April 2008 Archives

So, two big games arrived at fourhman.home this evening, but I practiced some severe delayed gratification and mowed the lawn first. I saw two neighbors also out mowing and thought "There's two chaps who don't have Grand Theft Auto IV." But then I thought they might be thinking the same about me.

I went for Mario Kart first, navigating the confusing, ill-thought out menus that end up in the installation of the Mario Kart Channel. Game-specific Channels are a fantastic idea. I'm sure we'll see more of them.

I did one four-race Grand Prix with the Wii Wheel and then vowed never to touch it again. It just isn't precise enough. I dived right back to the Wavebird. Had no trouble pulling off the ramp stunts with the Wavebird's d-pad (stunts are just a Remote flick when playing with the Wii Wheel.) Of course, I only did a handful of 50cc races since the evening's main event was GTAIV.

Mario Kart Wii is Mario Kart, on Wii. Doesn't seem to be much else to it. I'll always track Mario Kart as a top pick, especially for multiplayer parties with a mix of gamer types, but this latest edition can't hold a candle to Smash Bros as far as Awesome Wii Experiences goes. It's just, you know, Mario Kart.

I will say that some of the new tracks are downright spectacular, with tricks and quirks that you have to learn in order to fare well (particularly against the top AI drivers). The Coconut Mall level? Pure bliss. Clever layout, still feels like it might be an actual Mushroom Kingdom mall even though it's really a race course. And your Miis are all over it, which is hilarious. But if they hadn't done that sort of thing - really nice new tracks - I don't know what else would have rated a mention. I still don't know why Nintendo hasn't graduated Mario Kart to Smash Kart or Nintendo Kart, and let all the other franchises play.

You still have the age old Mario Kart problem: exceptionally cheap and un-fun computer players. I get that the items can help balance out a human/human/human/human match, but having to put up with that kind of crap during single-player mode just gets obnoxious. Even in the few games I played tonight, I felt like the AI was purposefully trying to stop me from having fun... I'm heading towards a ramp, turbo speed, ready to pull off a stunt, and then some shithead hits the lightning bolt or the red shell and kills my momentum right at the ramp's base so I fall into a pit or whatever. Jesus, I just want to nail some jumps. I wasn't even in first place. Lay the fuck off already.

And I really miss the two-man karts of Double Dash. That was a huge idea, a genuine advancement for the series... it should have remained an option in the Wii version, even more so in light of Nintendo's open family policy with the Wii.

But GTA.

To be fair, you could say something similar about GTAIV. It's GTA, on PS3. It's just about a billion times more compelling than Mario Kart, sorry. I put in about three hours tonight, and did maybe four missions. The rest of the time was spent driving around, trying to learn the streets. The start of GTAIV has a relaxing, exploratory vibe. OK, so there's two scenes where you have to punch somebody out. Everything else has been "drive to point A," "here's how your cell phone works," and "hey Niko, let's go to the strip club." I don't even have a weapon yet.

Loved that the old Genesis song "Mama" is in there. Although, as usual in a GTA game, 90% of the non-talk radio stations are just not for me.

Bowled. Played pool. Enjoyed a cabaret show with a spot-on caricature of an awful one-woman-show vocalist. She does a huge, ridiculous build-up, then sings exactly one line before she announces that she has to go. I only had about $200 to my name, and I blew it all on dates with my new girlfriend (something fishy about her; Rhon thinks she's a cop) and clubbing with my cousin.

There's TV stations in GTAIV. So I watched some TV.

I changed my controls to the "classic" configuration. Try as I might, I can't get used to car games where accelerate is mapped to R2. I wish there was some kind of camera settings you could tweak, because it seems really floaty when you're walking around.

No question about it, this is going to be a huge game.

I marched into Toys R Us this morning - on route to my colonoscopy - expecting to pick up GTAIV, and walked out with nothing. I had the release day wrong. It's tomorrow.

I don't know how I messed that up. I made my colonoscopy appointment specifically on what I thought was GTA day. And I was giggling as I did it, planning to combine a legal sick day from work with the childlike wonder of Grand Theft Auto. I guess I got "week of 4/28" confused with "4/28" as I scheduled my scoping, and I never circled back to double-check myself. So all this time I've been waiting for 4/28, when a simple internet search shows that everybody else has been stoked for 4/29 as far back as January.

The worst part is that I had to be corrected by the monkey at Toys R Us. The same chimp who laughed when I inquired about No More Heroes and speculated that they would never get that game in stock, and by the way, it's been in stock for weeks. How embarrassing.

I even had my mom along with me (she was my designated driver for the colonoscopy), so she could vouch for my age in case I was carded!

To make matters worse, I couldn't even pick up Mario Kart Wii, because I have a coupon for $10 off $100. For the sake of $10, I'm buying both games at the same time. Tomorrow. Probably on my lunch break.

So that first ass-ramming was largely of my own design. The second one was far less painful.

I'm on the young end for a colonoscopy, but there is a family history of problems in that area, so it was a wise thing to do. The worst part was drinking the bowel irrigation fluid the day before. Not being able to eat anything for a day was a drag, but not as bad as I thought.

It took the nurse several times to stick me for the IV, because my veins kept rolling away from the needle. That was hilarious. I got to see the ass-camera itself prior to insertion, but the twilight anesthetic knocked me out cold, so I didn't get any cool intestinal views. I forgot to ask if they record that stuff; I'll mention it at my follow-up. I did not get to consciously experience any of the procedure. Not that I wanted to be awake for "the nozzle," but I'm usually madly curious about these sorts of things. As I told the nurse while she attached heart and lung monitors to me, I'm very interested in what's about to happen, I just wish I wasn't the guy on the table.

The doctor found and removed one polyp, which isn't a big deal because only 1% of intestinal polyps become cancerous.

Coming out of the anesthetic was pretty awesome. The first thing I heard was the nurse telling me I should fart. Not in those terms, of course. She used that genteel medical talk, "You probably have air in your system, so you should let it out or it will hurt." So, still half-asleep, I passed the barking spiders... and then the nurse moved and I saw my mom sitting beside me.

As I changed from the hospital gown to my street clothes, I softly sung most of "Still Alive." Not as any kind of editorial comment on medical procedures, but because I wanted to challenge my foggy mind to remember something. And when you're coming out of anesthetic, sitting behind a curtain in a hospital ward and singing doesn't strike you as being particularly weird.

On the way home we stopped for french fries, my first real food in about thirty hours. I was lucid enough that if I had a compelling reason to stay awake, I could have. But without GTAIV and Mario Kart, it hardly seemed worth it. So I went to bed.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY

This Saturday is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY. Stop by your local comic shop and help yourself to a selection of free books. If your local store is as cool as mine, there will be other special events, sales and giveaways on hand.

OK, all you losers who own the Spider-Man Movie Trilogy, Heroes Season One, and that hilariously ironic Adam West Batman t-shirt: time to man up and sample pop culture at the head of the stream, rather than simply sip at the processed dregs at the end of the line. It's too late to declare yourself "into" Iron Man and retain any credibility, so get down to FREE COMIC BOOK DAY and see how the cooler half lives. And buy something too, you damn cheapskate.

I've found another game I want to demo at Origins.

And it's Yetisburg, a North vs South card game that adds giant Canadian Yetis to the Battle of Gettysburg. If your demo can't get me to buy the game even after hearing that concept, then it must be complete unplayable shit.

We might be getting Cat #3.

A pregnant stray showed up at my parents' place, and gave birth to a litter of six. Several of the kittens are polydactyl, which means they have extra toes.

RAM upgrade smoothed me out.

After jumping my iMac's RAM from the stock 512 to a matched-pair 2gig (for the low price of $55), I've noticed an impressive performance boost. It's not like I'm crunching incredible Photoshop filters here- and this is not a gaming machine at all - but the 2gig has allowed me to float from Safari to Photoshop to iPhoto to Fetch without all the slowdown and churning that had formerly been SOP.

I'm pooping Gatorade.

I'm enjoying a colonoscopy tomorrow, so today was the highly anticipated bowel prep. I could only have a light breakfast (english muffins) and then nothing but clear liquids past noon. At three I had to start drinking 64 ounces of polyethylene glycol and electrolytes, a potent mixture designed to irrigate the various tracts without dehydrating the system.

I was allowed to mix the stuff with Gatorade, which made it taste like Gatorade... but with a nasty, unexpected thickness to it, which made it rather unbearable after only three glasses. I was done with the 64oz by 5pm. And now all that comes out is Gatorade. And I'm really freakin' hungry. I need to start planning my Welcome Back meal now, because I am going to be ravenous as soon as my 1pm scoping is completed.

The next time you have a colonoscopy planned, why not also enjoy GTA IV and Mario Kart Wii.

I'm picking up both on my way to the hospital. Hopefully I'll be feeling like some GTA by late afternoon.

And now, an unexpectedly themed arrangement of Brawl photos... first, some cute trophy collections, then some photos sent to me from folks on my Friend List.

First, a pair of Pokemon retrospectives. The four fire-type starters, each representing a different generation. Charmander from Red/Blue, Torchic from Ruby/Sapphire, Cyndaquil from Gold/Silver, and Chimchar from Diamond/Pearl.

Then we see four end-of-game legendaries... Groudon from Ruby/Sapphire, Moltres from Red/Blue, Suicune from Gold/Silver, and Palkia from Diamond/Pearl.

Mewtwo gets revenge on Lucario for supplanting him and cloning most of his powers.

And there's a pleasant Animal Crossing diorama.

Team Sonic, and Olimar vs. one of the typical native beasts.

Why can't we place more than four trophies in these custom displays? We should be able to pose dozens of trophies in cool pictures. Why so few backgrounds? We should be able to place trophies on all of the game's actual stages, not just these four awful generic backdrops. Why aren't trophies (and stickers) tradable between Friends? What's the point of me having half a dozen Torchic trophies if I can't share them? This whole trophy thing could be a ton more fun.

Colin sent me this exceptionally creepy Pika/Luigi gestalt, a prime example of finding the perfect paused nanosecond. And I love his "Wario's Nose Is Infected" piece, complete with an embarrassed Samus in the background.

Snake seems shocked at his callous treatment of Lucas in this photo from Jeffrey. Josh takes us into the seedy underworld of Alloy-on-Ape action. Look away!

Ben sent me that well-timed collision between Sonic and Weavile, while Tony reminds us that we are all brothers on this Distant Planet.

DENKI GROOVE - MONONOKE DANCE (YouTube)
Great J-pop music video, animated entirely with stick puppets.

Two Brothers Meditating Upon Questions of Pac-Man (Kotaku)
Two guys discuss the size of Pac-Man's turds in a seriously hilarious IM conversation.

America Sung (Mice Age)
Kevin Yee puts forth the notion that Disneyland has not been "perfect" since April 1988, when America Sings closed. Avoiding fanboy arguments, that was the last day that every available space was utilized in a running ride... no closed areas, empty buildings, and abandoned attractions. Awesome scary photos of America Sings robots half-dressed.

Beyond the Camera's Lens redesigned
Nice graphic re-launch to the internet's best Fatal Frame site!

Storytelling Engines: Justice League of America (Fraggmented)
Fun essay about the usefulness of Snapper Carr. The author also has equally fun posts about Booster Gold, Marvel Saga, Dr. Strange, Aquaman, and other comics characters and foibles.)

Using Numbers To Hide Numbers (Dubious Quality)
Bill Harris's look at the latest NPD console sales figures, and an explanation of the obfuscation tactics that Microsoft and Sony employ to make themselves not look like failures in the face of Nintendo's bizarro-world dominance.

Watch and ponder:

Reactions:

Love the Lady Monarch costume, and double-love that they're still teasing Dr. Girlfriend's confession from the end of season two.

What is young Billy Quizboy's connection to Brock's old spy outfit?

They're going to have to go a long way to make me like that pirate guy, but the line about Inspector Gadget was a small step in the right direction.

What is that cow game that Brock and Colonel Hunter are playing in the car? I totally want to play it too.

That G.I. Joe parody was hilarious.

"This is how we lost George Michael."

And perhaps the biggie: Is Brock trying to get out of his bodyguard assignment. (Love the mission codename: "Rusty's Blanket.")

Venture Bros season three premieres June 1 on Adult Swim.

Gave the 15 Minute Brawl another shot last night, this time with Pikachu. The cheapness of his b-down move excels against the Fightin' Wireframes. Although the best I could do was only about six minutes. I would invariably screw myself over by diving for an Assist Trophy and then getting dogpiled before I could pick it up. Or, even worse, I would let myself get sucked into a poor smart bomb throw.

My best on 15 Minute Brawl is somewhere around 13 and a half minutes, with Donkey Kong. I've also tried Bowser, gambling on a heavy character that does not get launched as far, but I was no more successful with him than I was with Pikachu.

That is some kind of crazy ass Escher thing going on there. Snake looks so messed up.

I enjoy Giant photos.

You can't tell, but there's an enemy Olimar inside that bulborb's mouth. Guess what happened next.

On the left is what Fox does when you successfully trigger the Smash Taunt that ends in those great Team Starfox onscreen conversations.

Zero Suit, you kinky.

When Squirtle's parents made him ask Sonic to the school dance, he just knew he was going to be embarrassed with a tentative kiss by the punch bowl.

#1 Power Girl, in full costume, walks into Sand's bedroom at an indeterminately late time. She mentions that Kingdom Come Superman fought Gog yesterday, then hands Sand a vial of dirt.

Couldn't this wait until morning? Or couldn't she have brought this to Sand's attention yesterday?

And more importantly, where was she keeping that vial?

#2 So, presumably the next morning, while Sand goes off to carbon date that dirt or whatever, the rest of the JSA gathers around to discuss Gog. And this is a seriously huge team these days, 25 people. The elders (Golden Age Green Lantern, Golden Age Flash, and Who Knows Which Age Hawkman) decide that the younger members will not be on the Gog mission because it's too dangerous.

Enter new team member Lance Corporal David Reid, a relative of FDR that was recently recruited into the JSA out of the US Army:

Yes, you complete douchebag. Fighting supervillains is considerably more dangerous than your fucking tours in Afghanistan and Iraq. Even setting aside the ridiculous "let's pretend the DCU is currently undergoing the same geo-political issues that the real world is" crap, this just shows Lance to be a total moron.

Leave it to Kingdom Come Superman to drop the gentle hammer...

#3 Then Lightning's powers go on the fritz, leading to some hilarious dialogue from Jakeem, who is crushing on her.

#4 Naturally, during the blackout, Gog shows up.

OK, awesome pose. But what I really dig is the monkey who was obviously a little too close to Gog's personal teleportation field

Let's call him Gleek.

Note to DC: we're all getting really tired of this overused, typeset BOOOOOM sound effect. It's used five times in this one issue alone (or some OOOOOM variant), and you guys drag it out on every book in your line. We've all caught on that you guys bought a clipart/font package. Now knock it off, because it looks completely generic. And this panel - like most, actually - doesn't even need a sound effect.

The last time I whined about Rock Band, I split up my suggested improvements as stuff that could be patched, stuff that needs to be sold, and stuff that might as well wait for the sequel. I have a few more, but I think it's all patchable, knowing what I know about the super-easy and non-complicated way that video games are manufactured. Because I know that.

The in-game store is a great idea, and it looks really slick. I love that the store displays original album artwork and plays sample cuts. This eliminates the need for me to keep checking the iTunes Music Store when new Rock Band tracks are announced, to see if I want Blondie's "Call Me." (I did.) It also shows a difficulty chart for each instrument.

But the interaction with the PlayStation Store is all clunked up. If you click to purchase, it jumps out to the Store interface and expects you to buy that track immediately. If you want to go back and add more songs, it doesn't work like an online shopping cart. It forgets the first song you wanted.

I guess this isn't a big deal if you have a solid amount of credit on your PS Store account, but I rarely hold a balance. Plus, you still need to trigger the download... so it's not really time-efficient to tag songs one at a time in the Rock Band store. The last time I bought songs, I used the Rock Band store to identify what I wanted, then skipped all the way out to the PS Store proper and added everything to my cart for one big purchase. How was that a smooth user experience?

The in-game store arrived as part of a patch a few weeks ago... hilariously, Rock Band now has an embarrassing habit of stacking loading icons. IE, you get the little drummer guy in the center of the screen when it is loading, then a second drummer shows up lower right with the explanation "loading additional content."

But speaking of all that DLC we're enjoying... say I'm choosing songs for Solo Tour mode, why in the hell must I scroll through the entire list of songs in order to reach the downloaded tracks? What a pain in the ass. Harmonix has to know that, by this point, we're mainly playing the new stuff over the original songlist... so how about patching the navigation to get us to the DLC songs faster?

I'd like to see the whole selection screen overhauled. Not only for ease of use reasons, but also to incorporate the album covers and difficulty charts available only in the Rock Band store. A full disclosure of the challenge level would be cool for mixed-skill groups looking to put together a perfect setlist.

Additionally, these screens could also all use an HD upgrade. I don't know what resolution the menus natively run at, but that undulating banner looks like total shit in 1080p. The game itself looks fine - in fact it looks wonderful after a weekend playing Guitar Hero III on Wii, which looks like toasted asscrackers - but the text menus really ought to be quite a bit sharper.

This is the first Rock Band track pack that costs more than purchasing the three songs separately.

Harmonix Pack #1, with "Rock Rebellion" by Bang Camaro, "Shake" by Count Zero, and "Sprode" by Freezepop. $2.99 for the bundle... or you can buy each song for 99 cents apiece. I would have saved two cents, if I didn't think that Rock Rebellion and Shake sucked ass. I only purchased Sprode.

Where's my Metal Gear Online beta?

I'm one of the unlucky ones who legimately pre-ordered MGS4, got the swingin' Saga DVD, and received a beta access code of only nine digits. Apparently you need twelve. I contacted Konami support days ago and, predictably, have heard nothing back. Brilliant.

Hulk and Zombies killed Marvel for me.

Between tedious Marvel Zombies 2 and terrible World War Hulk, I've just about completely abandoned Marvel. Not even the Big Event Skrull Thing has me interested. I've walked past it for two weeks now without even picking it up. Maybe if I hear that Secret Invasion manages to be more than Let's Undo Civil War, I'll grab the trade.

Another example of Apple's smart design.

I ordered a matched pair of ram for my iMac, so I could max out the system with 2 gigs. I know it's no great achievement to install ram, but I printed out some online instructions and then powered down, screwdriver at the ready. After placing the iMac facedown, I saw that Apple helpfully included ram installation instructions, etched onto the bottom of the iMac's foot. Wow.

Dual Shock 3 at the ready.

Finally found a Dual Shock 3 Friday night, so now when Mike comes over to play PixelJunk Monsters for an entire weekend, we can do so two-player.

The rumble gears add the weight that the Sixaxis lacked. It feels heavy like pure hypocrisy. Good one, Sony.

I'm implementing technologies I don't understand.

My quest to improve commenting continues. This week I installed an ajax plug-in to Movable Type that allows commenting to happen without a page reload. Which is neat, I guess, but not really anything I wanted. What I thought was going to happen was that I could get one of those nifty drop-down features, so you could click a toggle and have a comment window flow down.

So I tried installing moo.fx to get that ability, and it just hasn't worked yet. The Idiot's Guide to moo.fx did not work at all for me, and I have no idea why.

I did add AIM to the list of approved registration protocols, so if you know your AIM screenname/password, you should now be able to use that to sign in for commenting.

Him have to pee.

There's a new Superhero Squad 4-pack out there, with Gambit, another wifebeater Wolverine, a battle-damaged Juggernaut, and mid-bamf Nightcrawler (he's half translucent purple). Clark took one look at Juggernaut and asked "Him have to pee?" MOVIE REF.

And speaking of Superhero Squad, who's in charge of this line? A month ago we picked up an X-Men 4-pack with White Queen and saw the included checklist showcasing a pile of cool upcoming figures. Ghost Rider w/bike. Comics-based Spider-Man figures (as opposed to movie-based). Deadpool. Ultimate Nick Fury. Punisher in his Captain America gear. And the latest ToyFare shows some Planet Hulk-based figures (including an amazing savage Silver Surfer.) None of that is in stores yet, but then this wholly new, unannounced Juggy 4-pack shows up, advertising a second Galactus and an Ultimate Hulk mega-fig? The official Hasbro website doesn't even have these listed.

I have now been through Classic with all the characters. I guess I should start working on All-Star. Or Boss Battles, but Boss Battles sucks because you can't continue. One stupid Yoshi-egg-off-the-platform and your game is over.

Yeah, so, All-Star it is then. At least with All-Star you get some really sweet trophies.

Luigi is totally doing the Private Lynndie England.

That Snake closeup was captured during a giant match in which Snake then got a mushroom, for extra giantness.

Betcha didn't know you can take snaps during the intermissions in All-Star and Boss mode. For whatever reason. You can't even zoom properly.

DK is a total brickhead.

Do they all do that when Bowser is about to hump them, or just delectable Zero Suit Samus?

We'll end on a philosophical note. Mario contemplates man's place in the environment, while Lucario shakes his existential fist at the universe.

shitbuster (YouTube)
He busts people taking shits.

You Have To Burn The Rope (Mazapan)
Maybe you haven't been very successful in your gaming lately. Maybe you could use a confidence boost. You need to play You Have To Burn The Rope.

Apples and Much Much Bigger Apples (The Roar of Comics)
About the differences between success in TV ratings and success in comic sales... there's several orders of magnitude between the two. It's a No Duh, but it needs to be said:

Comics, ALL comics, not just the superhero stuff, are high cost mediums. Each issue costs money, they must be acquired at book stores if not specialty shops, and they must be read with a skill for navigating image and word that must be learned. That requires a lot more investment from the reader, and thus a lot less people feel like its worth it.

This is why people line up by the millions for watered-down superhero/fantasy/sci-fi movies and TV shows, even though comics have been doing it better for decades.

Disney's Gettin' Lazy (For the Birds Blog)
More examples of Disney re-using animation from previous films. Some are more homage than thievery (like seeing one of the Night on Bald Mountain spirits pop up in Black Cauldron), but seeing the monkey fight scene from Jungle Book play out exactly the same as the weasel fight scene from Mr. Toad... that's just depressing. I did enjoy seeing Bambi's mother appear in a handful of other films; it's good to know she's okay.

Next Mortal Kombat Is...MK v DC? (Kotaku)
Oh come on. Can't the crossover titles at least make a little sense? I'll buy this for the DC Comics characters (assuming awesomeness) and never, ever select a Mortal Kombat character.

Custom Soundtracks For Burnout Paradise PS3 (Kotaku)
And now I regret not picking this up months ago, because there's no way I'm buying it in the face of GTA IV.

Sinestro Will Sleep With Men, Women In Times Square For Victory (io9)
A twenty-year old clue to Sinestro's sexuality. Although this is totally just pageview-bait, at least they went to the trouble of asking Millennium's writer about it. Funny headline, though.

Kid Robot Takes On Adult Swim in New Figure Line (Action-Figure)
Hey, you know what I want? Little PVC figures of the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend. You know want I don't want? Them to be put in an 18-figure blind-box assortment alongside the fucking scientist from the opening credits to Robot Chicken, because I'll buy ten boxes and end up with ten of the fucking scientist from the opening credits to Robot Chicken.

Two weeks ago, the guys at Penny Arcade announced a contest to win a pile of WarCraft TCG stuff. All you had to do was write a bit of short fiction, based in the World of WarCraft universe, of exactly ten words.

Out of over thirty thousand entries, one of mine was selected for the daily newspost. I didn't win anything; I'm part of a list that's more or less "other entries that didn't suck." I'm like a runner-up to a runner-up to a runner-up. Still, getting pulled out of thirty thousand is impressive, I think.

What I can tell you is that my entry was actually the first line of an epic poem, ten lines in length. I liked the notion of doing ten ten-word submissions, telling a connected story but also individually interesting. I suppose you can be the judge of that.

Also note that I have never played World of WarCraft, but I'm always up for free card games.

She quickly sized up the new arrivals. They would do.
Their leader played cool, but the entire party wanted action.
Sure, it was gold. But was it worth their lives.
He liked the quest, and he liked the woman more.
His finger traced the rim of the mug. She smiled.
At the site, he thought he saw her eyes glow.
Her treachery exposed, the bloodied men scattered in all directions.
He escaped her blast only because he was last in.
Empty-eyed, he held the artifact in his one remaining hand.
"I'm sorry," the survivor cried to silence. "Pizza was here."

I don't know yet. I might like Wolf just because he was the last character I unlocked and I had to really fight to get him. But I definitely find myself gravitating towards him. There are characters I like to play even though I'm no good with them (Olimar, Peach)... there are characters I'm reasonably good with even though I don't like them (Captain Falcon, Donkey Kong)... but finding a character that I like with a moveset that I feel I can effectively manipulate is where it's at, and Wolf seems to fall in that category. He's everything I like about Fox without being quite so light and zippy. Plus he has bitchin' taunts. What's the matter, scared?

You've seen the Smash Taunts, right? Completely freakin' awesome, even if you can't take pictures of it in action.

As soon as I unlocked Wolf, I immediately tried to set up a sweet howl-at-the-moon shot in the Mansion stage.

Squirtle is about to have some fun with the warp star.

That upside-down stuff is screwy. It even messes with the photo mode.

Speaking of borked replays, I saved a replay tonight that completely misplays what actually happened. As I played it, I won the match (Fox) with two points. In the replay, the last fifteen seconds show Fox jumping around not hitting anything, tying with Ganondorf 1-1, and then losing in Sudden Death! Now that's messed up.

Smash Ball + Pika goggles + the cool Mansion lighting = hot shit.

It looks like Wolf is giving Charizard a big ol' hug.

Energy whip > radish.

First of all, I've always been leery of committing to third-party internet features. If you look back through my various web builds - and you can't - you see that only recently did I allow stuff like Shoutbox and Twitter and BoardGameGeek a place on my site. Prior this era of benevolence, I was pretty well convinced that any outside code would go belly-up in months, causing me to have to rewrite my site again. This hesitation comes from the Early Internet years, where I went through multiple free URL services and plugins and little gimmicky things that all disappeared one day. It took months of soul-searching before I committed to Movable Type, for crissake. I was ready to continue hand-coding HTML updates, because I could retain total control of the behind-the-scenes stuff.

So what I'm saying is that the Shoutbox was already something of a stretch for me. But it's a nice service. The Shoutbox itself is really well-implemented. The custom smileys are a lot of fun, the deluxe controls (which you pay for) are very nice for banning troublemaking IPs. I wholeheartedly recommend it. I'm dropping it because I'm very anal about its use, not because it doesn't work.

I had unregulated Movable Type comments for years, until I was hit with a round of spambots creating bogus comments of links to a fake online poker site. Since every entry has comments associated with it, I had to manually edit out hundreds of junk messages. I turned off commenting after several weeks of that.

After an MT upgrade or two, I figured out how to allow registered commenting. Since my templates are, at the core, fairly long in the tooth, I can't say I've done a 110% job of adding in the modern commenting code. But it works... at least, it works every time I go to it. In today's uncertain times, registered commented is absolutely required. Is that a shame? Sure. Is it inconvenient? Perhaps. Whose website is it? Mine.

Commenting should be about preserving the conversation, and the ease of the Shoutbox breaks that. It's water flowing through the crack in the pipe. People say great stuff, and it is forever disassociated from the proper context. That drives me crazy. So the Shoutbox must go.

Initially I balked at the very concept of comments because of what it looks like to see "comments: 0" all over the place. Failure, right? But since I see the monthly pageviews, that no longer bothers me. My website is not an unattended lecture; it gets more pageviews than some TV stations I know.

The only question is what will replace the Shoutbox, if anything. I whipped up a "recent comments" box, but that's sort of intrinsically weird because, again, it's out of context. But at least you'd see fragments of the conversation and if you want it, nearby links would take you to the entire weblog entry. And, perhaps more importantly, the box needs to be restricted to the first X words or else an egregiously long comment would bump the whole page into the Earth's crust. Double weird. Should "recent comments" even be a sidebar item? Maybe comments should only appear on the actual entry page, with merely a short notation on the main page that comments exist.

The latest Movable Type upgrade introduced some interesting commenting features that I want to investigate... like commenter avatars, which I would love. And you'd think there must be a way to get commenting to automatically turn off per entry after a certain number of weeks has passed. Because who needs people diving back to resurrect a three-year-old post?

More than likely, I'll just toss up the "recent comments" box and then tweak things going forward. Before the Shoutbox vanishes (and June is the deadline), I'll scrape out some of the comments and attach them to the relevant stories. And then hopefully I'll figure out something neatly robust for the site's commenting system.

Nobody takes care of their aging actor population like the British.

Lately I've been spending my Saturday nights watching British comedies on PBS, including "Last of the Summer Wine" which features a cast that looks to be entirely 70+. Imagine a prime time US show with nothing but AARP actors. There's something calming about their weary, pointed delivery... even though it's just a dozen interchangeable seniors setting each other up for quips and putdowns. It must be English Envy, because I'll watch stuff on PBS and BBC America that, were the same scripts produced by the US, I'd openly deride and avoid.

Superman/Batman Annual #2 declared awesome.

Although the Superman/Batman series has long been on the bubble for me, the recent Annual is fantastic. It is a modern retelling of a 1960s story, with Superman losing his powers and turning to Batman for help. This all takes place pre-Justice League, so Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne are still figuring each other out. Here's a portion of a conversation that should absolutely be in the new Justice League movie:

Bruce (referencing a League invitation card): I take it you got one of these.
Clark: Mm. Seems like a smart idea.
Bruce: You're kidding. "Superhero club" is a smart idea?
Clark: Well, no... I mean, it sounds dumb if you call it a "club." But the threats we're facing are getting bigger and nastier every day. Pooling our resources is smart.
Bruce: It's inane. This is the equivalent of forcing a dozen pop-star divas to share a dressing room... only each one has a nuclear missile strapped to their back.
Clark: That's some analogy. The last sixteen hours must have been slow to cook that up.

Guitars yes, Dual Shock 3s no.

Ventured out in search of Dual Shock 3s this weekend... found them nowhere. But Toys R Us did have the standalone Rock Band guitars, which was a pleasant surprise.

The curse of the schoolyard

I'm more or less accustomed to interfacing with casual gamer adults who may not really know much about the scene, but I am always caught by surprise by the other end of the spectrum: hardcore pre-teens who can talk and talk about gaming but fall prey to gross misinformation. I was playing Smash Bros with some fellows 13 and under, and I was informed with authority that the red pikmin is the most important one, Olimar's friend and sidekick. And also that there are other playable characters beyond the 35.

I'm going through Classic mode with all the characters, just for the trophies and the corresponding Challenge achievements. With the fighters I dislike, I set it to easy and then the whole affair is over in like ten minutes. Looks like you need to play Classic multiple times to get the trophies for the alternate transformations, like Sheik and Zero Suit Samus? And speaking of that, I still haven't figured out how to start a match as Zero Suit.

Now that Sakurai has come out firmly against panty shots, I might as well post a sample of my voluminous upskirt collection. I call it "The Wolf Whistle."

You see, by including Wolf, I turn it into a complicated cultural touchstone, not just a bit o' pink. Now it is art. Now it belongs to the ages.

Snake performs the tricky skateboard-less handplant.

What the hey? How did Azelf get in there?

Wario is never going to win the championship like that.

I titled that one on the left "ganondorfpwns" because I am shameless in the face of the internet.

Whenever I'm given a camera, I'm the jerk who goes around taking closeup pictures of stupid little details, like the horse posts along Main Street at DisneyWorld. Or a Poke Ball perched on a Landmaster cannon that is about to fade out.

Daft Hands - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (YouTube)
Get in on the Daft Hands meme now, before it becomes passe! Love this song, but the big problem with all of these videos is that it takes a minute before the guys start singing and the hands start vogueing. (You might prefer the version with teen girls in their underwear.)

Bible is America's favorite book: poll (Yahoo News)
How droll. Americans voted the Bible their favorite book even though they've never read it. If you could see me, I'm dancing the cha-cha offstage now.

Rumor confirmed: Google may buy my car (CNET)
Sort-of-funny parody of the endless litany of Google rumors. Onion probably did it way better.

A Call to Ban (Kotaku)
Wow, has this been a long time coming. For whatever reason, gaming supervoice N'Gai Croal brought up the Resident Evil 5 racism thing again, Kotaku covered it, and then a horde of asshat commenters proceeded to shake-and-bake Croal with all the usual insipid "we had white zombies in Resident Evil 2 and that wasn't racist either" bullshit. Kotaku's editors, supremely disappointed in that unleavened response, are now considering methods to cut the commenting mob.

When I first discovered Kotaku, only a few months after their launch, commenting was tightly controlled, invitation only, and EVERYTHING was readable. Bring it back, Kotaku, bring it back. Stop the unwashed commenters.

Grand Theft Auto IV: 11 Things Parents Should Know (What They Play)
A nice, even-handed writeup on what we know about GTAIV, written for the worried parent's perspective. Nothing condemning, just an overview. Even clears up a few items that will likely develop into nasty rumors anyway (RE: You can have SEX with HOOKERS and then KILL THEM!).

Although the Okami banner ad on the page did make me sad:

Aw. That's a pretty desperate slogan.

I'm at the level where any future games that lack instant photography will utterly disappoint me. Although I haven't read as such, I'm sure GTAIV will have a camera feature (San Andreas did). Seems awfully unlikely that I'll be as happy with Mario Kart Wii.

I recently learned that those little hammers on the Challenge board let you smash boxes, presumably ones you think you will never finish (like all the Multi-Man-related challenges). I thought they were just some kind of achievement ranking, as in 'How are you doing with your Challenges, Joe?" "Pretty sweet, I'm up to three hammers."

So if you use a hammer, do you automatically get the treasure inside? Can you use a hammer on a box that has not been revealed?

How great is that Peach pic. She's sitting in a tree!

If you're wondering where Kirby has been lately, he's gotten into the construction game.

One of my dream snaps is to get a whole bunch of dead pikmin spirits clustered together in the Mansion stage.

Love the zoom-out on Flat Zone 2. Very surprised that the original Flat Zone is not in the game.

Does that Mr. Resetti thing go on forever or what?

And there's two uber-dramatic shots to wrap up this edition. Unbelievably, I have more to come.

OK, let's get this out there: I would totally watch an animated Professor Layton. Movie, TV series, I'd even pick up a manga. I want to know more about this franchise.

Although not technically a Nintendo-owned property (Nintendo published the game, but did not develop it), Professor Layton should have been an Assist Trophy in Smash Bros. Hell, I want Professor Layton in as a challenger in the next Smash Bros.

And something else, for the non-Laytoned out there. Don't buy from Wal-Mart or GameStop, because they have the game for $35 like it's DS Year One or something. Merely $30 at TRU, so my years of painful loyalty finally pay off.

I have completed the storyline, to the tune of 112 puzzles and over 16 hours of playtime. There's still a few puzzles left to find (120 total inside the plot, plus a bunch of bonus materials). Although the game lets me jump back into the town to search for them, it's one of those deals where you're going back in time to just before the storyline's final moments. Ugh. I'm probably just going to look up the final puzzle locations somewhere online, because I'm missing at least two that will unlock additional bonus content.

Let me tell you how I played Professor Layton. I refused to use the hint coins (except in one case; explanation forthcoming) and once I found a difficult puzzle, I stayed focused on that one until I solved it. So I never quit a puzzle to work on it later.

One nice thing about puzzle solving... the game does not completely hate when you guess. Lots of puzzles can actually be solved through pure guesswork, which is nice when you've hit the Mensa wall. A wrong answer merely subtracts a few picarats (currency, sort of) from your reward total, and there's a limit on how many picarats the game takes each time. So once you get to your third guess per puzzle, there's no longer a penalty. Guess away. Guessing wrong often gets you a free hint, and that certainly helped put me on the right path in some cases.

So don't worry about getting things wrong, is what I'm saying. I've read some reviews where people gave up on the game because of the puzzles getting too hard... but in over 100 brainteasers, I either figured them out myself, guessed through them, and, in the case of the Seven Squares puzzle, used the hint coins.

I wanted to play without using a single hint coin, but I was just too sandblasted by Seven Squares. I must have an hour in on just that one puzzle. You're presented with an uneven assortment of pins (as shown above), and you have to figure out how to connect the pins to make seven squares, with each pin only used once. You just have to keep drawing until you get it, and I needed all three hints to master it. The third hint usually gives it all away, so there's another reason not to let yourself become overly frustrated by Layton.

My favorite puzzles were the ones that purposefully throw you off. Like this one:

Alfred and Roland have been hired by a farm to sow flower seeds. They've been assigned a 10-acre plot of land and split it in half so they can work independently. Roland starts from the east and Alfred from the west.

Alfred can plow the land at a rate of 20 minutes per acre. Roland takes 40 minutes to plow, but sows seeds at three times the speed Alfred does.

If sowing seeds on the 10-acre plot pays $100, how much of that money should go to Roland?

I'm definitely better at those type of tricky curveball puzzles than the math-based puzzles, although I often could not tell the difference at first. Then there's the puzzles where you just have to draw lines and slide tiles, like this one (Princess in a Box #2) where you have to shift the big red square from far left to far right:

Yep. Took me 790 moves to finish that one.

I'm surprised that the game did not include one of those stupid psychological pentagon diagrams, as found in the Everybody Votes Channel.

Your picarats don't even come into play until the game ends, so it's not like you're spending them right and left. I have 3766 of the things, and I guess they're just a threshold system to unlock bonus content. You don't ever spend them; you just open up more stuff automatically. I'm glad that one of the bonus menus lets you browse the animated cutscenes, because they are very, very nice.

Looks like I have another twenty or so under the bonus menus, not to mention the WiFi "download" puzzles... which is apparently a complete lie, since the WiFi stuff is already on the cartridge. I thought that download was awfully fast. Although the chicanery surrounding this is obnoxious, I'm more pissed by the fact that this means Nintendo definitely will shutter the Layton WiFi once they run out of the hidden in-game puzzles.

Maybe they're timing it so the sequel comes out this fall, when Curious Village stops accepting new puzzles. I'll be there. Interesting: there's a password in the sequel that you're supposed to enter into this game to unlock something else (probably... a puzzle). Pretty cool backwards passwordability thing there.

I used to say this about Brain Age, but now I'm revising it to Layton: Nintendo needs a Professor Layton Wii Channel, where every day you get a new brain teaser.

You might have read about Brawl director Masahiro Sakurai subtly slamming Nintendo's IP family on one of his Smash Dojo posts. On the topic of All-Star Mode, where you fight through the entire character lineup in order of their first appearance, he says:

When they're all lined up like this, it becomes obvious that there is roughly 6-year blank before and after Pikmin. While there have been big series since then like "Animal Crossing," "Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day," and "Wii Sports" it does seem that coming up with a completely new character-driven series has gotten more difficult recently.

This has been great grist for the anti-Nintendo mill, but it's blown way out of proportion. First of all, Sakurai's remarks are misleading in and of themselves. By his own admission, he finalized the roster in 2005, with the notable exception of Sonic... who was added in 2007 after a website poll. So as far as the "blank" goes, it's five years between the Pokemon Trainer (Pokemon: 1996) and Captain Olimar (Pikmin: 2001)... and only four years between Pikmin and 2005. Not a round twelve years, as he implies.

And although this isn't quite on point, Lucario first appeared in 2005 in one of the Pokemon movies, but did not appear in a Pokemon game until Diamond/Pearl in 2006 (in Japan). Additionally, the WarioWare series debuted in 2003, Wind Waker was 2002 (in Japan), Luigi's Mansion was 2001, Mario Sunshine was 2002, and of course the "modern" Twilight Princess look to the Zelda cast was 2006, so it's not like Sakurai was able to glean nothing from 2001 onward. (More on this in a minute...)

But let's see what else could have been mined for Challengers between 1996 and 2005. Sakurai himself mentions Animal Crossing (2001) which totally could have been an Ice Climbers clone with Boy and Girl, and Wii Sports (2006, but no doubt Miis were in the Nintendo pipeline well before that)... a Mii Fighter is such an obvious missed opportunity.

Paper Mario (2000, Japan) could have at least offered a supersweet stage and an alternate Mario costume, if not a wholesale Mario clone character.

Chibi-Robo (2005, Japan)... definitely a character-driven series, and Olimar's presence seems to indicate that size doesn't matter.

Ouendan (2005, Japan), represented in Brawl by a bunch of lousy stickers, could have been Pokemon Trainer-esque, with you switching between several dancing, acrobatic cheerleaders. The Final Smash would naturally unite them all.

Custom Robo (1999, Japan)... I mean, come on. Like Smash Bros couldn't use a mech.

Those are probably the six sort-of-biggies that could have been Challenger material, but we can't ignore the other games from 1996-2005 who are in Brawl in fan service form, via stickers, music and Assist Trophies: 1080 Snowboarding (1998), Sin & Punishment (2000), Golden Sun (2001), Magical Vacation (2001), Stafy (2002), Daigasso Band Bros (2004), Nintendogs (2005), Big Brain Academy (2005, Japan), Brain Age (2005, Japan), Trace Memory (2005), Electroplankton (2005, Japan), and Drill Dozer (2005, Japan). So Sakurai certainly took advantage of plenty of post-1996 games other than Pikmin, but simply did not feel anyone in there was worthy of full-on fighter status.

And furthermore, he had plenty of time from 2005 to 2007 to toss in stages and trophies and such from the games released during those two years. Yeah, he did not want to develop and balance a ton of new fighters, but he was able to borrow characters and elements from Elite Beat Agents (2006), Excite Truck (2006 in NA; we got that one first), Hotel Dusk (2007), and the new Pokemon generation of Diamond/Pearl (2006 in Japan)... which, as we see with Lucario, the Assist Trophies and Spear Pillar, was quite a bit more work than just coming up with stickers from Mag Kid.

Sakurai is selling his company short here (although technically, he was hired as a freelancer to lead Brawl development). Nintendo has done plenty over the last decade, both with and in addition to their "core" stable. Which, by the way, any other game company on the planet would kill to have even a third of the core that Nintendo draws from, so all of this NINTENDO IS TEH MARIO WHORE crap is just fanboy sour grapes.

Nine times out of ten, Nintendo is their own worst enemy.

Charlie Daniels of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" is pissed about the cover version in Guitar Hero III, and that's probably funny enough right there. And more than a little sad, because it underlines how creative people often sell away the rights to their art, for whatever reason happens to make sense at the time. Nobody ever talked to this guy about his song, and he only recently heard the mangled "new" version present in GHIII, complete with the silly Satan boss battle.

Sympathies over ownership issues aside, what makes it funny is Charlie Daniels' typically reactionary old-person view on the game, calling it perverted and grotesque. Moreso in regards to the dark imagery than the heavy metal rendition of his song. Hey you kids, get off of Charlie Daniels' lawn with your portable telephones!

And then he goes for the ol' "This game looks innocent enough but if you have a child who is playing it, take the time to sit with him or her while they're playing along and take a serious look at the images on the screen. You may be surprised at the world they're being exposed to." Seriously. He said that about Guitar Hero.

But what I really enjoyed was the Kotaku comment thread, which had me laughing nonstop.

FIRST COMMENT: "Guitar Hero sucks. Long live Rock Band." - Kyle81

YEP, WRONG GENERATION: "Charlie who?" - cheeses

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS: "LOL, they perverted the song, it is about a devil who went down to georgia, it is an okay song, but your the own you lost it to an ex because you probably couldn't keep your weeny in your pants. She probably was a gold digger and she took all your shit, so quit whinning and STFU." - ghnvt

ONE MAN'S OPINION: "they perverted this: [embeds video of Charlie Daniels original] good work GH dev's making this song good" - niall077

MORE FROM THE PARTISANS: "Rock Band is boring, dumbed down shit for 12 year old girls an d cry baby nerds who can't handle GH's difficulty." - inanimaterod

FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS: "Hey now, I was pretty fucking pissed when the song I played wasn't even the decent primus cover." - ManjiKengo

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE CARES ABOUT: "He should also consider, however, that people who were ignorant to his original recording may have sought it out and listened to it after hearing the remake. This may have gained him new fans, and if he truly believes in the message of his music, then reaching a single new fan should be far more important." - doubtful

EXPOSED, AGAIN: " I think he's a mean-spirited, nasty coot who has been spewing bile and hate for those who are not evangelical Christians (and especially Muslims) all in the name of his religion.

If you have ever read his Soapbox, you would know what an f***ing bigot this man is.

And this ONE HIT WONDER is pissed about something? Get outta town." - Spoony Bard

YOU MUST BE NEW HERE: "What is wrong with you people? This guy has done more in his life than most of you ever will. I personally believe some of his beliefs are antiquated (or even straight up wrong), but I don't personally attack someone with vitriol for simply believing something different from me.

He didn't attack gamers or anyone else -- he spoke directly to his fans about something that bothered him. What does it have to do with you? Nothing.

If you disagree, say so ... but show a little culture and maturity. Cursing him, using foul language, and worse is just pathetic." - jayntampa

WHICH GOD OF WAR DID YOU PLAY, LIT NERD?: "This is partially why I enjoy the God of War series - it has a hint of the kind of character development and sophistication towards classicism that I refer to - but I am constantly haunted by the feeling that the developers always went with the fanboy, violent, over-the-top, crass decision at each juncture, vs. going with a more classicist response at least part of the time." - Mohican

TRUE DAT: "I'd be pretty pissed if my song was used to destroy the Guitar Hero franchise too." - dowingba

So, like, what's Final Crisis about?

I do not even know. Although Countdown is supposedly leading directly into Final Crisis, it's not very good at making things clear. Moreso than any book I've read in recent memory, Countdown seems to require a straight readthrough - none of this one-issue-a-week crap - in order to piece it all together. And even then, it seems like the point is to generate mystery, rather than explain things. Eh.

I can't tell if Final Crisis is going to be Darkseid vs. the DCU or what. Was everybody in Monarch's army killed when Earth-51 exploded? I'm just barely keeping track of all this via Wikipedia. Which is where I learned that the cool-ass evil Scarab Beetle from Countdown: Arena was from the Zoo Crew Earth! Holy crap!

Pre-ordered MGS4.

Having successfully navigated the confused and wandering thought processes of GameStop employees, I now have $5 in on Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Already watched the Saga Vol 2 DVD... which is just another twenty minute overview of the entire series, but delivered with the unbeatable MGS art direction that kicks ass every damn time.

And now I have my key for the Metal Gear Online beta, which starts in mid-April. So there's something to do for the week before GTAIV comes out.

What is going on with Crossbow Training pricing?

Link's Crossbow Training was $20 at the end of last year. Now it's $25 everywhere. What the heck happened? Price of plastic going up?

Kingdom Hearts TCG expansion out and awesome.

Although I've already forgotten how to play the game, I'm heartened by the four boosters I bought this week. A big problem with the initial release was a sort of boring selection of cards... but I've already pulled plenty of Jack Skellington, Hercules, Beast, Jiminy Cricket, Mushu, Peter Pan, and two-thirds of Huey, Dewey and Louie. I also now have a much nicer selection of Worlds... which is great because the first set pretty much only allowed a deck full of Traverse Town cards.

We're suitable for entertaining.

Although we moved a year ago, we hosted our first New House Game Night this weekend. The main attractions were the dual forces of Rock Band and Smash Bros, but there was even a little LocoRoco. And on the tabletop front, two games of TaleSpin and three of Chrononauts. Everybody else took more interesting pictures than I did, so I'll wait until they fill their Photobuckets before reporting more on this epic event.

David Blaine Street Magic Part 2 (YouTube)
This is really effing funny.

telekinesis for iPhone/Mac (Google Code)
Media streaming, iSight capture, screen capture, file browsing, iTunes control... from your desktop Mac direct to your iPhone. Probably dangerous as hell, but cool as shit. These features ought to be official and secure.

Hilarious photo of Bush (Speigel Online)
Our President, photographed among scores of important dignitaries, none of which want to look at him. Translated from Danish, the caption reads "Like a sad child with his head against the wall." (Found via John Gruber.)

Sam And Max Totally Headed To The Wii (Kotaku)
Finally confirmed. Brilliant. Day one purchase.

CN Upfront 2008: "Batman: The Brave and the Bold" (Toon Zone)
Man, where did this come from? A brand new Batman series, with a very distinct Silver Age look to Bats, featuring team-ups with DCU heroes... even as current as the new Blue Beetle. Just, wow. (The Upfront also briefs the new Clone Wars series, more Foster's and Lazlo, but does not mention Chop Socky Chooks. And presumably, the Adult Swim gang gets their own Upfront... or perhaps they don't even bother with that.)

Legislator offers his 2 cents: scrap penny (Yahoo News)
Um, YES. Although I can't get too enthused... this particular article is about Canada's attempts to kill their penny. Although in America as well, it costs more than 1 cent to make a penny. End it. Along with stopping Daylight Saving Time, this is one of those obvious Stop Government Waste projects that will never pass simply because the inertia of moron America is too strong.

What anger looks like (Eric Ulken)
Ha! Mr. Ulken formed a tag cloud out of the almost-3,000 posts on Angry Journalist.com, and it's exactly what you would expect.

My challenge board is really, really full. Finding my final character this week released a string of related unlockables.

It was Wolf. You know this.

I'm sorta pissed, because I gave in and we looked up how to unlock him... and I was so close to stumbling into it on my own, which would have been the preferred method. You have to get Fox through Boss Battle mode (or there is some dumb hidden path in Subspace Emissary). Fox being one of my favorite characters, I definitely would have happened upon Wolf by myself. In fact, I had attempted Boss Battle mode with Fox previously, and just did not complete it. Even on the easiest difficulty, Fox is sort of underpowered against the bosses.

In one night, it took me five attempts to unlock Wolf... two of those with me not even finishing the bosses. Wolf was some pretty smart AI, mainly because he went after the items... which, when the CPUs are set to stupid, they're really slow about bothering. But I did it, and that unlocked All-Star mode, another pile of Events, and several Notices/trophies.

Wolf's taunt voice sounds exactly like Race Bannon.

Everything Wario does is just gross.

Yoshi re-enacts his favorite scene from A Christmas Story.

Since Shadow is the only Sonic-related Assist Trophy, getting these two together is about as Sega fanboy as it's going to get.

I love that ridiculous Mario Bros vs. Bowser shot.

The other night I did about a dozen Giant Game & Watch matches, with four Mr. G&W in Flat Zone 2. Hilarious.

"You're right, Mr. Popular Opinion! Everything on GameCube was terrible! Sunshine was a disaster, Starfox was an abortion, Double Dash was a joke, Wind Waker was an embarrassment, and we actually let Luigi front a game! I, Mario, accept full responsibility for this dark and disgusting era in gaming. Thank god somebody at corporate hit on the star-making idea to wave sticks at the TV like a tennis racket."

It's that time again, time to discuss what I'm about to buy.

We all know that 1Q is almost always a bust for gaming. The only games of note are the few that missed their holiday ship dates, for good or ill. As April begins, we're really just emerging from the first quarter coma.

The biggie is GTA IV (4/28). Huge, huge, huge. So huge that almost nothing else is shipping for the entire month. Seriously. The only company with the balls to stand toe-to-toe against Grand Theft Auto is Nintendo, with Mario Kart Wii (4/27). But given the disparate audiences there, it's hardly toe-to-toe. It's like scheduling Touched By An Angel against Smackdown.

I'm so not thrilled about two big games happening in one week. Maybe one of them will blink and either delay a week or hop up one. Nintendo has to already have the MKW boxes assembled, since that stupid wheel is in there; they could drop on the 20th. GTA IV, meanwhile, is probably still testing stuff. They're not going to press disks until the last possible moment. And even then there's going to be some awful required patch, believe it.

Wishful thinking. I'm spending $110 that week. And Clark gets a wheel.

To make matters worse, the pre-orders for Metal Gear Solid 4 should start this month. I asked about the pre-order deal at a GameStop last weekend, because I read that some stores were distributing the bonus materials early. When you pre-order, you're supposed to get the Metal Gear Saga Vol 2 DVD (I have Vol 1, I'm a fanboy!), and a pass into the beta for Metal Gear Online. Naturally, the fucking GameStop employee had no idea what I was talking about. Is it too much to hire kids who actually follow gaming? Jesus, Abercrombie & Fitch is right down the hall if you'd rather work there. I'm more or less okay with the lies and blank stares from clerks at Toys R Us and Target (overhead quote from a Target goon, when a customer asked about Wii bundles: "Well, it depends on what Nintendo wants to do, sometimes they have special bundle offers." Not since the fucking GameCube, you mean.), but the staff at GameStop ought to bloody well know about every goddamn pre-order offer available now and in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, the GameStop guy happily offered to pre-order MGS4 for me, even without knowledge of the bonus disks. Oh yeah, I'll bite on that, idiot. Shiggity-shiggity-schwa.

The next Warhawk expansion is out this month. I'm guessing that's $8 or so, which is a sum not even worth thinking about. I'm more concerned about filling up my PS3 hard drive, actually. This expansion doesn't seem as cool as the first one though. (EDIT: And with good reason, 1.3 is a FREE update!) (EDIT AGAIN: Although there is genuine $8 expansion out this month, Broken Mirror... with a new map and new vehicle. I can't keep this Warhawk junk straight.)

I think the new Eye of Judgment set was pushed into April. That's a definite.

Sony's Dual Shock 3 drops in the middle of the month, at the Let's Recoup Our Console Losses price of $55. I'm getting it, yes. It will be just in time for the multiplayer stuff in GTA IV. I've studiously avoided getting a second controller for just this purpose, so might as well suck it up and report for duty. When you come to visit, you're stuck with the shitty non-vibrating SIXAXIS, sorry.

April was when those stand-alone Rock Band guitars were supposed to show up, right? Haven't heard anything about that lately, which worries me.

So that's Month #4, although Month #5 should be mighty interesting as well... what with the WiiWare and all. I'm sure I'll grab three of those games right out of the gate. (Dr. Mario, Pokemon Ranch/Farm/Commune, and one of those third party titles.) One thing I've learned from Virtual Console and the PSN Store stuff, nothing quite beats the convenience of having a selection of games ready to go without farting with disks.

Back to the racks, I have to confess a burgeoning fascination with Boom Blox. Everything I read makes me want it.

Oh yeah, and Wii Fit. There's probably some legislation on the House floor that will require all Wii owners to buy it.

April and May, 2008. Smash Bros was the harbinger of the return of true fun.

The other night when I started up Brawl, it immediately threw me two notices... one, that the sprites from Advance Wars were now available as an Assist Trophy, and two, that I now have all the Assist Trophies available. That was kind of a bummer. I was hoping for a ton of Assists, like a hundred. Where's the Elite Beat Agents Assist Trophy? Chibi-Robo? Slippy? The Duck Hunt dog? The girl from Balloon Kid? Seems like a lot of missed opportunities for a game that was in development for years.

Can anybody tell me why Luigi's Final Smash is a weird hippie dance? Was there some kind of Luigi Meets Late-Period Beatles game that I missed?

I don't really know what's going on with R.O.B. and Samus there, but that R.O.B. model just has this impressive physicality to it. Like it's a real object.

Any photo with Snake choking someone is a good photo.

"I, Lucas, do beseech mighty Andross to get Nintendo to release Mother 3 in western territories. I mean, seriously, they got Fire Emblem before a new EarthBound?"

I'm usually fascinated by pics of the ancillary characters and elements, like these Shy Guys and Waddle Dees.

NEW CHALLENGER: Ghost Rider! Marvel Comics' famous spectral biker joins the Brawl! With his brimstone chain attack, crippling Penance Stare and of course his trademark flaming motorcycle, Ghost Rider can be unlocked once you get fifteen online random matches to actually finish.