No, $24 for Fun Size Snickers sounds about right.

So I receive an e-mail from Hyatt Hotels about our upcoming stay at their facility in Columbus for the Origins Gaming Convention That Seems To Be Getting Smaller Every Year. The e-mail mentions that I can check the details of our stay and make special requests via an online form. This is the first I have heard of such a thing, so I scurry to check it out.

OK, cool, they have our request for a single king bed... which almost guarantees us one of the hotel's swank corner rooms. The way the hotel is built, the corner rooms actually afford you three cool views of the city. The only downside is that the windows are covered in spiders. That, and the Columbus Hyatt does not have enough elevators.

But check out these only-in-America room service amenities I can pre-order. They sure do beat the Motel 6 wafer-on-the-pillow.

This one is top of the list. It's the one that's meant to soften you up. $8 for 750 ml of water. Don't be fooled by the European system; that's about 25 ounces. Which is about two cans of soda. Except that this is water.

Which I get in the room from the tap. And also, I have several bodily methods for actually creating water, to which I would go first before even considering spending $8 on two small bottles of bullshit.

I have no idea how this one measures up, having never bought a beer. That's $4.50 to $5.50 a bottle. Sounds reasonable?

Whoa, WTF. $25 for four cookies? I guess this is payback for all those decades of stealing extra shampoo, soap and pens. Oh wait, they got us on that score already by making the shampoo terrible, the soap ghastly, and filling the pens with only a centimeter of ink.

Also, those are not Black & Whites.

$24 for a "jar" of Jelly Bellies, three buckeyes (a local favorite), and four Fun Size Mars products. You know how big a Fun Size is, so that quartet MIGHT equal one real size candy bar. I usually don't even chew a Fun Size.

I'm going to need to see how big the jar of jellybeans is before I pass judgment. For all we know, the jar could be the size of the in-room ice pail. Let's dream.

Something is very wrong here. $23 for the buckeyes by themselves? That makes the previous candy order look like one hellacious deal. Of course, they're not saying how many buckeyes you get with this order. For $23, I'd expect several pounds worth.

By the way, that is not a picture of buckeye candy. That's just assorted fancy chocolates. Real buckeyes are far plainer looking. Nobody would pay $23 for a handful of buckeyes if they knew what they really looked like. By design, they look like a Reese's that is about to explode.

But I do like how this amenity gives you the recipe so you can avoid making such frivolous room service mistakes in the future.

Imported from where? Wegman's?

Hurm, I don't know if they have Wegman's in Ohio. So, Meijer?

An eight-inch cake for $45 that takes three days to make! Here's how I want it decorated: "Good Luck Getting Somebody To Buy This Fucking Cake." If I order it tonight, that should give them plenty of time to make it and deliver it to the front desk.

So that's the kind of opulence the Fourhmans can expect from our gaming pilgrimage next week. Judging from the list, I'm guessing the Hyatt still have the archaic Pay $10 For 24 Hours of WiFi Internet policy as well. Hell, maybe they made the internet better and therefore raised the price.