Pause for deafening silence.

The new Sonic Wii game comes out this week.

Oh, really?

Doing a Wii exclusive is Sega's last chance to make people care about Sonic again. Everybody hated the supposedly "reinvented" Sonic The Hedgehog game from last fall, where Sonic makes out with Lacey Chabert while his growing army of clones plays the game for him. I hated Sonic Heroes because the point of each level is to not run. So jumping onto the Wii's coat-tails and driving Sonic like a car with the remote is Do Or Die time.

And judging from the box art, "Sonic and the Secret Rings" is the game where Sonic finally has that fatal heart attack.

I'm debating picking it up. On the con side, Sonic has sucked donkey balls for over five years. On the pro side... this just may be that "back to basics" title that we've been waiting for. Just with a crappy, Berenstein Bears-esque title.

Yech. You'll recall this game was initially branded as Sonic Wildfire, which was cooler in a cheesily Sonic way. Some sort of copyright threat pulled "Wildfire," (was it that '80s cartoon with the horse?) leaving Sega with the spare dregs of remaining subtitles. Rush, Drift, Rivals, Heroes, Adventure, Blast, Advance... all used and discarded.

It's the "and the" that really hurts it. I'm thinking even plain "Sonic Rings" would have been an improvement. At least that would have sort of fit with the usual template for Sonic game titles. Sonic + Some Punchy Word. But they're probably saving that for the breakfast cereal.

What's with the Arabian Nights theme? Oh, I know... it's public domain and completely free to mis-appropriate in any way you like, God of War style. If you want to do gorgeous levels in a theme, go right ahead. But don't try to sell me on some half-assed pigslop that Sonic has to defend ancient Persia from a malevolent genie, jesus. I just want to be impressed when beautiful scenery goes whizzing past at a billion miles an hour. I realize that Sega is just trying to rise above the cliched forest world / city world / pinball world / water world / air world trope... but Arabian Nights is just about the randomest thing they could have chosen. From what I gather, the dev team didn't have much time to get a Wii exclusive together this close to launch, so this quick-cooked weirdness is what we get.

(And yes, I still consider February "close to launch." I'm already officially sick of the Wii hate crowd burning down buildings because of an alleged game drought; and on the weeks where the new VC games suck; and because of the still-unstated online game strategy; and freaking out over the push-back of Mario, Metroid and Smash Brawl. Sick. Of. It. Our Day One Wiis only slipped out of the 3-month warranty period yesterday for fuck's sake.

I don't care what system you own, if you need to have AAA titles drop every goddamn Monday, plus a stone cold release list of killer apps for the next three years, you're a complete misanthrope.

At least we seem to be done with all the sob stories from jackasses who chucked their remotes through a table lamp.)

So there it is. A new Sonic game. I'll let you know if I cave and pick it up.