The other night when I started up Brawl, it immediately threw me two notices... one, that the sprites from Advance Wars were now available as an Assist Trophy, and two, that I now have all the Assist Trophies available. That was kind of a bummer. I was hoping for a ton of Assists, like a hundred. Where's the Elite Beat Agents Assist Trophy? Chibi-Robo? Slippy? The Duck Hunt dog? The girl from Balloon Kid? Seems like a lot of missed opportunities for a game that was in development for years.

Can anybody tell me why Luigi's Final Smash is a weird hippie dance? Was there some kind of Luigi Meets Late-Period Beatles game that I missed?

It's that time again, time to discuss what I'm about to buy.

We all know that 1Q is almost always a bust for gaming. The only games of note are the few that missed their holiday ship dates, for good or ill. As April begins, we're really just emerging from the first quarter coma.

The biggie is GTA IV (4/28). Huge, huge, huge. So huge that almost nothing else is shipping for the entire month. Seriously. The only company with the balls to stand toe-to-toe against Grand Theft Auto is Nintendo, with Mario Kart Wii (4/27). But given the disparate audiences there, it's hardly toe-to-toe. It's like scheduling Touched By An Angel against Smackdown.

I'm so not thrilled about two big games happening in one week. Maybe one of them will blink and either delay a week or hop up one. Nintendo has to already have the MKW boxes assembled, since that stupid wheel is in there; they could drop on the 20th. GTA IV, meanwhile, is probably still testing stuff. They're not going to press disks until the last possible moment. And even then there's going to be some awful required patch, believe it.

Wishful thinking. I'm spending $110 that week. And Clark gets a wheel.

My challenge board is really, really full. Finding my final character this week released a string of related unlockables.

It was Wolf. You know this.

I'm sorta pissed, because I gave in and we looked up how to unlock him... and I was so close to stumbling into it on my own, which would have been the preferred method. You have to get Fox through Boss Battle mode (or there is some dumb hidden path in Subspace Emissary). Fox being one of my favorite characters, I definitely would have happened upon Wolf by myself. In fact, I had attempted Boss Battle mode with Fox previously, and just did not complete it. Even on the easiest difficulty, Fox is sort of underpowered against the bosses.

In one night, it took me five attempts to unlock Wolf... two of those with me not even finishing the bosses. Wolf was some pretty smart AI, mainly because he went after the items... which, when the CPUs are set to stupid, they're really slow about bothering. But I did it, and that unlocked All-Star mode, another pile of Events, and several Notices/trophies.

Wolf's taunt voice sounds exactly like Race Bannon.

Everything Wario does is just gross.

David Blaine Street Magic Part 2 (YouTube)
This is really effing funny.

telekinesis for iPhone/Mac (Google Code)
Media streaming, iSight capture, screen capture, file browsing, iTunes control... from your desktop Mac direct to your iPhone. Probably dangerous as hell, but cool as shit. These features ought to be official and secure.

Hilarious photo of Bush (Speigel Online)
Our President, photographed among scores of important dignitaries, none of which want to look at him. Translated from Danish, the caption reads "Like a sad child with his head against the wall." (Found via John Gruber.)

So, like, what's Final Crisis about?

I do not even know. Although Countdown is supposedly leading directly into Final Crisis, it's not very good at making things clear. Moreso than any book I've read in recent memory, Countdown seems to require a straight readthrough - none of this one-issue-a-week crap - in order to piece it all together. And even then, it seems like the point is to generate mystery, rather than explain things. Eh.

I can't tell if Final Crisis is going to be Darkseid vs. the DCU or what. Was everybody in Monarch's army killed when Earth-51 exploded? I'm just barely keeping track of all this via Wikipedia. Which is where I learned that the cool-ass evil Scarab Beetle from Countdown: Arena was from the Zoo Crew Earth! Holy crap!

Pre-ordered MGS4.

Having successfully navigated the confused and wandering thought processes of GameStop employees, I now have $5 in on Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Already watched the Saga Vol 2 DVD... which is just another twenty minute overview of the entire series, but delivered with the unbeatable MGS art direction that kicks ass every damn time.

And now I have my key for the Metal Gear Online beta, which starts in mid-April. So there's something to do for the week before GTAIV comes out.

Charlie Daniels of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" is pissed about the cover version in Guitar Hero III, and that's probably funny enough right there. And more than a little sad, because it underlines how creative people often sell away the rights to their art, for whatever reason happens to make sense at the time. Nobody ever talked to this guy about his song, and he only recently heard the mangled "new" version present in GHIII, complete with the silly Satan boss battle.

Sympathies over ownership issues aside, what makes it funny is Charlie Daniels' typically reactionary old-person view on the game, calling it perverted and grotesque. Moreso in regards to the dark imagery than the heavy metal rendition of his song. Hey you kids, get off of Charlie Daniels' lawn with your portable telephones!

And then he goes for the ol' "This game looks innocent enough but if you have a child who is playing it, take the time to sit with him or her while they're playing along and take a serious look at the images on the screen. You may be surprised at the world they're being exposed to." Seriously. He said that about Guitar Hero.

But what I really enjoyed was the Kotaku comment thread, which had me laughing nonstop.

FIRST COMMENT: "Guitar Hero sucks. Long live Rock Band." - Kyle81

You might have read about Brawl director Masahiro Sakurai subtly slamming Nintendo's IP family on one of his Smash Dojo posts. On the topic of All-Star Mode, where you fight through the entire character lineup in order of their first appearance, he says:

When they're all lined up like this, it becomes obvious that there is roughly 6-year blank before and after Pikmin. While there have been big series since then like "Animal Crossing," "Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day," and "Wii Sports" it does seem that coming up with a completely new character-driven series has gotten more difficult recently.

This has been great grist for the anti-Nintendo mill, but it's blown way out of proportion. First of all, Sakurai's remarks are misleading in and of themselves. By his own admission, he finalized the roster in 2005, with the notable exception of Sonic... who was added in 2007 after a website poll. So as far as the "blank" goes, it's five years between the Pokemon Trainer (Pokemon: 1996) and Captain Olimar (Pikmin: 2001)... and only four years between Pikmin and 2005. Not a round twelve years, as he implies.

And although this isn't quite on point, Lucario first appeared in 2005 in one of the Pokemon movies, but did not appear in a Pokemon game until Diamond/Pearl in 2006 (in Japan). Additionally, the WarioWare series debuted in 2003, Wind Waker was 2002 (in Japan), Luigi's Mansion was 2001, Mario Sunshine was 2002, and of course the "modern" Twilight Princess look to the Zelda cast was 2006, so it's not like Sakurai was able to glean nothing from 2001 onward. (More on this in a minute...)

OK, let's get this out there: I would totally watch an animated Professor Layton. Movie, TV series, I'd even pick up a manga. I want to know more about this franchise.

Although not technically a Nintendo-owned property (Nintendo published the game, but did not develop it), Professor Layton should have been an Assist Trophy in Smash Bros. Hell, I want Professor Layton in as a challenger in the next Smash Bros.

And something else, for the non-Laytoned out there. Don't buy from Wal-Mart or GameStop, because they have the game for $35 like it's DS Year One or something. Merely $30 at TRU, so my years of painful loyalty finally pay off.

I have completed the storyline, to the tune of 112 puzzles and over 16 hours of playtime. There's still a few puzzles left to find (120 total inside the plot, plus a bunch of bonus materials). Although the game lets me jump back into the town to search for them, it's one of those deals where you're going back in time to just before the storyline's final moments. Ugh. I'm probably just going to look up the final puzzle locations somewhere online, because I'm missing at least two that will unlock additional bonus content.

I'm at the level where any future games that lack instant photography will utterly disappoint me. Although I haven't read as such, I'm sure GTAIV will have a camera feature (San Andreas did). Seems awfully unlikely that I'll be as happy with Mario Kart Wii.

I recently learned that those little hammers on the Challenge board let you smash boxes, presumably ones you think you will never finish (like all the Multi-Man-related challenges). I thought they were just some kind of achievement ranking, as in 'How are you doing with your Challenges, Joe?" "Pretty sweet, I'm up to three hammers."

So if you use a hammer, do you automatically get the treasure inside? Can you use a hammer on a box that has not been revealed?

How great is that Peach pic. She's sitting in a tree!

Daft Hands - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (YouTube)
Get in on the Daft Hands meme now, before it becomes passe! Love this song, but the big problem with all of these videos is that it takes a minute before the guys start singing and the hands start vogueing. (You might prefer the version with teen girls in their underwear.)

Bible is America's favorite book: poll (Yahoo News)
How droll. Americans voted the Bible their favorite book even though they've never read it. If you could see me, I'm dancing the cha-cha offstage now.

Rumor confirmed: Google may buy my car (CNET)
Sort-of-funny parody of the endless litany of Google rumors. Onion probably did it way better.

I'm going through Classic mode with all the characters, just for the trophies and the corresponding Challenge achievements. With the fighters I dislike, I set it to easy and then the whole affair is over in like ten minutes. Looks like you need to play Classic multiple times to get the trophies for the alternate transformations, like Sheik and Zero Suit Samus? And speaking of that, I still haven't figured out how to start a match as Zero Suit.

Now that Sakurai has come out firmly against panty shots, I might as well post a sample of my voluminous upskirt collection. I call it "The Wolf Whistle."

You see, by including Wolf, I turn it into a complicated cultural touchstone, not just a bit o' pink. Now it is art. Now it belongs to the ages.

Nobody takes care of their aging actor population like the British.

Lately I've been spending my Saturday nights watching British comedies on PBS, including "Last of the Summer Wine" which features a cast that looks to be entirely 70+. Imagine a prime time US show with nothing but AARP actors. There's something calming about their weary, pointed delivery... even though it's just a dozen interchangeable seniors setting each other up for quips and putdowns. It must be English Envy, because I'll watch stuff on PBS and BBC America that, were the same scripts produced by the US, I'd openly deride and avoid.

Superman/Batman Annual #2 declared awesome.

Although the Superman/Batman series has long been on the bubble for me, the recent Annual is fantastic. It is a modern retelling of a 1960s story, with Superman losing his powers and turning to Batman for help. This all takes place pre-Justice League, so Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne are still figuring each other out. Here's a portion of a conversation that should absolutely be in the new Justice League movie:

Bruce (referencing a League invitation card): I take it you got one of these.
Clark: Mm. Seems like a smart idea.
Bruce: You're kidding. "Superhero club" is a smart idea?
Clark: Well, no... I mean, it sounds dumb if you call it a "club." But the threats we're facing are getting bigger and nastier every day. Pooling our resources is smart.
Bruce: It's inane. This is the equivalent of forcing a dozen pop-star divas to share a dressing room... only each one has a nuclear missile strapped to their back.
Clark: That's some analogy. The last sixteen hours must have been slow to cook that up.

First of all, I've always been leery of committing to third-party internet features. If you look back through my various web builds - and you can't - you see that only recently did I allow stuff like Shoutbox and Twitter and BoardGameGeek a place on my site. Prior this era of benevolence, I was pretty well convinced that any outside code would go belly-up in months, causing me to have to rewrite my site again. This hesitation comes from the Early Internet years, where I went through multiple free URL services and plugins and little gimmicky things that all disappeared one day. It took months of soul-searching before I committed to Movable Type, for crissake. I was ready to continue hand-coding HTML updates, because I could retain total control of the behind-the-scenes stuff.

So what I'm saying is that the Shoutbox was already something of a stretch for me. But it's a nice service. The Shoutbox itself is really well-implemented. The custom smileys are a lot of fun, the deluxe controls (which you pay for) are very nice for banning troublemaking IPs. I wholeheartedly recommend it. I'm dropping it because I'm very anal about its use, not because it doesn't work.

I had unregulated Movable Type comments for years, until I was hit with a round of spambots creating bogus comments of links to a fake online poker site. Since every entry has comments associated with it, I had to manually edit out hundreds of junk messages. I turned off commenting after several weeks of that.

I don't know yet. I might like Wolf just because he was the last character I unlocked and I had to really fight to get him. But I definitely find myself gravitating towards him. There are characters I like to play even though I'm no good with them (Olimar, Peach)... there are characters I'm reasonably good with even though I don't like them (Captain Falcon, Donkey Kong)... but finding a character that I like with a moveset that I feel I can effectively manipulate is where it's at, and Wolf seems to fall in that category. He's everything I like about Fox without being quite so light and zippy. Plus he has bitchin' taunts. What's the matter, scared?

You've seen the Smash Taunts, right? Completely freakin' awesome, even if you can't take pictures of it in action.

As soon as I unlocked Wolf, I immediately tried to set up a sweet howl-at-the-moon shot in the Mansion stage.

Two weeks ago, the guys at Penny Arcade announced a contest to win a pile of WarCraft TCG stuff. All you had to do was write a bit of short fiction, based in the World of WarCraft universe, of exactly ten words.

Out of over thirty thousand entries, one of mine was selected for the daily newspost. I didn't win anything; I'm part of a list that's more or less "other entries that didn't suck." I'm like a runner-up to a runner-up to a runner-up. Still, getting pulled out of thirty thousand is impressive, I think.

What I can tell you is that my entry was actually the first line of an epic poem, ten lines in length. I liked the notion of doing ten ten-word submissions, telling a connected story but also individually interesting. I suppose you can be the judge of that.

shitbuster (YouTube)
He busts people taking shits.

You Have To Burn The Rope (Mazapan)
Maybe you haven't been very successful in your gaming lately. Maybe you could use a confidence boost. You need to play You Have To Burn The Rope.

Apples and Much Much Bigger Apples (The Roar of Comics)
About the differences between success in TV ratings and success in comic sales... there's several orders of magnitude between the two. It's a No Duh, but it needs to be said:

Comics, ALL comics, not just the superhero stuff, are high cost mediums. Each issue costs money, they must be acquired at book stores if not specialty shops, and they must be read with a skill for navigating image and word that must be learned. That requires a lot more investment from the reader, and thus a lot less people feel like its worth it.

This is why people line up by the millions for watered-down superhero/fantasy/sci-fi movies and TV shows, even though comics have been doing it better for decades.

I have now been through Classic with all the characters. I guess I should start working on All-Star. Or Boss Battles, but Boss Battles sucks because you can't continue. One stupid Yoshi-egg-off-the-platform and your game is over.

Yeah, so, All-Star it is then. At least with All-Star you get some really sweet trophies.

Luigi is totally doing the Private Lynndie England.

This is the first Rock Band track pack that costs more than purchasing the three songs separately.

Harmonix Pack #1, with "Rock Rebellion" by Bang Camaro, "Shake" by Count Zero, and "Sprode" by Freezepop. $2.99 for the bundle... or you can buy each song for 99 cents apiece. I would have saved two cents, if I didn't think that Rock Rebellion and Shake sucked ass. I only purchased Sprode.

Where's my Metal Gear Online beta?

I'm one of the unlucky ones who legimately pre-ordered MGS4, got the swingin' Saga DVD, and received a beta access code of only nine digits. Apparently you need twelve. I contacted Konami support days ago and, predictably, have heard nothing back. Brilliant.

The last time I whined about Rock Band, I split up my suggested improvements as stuff that could be patched, stuff that needs to be sold, and stuff that might as well wait for the sequel. I have a few more, but I think it's all patchable, knowing what I know about the super-easy and non-complicated way that video games are manufactured. Because I know that.

The in-game store is a great idea, and it looks really slick. I love that the store displays original album artwork and plays sample cuts. This eliminates the need for me to keep checking the iTunes Music Store when new Rock Band tracks are announced, to see if I want Blondie's "Call Me." (I did.) It also shows a difficulty chart for each instrument.

But the interaction with the PlayStation Store is all clunked up. If you click to purchase, it jumps out to the Store interface and expects you to buy that track immediately. If you want to go back and add more songs, it doesn't work like an online shopping cart. It forgets the first song you wanted.

#1 Power Girl, in full costume, walks into Sand's bedroom at an indeterminately late time. She mentions that Kingdom Come Superman fought Gog yesterday, then hands Sand a vial of dirt.

Couldn't this wait until morning? Or couldn't she have brought this to Sand's attention yesterday?

And more importantly, where was she keeping that vial?

Gave the 15 Minute Brawl another shot last night, this time with Pikachu. The cheapness of his b-down move excels against the Fightin' Wireframes. Although the best I could do was only about six minutes. I would invariably screw myself over by diving for an Assist Trophy and then getting dogpiled before I could pick it up. Or, even worse, I would let myself get sucked into a poor smart bomb throw.

My best on 15 Minute Brawl is somewhere around 13 and a half minutes, with Donkey Kong. I've also tried Bowser, gambling on a heavy character that does not get launched as far, but I was no more successful with him than I was with Pikachu.

That is some kind of crazy ass Escher thing going on there. Snake looks so messed up.

Watch and ponder:

Reactions:

Love the Lady Monarch costume, and double-love that they're still teasing Dr. Girlfriend's confession from the end of season two.

What is young Billy Quizboy's connection to Brock's old spy outfit?

They're going to have to go a long way to make me like that pirate guy, but the line about Inspector Gadget was a small step in the right direction.

DENKI GROOVE - MONONOKE DANCE (YouTube)
Great J-pop music video, animated entirely with stick puppets.

Two Brothers Meditating Upon Questions of Pac-Man (Kotaku)
Two guys discuss the size of Pac-Man's turds in a seriously hilarious IM conversation.

America Sung (Mice Age)
Kevin Yee puts forth the notion that Disneyland has not been "perfect" since April 1988, when America Sings closed. Avoiding fanboy arguments, that was the last day that every available space was utilized in a running ride... no closed areas, empty buildings, and abandoned attractions. Awesome scary photos of America Sings robots half-dressed.

And now, an unexpectedly themed arrangement of Brawl photos... first, some cute trophy collections, then some photos sent to me from folks on my Friend List.

First, a pair of Pokemon retrospectives. The four fire-type starters, each representing a different generation. Charmander from Red/Blue, Torchic from Ruby/Sapphire, Cyndaquil from Gold/Silver, and Chimchar from Diamond/Pearl.

Then we see four end-of-game legendaries... Groudon from Ruby/Sapphire, Moltres from Red/Blue, Suicune from Gold/Silver, and Palkia from Diamond/Pearl.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY

This Saturday is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY. Stop by your local comic shop and help yourself to a selection of free books. If your local store is as cool as mine, there will be other special events, sales and giveaways on hand.

OK, all you losers who own the Spider-Man Movie Trilogy, Heroes Season One, and that hilariously ironic Adam West Batman t-shirt: time to man up and sample pop culture at the head of the stream, rather than simply sip at the processed dregs at the end of the line. It's too late to declare yourself "into" Iron Man and retain any credibility, so get down to FREE COMIC BOOK DAY and see how the cooler half lives. And buy something too, you damn cheapskate.

I've found another game I want to demo at Origins.

And it's Yetisburg, a North vs South card game that adds giant Canadian Yetis to the Battle of Gettysburg. If your demo can't get me to buy the game even after hearing that concept, then it must be complete unplayable shit.

I marched into Toys R Us this morning - on route to my colonoscopy - expecting to pick up GTAIV, and walked out with nothing. I had the release day wrong. It's tomorrow.

I don't know how I messed that up. I made my colonoscopy appointment specifically on what I thought was GTA day. And I was giggling as I did it, planning to combine a legal sick day from work with the childlike wonder of Grand Theft Auto. I guess I got "week of 4/28" confused with "4/28" as I scheduled my scoping, and I never circled back to double-check myself. So all this time I've been waiting for 4/28, when a simple internet search shows that everybody else has been stoked for 4/29 as far back as January.

The worst part is that I had to be corrected by the monkey at Toys R Us. The same chimp who laughed when I inquired about No More Heroes and speculated that they would never get that game in stock, and by the way, it's been in stock for weeks. How embarrassing.

I even had my mom along with me (she was my designated driver for the colonoscopy), so she could vouch for my age in case I was carded!

To make matters worse, I couldn't even pick up Mario Kart Wii, because I have a coupon for $10 off $100. For the sake of $10, I'm buying both games at the same time. Tomorrow. Probably on my lunch break.

So, two big games arrived at fourhman.home this evening, but I practiced some severe delayed gratification and mowed the lawn first. I saw two neighbors also out mowing and thought "There's two chaps who don't have Grand Theft Auto IV." But then I thought they might be thinking the same about me.

I went for Mario Kart first, navigating the confusing, ill-thought out menus that end up in the installation of the Mario Kart Channel. Game-specific Channels are a fantastic idea. I'm sure we'll see more of them.

I did one four-race Grand Prix with the Wii Wheel and then vowed never to touch it again. It just isn't precise enough. I dived right back to the Wavebird. Had no trouble pulling off the ramp stunts with the Wavebird's d-pad (stunts are just a Remote flick when playing with the Wii Wheel.) Of course, I only did a handful of 50cc races since the evening's main event was GTAIV.

Mario Kart Wii is Mario Kart, on Wii. Doesn't seem to be much else to it. I'll always track Mario Kart as a top pick, especially for multiplayer parties with a mix of gamer types, but this latest edition can't hold a candle to Smash Bros as far as Awesome Wii Experiences goes. It's just, you know, Mario Kart.