OK. Since this "realistic" look stripped most of the series' prior charm away, the rest of the experience is really laid bare. I hope that Nintendo's claims that this will be "the last Zelda as we know it" turn out to be true and not just false marketing hype. Because this franchise needs to amp it up so that it returns to its high status as a gaming standard, rather than just toeing the line set by Ocarina.

Hey Nintendo, you know what I don't want as my reward for reaching a particularly well-hidden treasure chest, or for completing a complicated and lengthy sidequest? Fucking rupees. Money is cheap in Hyrule, so cheap that they had to include a money-eating suit of armor just to make use of it all. It is not an acceptable reward for going out of your way to clean out all the nooks and crannies. How about rewarding players with rare (and inconsequential) trophies for Link's hovel, customizable clothing sets, or weapons over and above the traditional sword-and-shield.

Moving on. It is time for voice acting. It looks so low-rent to see the characters lips aimlessly flapping to nothing (not even the syntho-garble of Animal Crossing or Chibi-Robo), while you click through freakin' subtitles. It really is crappy. In the big finale where Ganondorf gives a big speech but all you hear is his repeated laugh sound sample... it just wrecks any chance at immersion. And without immersion, you just want the cutscenes to end and get back to the game. Is that really what Nintendo wants?

I mean, I guess I don't care if Link himself never gets a voice beyond the "aah HAH!" of combat. There is precedent for a muted hero. But everybody else needs to get cast. This is a big reason why nobody gives a shit about your average Zelda storyline. Maybe if Midna had a voice and therefore a presence deeper than an animated slideshow, I would have remembered more about her and the reason for the quest, instead of just following the map to find the next dungeon and screwing around looking for golden insects.

About that quest. I'll admit that I spent so much time NOT doing dungeons that I probably forgot some stuff, but was there any reason to bring in Ganondorf other than pure fan service? It's not like each dungeon is of his crafting, or even that you chase him through each level in order to advance the plot. Hell, even Zant, the red herring baddie, is barely seen throughout the game.

You're just going through dungeons because you know you have to - and because it will be fun - not because you feel any real pressing need to dive in there. Shouldn't one of Nintendo's A-list series aspire to more than that? Both Ocarina and Wind Waker had far more compelling twists... like Ganondorf's early appearance as the bandit leader in Ocarina, and the mystery of flooded Hyrule in Wind Waker. The only personal hook in Twilight Princess is the subplot with the kids of Ordon. And when I say "personal," I mean not the hoary old "we have to save the world at all costs" macguffin. And what happens to those kids? Only Ilyia cares about being separated from her home, and only because she has amnesia! The rest just hang out in Kakariko like it's summer camp, and you're given gradual updates on their status that may or may not have anything to do with the cross-country temple trek.

There's a lot of promise in the first third of Twilight Princess that never pays off. Or rather, it is quickly forgotten in favor of the usual Beat This Dungeon, Then This Dungeon, Then That Dungeon. The initial fear that Ordon could be overrun by evil is never played out. The burning stagecoach scene and the bridge joust scene promise more huge setpieces that never arrive. You only do the Twilight ghost thing early on and then never again*. There's not even a satisfactory explanation as to why Link gets to turn into a wolf with psychic powers... nobody else in Twilight looks like a wolf.

Again, that's not to say that the dungeons aren't fun and clever. Just that they are disconnected from the core game, and thrown out there as a crutch while everything else remains unchanged since the N64 days.

Like I said before, there is no reason for the game to roll credits and shut down after beating Ganondorf. As I predicted, there was no earth-enveloping light wave that eradicated every moblin and spider from Hyrule. You could kill 'dorf and then ride right back out to continue exploring and killing skeleton dogs. The only reason you can't rests in Nintendo's incompatible opinions of their game: One, that the plotline is so good that when you end it, it's worth ending your own linear progression (like a movie)... and Two, that your interest in the plotline is so non-commital, that you won't mind jumping back in time to play parts you may have overlooked and re-do sections of that plot.

And another thing? No more of this half-assed save bullshit. When I save inside a dungeon and quit playing for the night, I should not return tomorrow to find that Link has been reset to the front door. Saving should work as you expect, consistently. It should not be different depending on whether you're deep in a dungeon or not.

All right. Enough being harsh. The bottom line is that Twilight Princess is a very serviceable game, in terms of gameplay, but unable to generate much emotion out of the storytelling... and Nintendo's weird myopic quirks continue to drag the series down. Of course, the game's greatest failing is that it is held to standards that most games never dream of.

Not that that stops EGM from asking Nintendo the assiest question possible in their post-mortem on Twilight Princess in the Feb '07 issue:

We can't help but think how much better the game would look on the PS3 or 360. Wouldn't that power help convey the story better?

Dicks! That's just a ham-fisted way to trick the Nintendo rep into saying "Yeah, the Wii just isn't powerful enough to cut it." As if. What did EGM expect to happen, that Nintendo would see the bump-mapped light and announce their plans to develop a PS3-exclusive Zelda game?

*I had completely forgotten about seeing ghosts while in psychic wolf form, until the final castle level when I was doggedly going after every single treasure. There was one corner of the floor that I just could not get to, naturally with treasures within. In desperation - there are no hints that you should do this - I turned into the wolf, activated the spidey-sense, and experienced the only time I have even been shocked in a Zelda game.

Your senses reveal a small troop of ghost soldiers pointing towards the wall. That's called a clue, folks. Shouldn't the whole game have had stuff like this in it?