Comparing the Songs to the Stories in Elite Beat Agents, the Final Part
01.25.07 / 10:24PM / Joe
 Bonus 1: Aspire! Dancing to the Limelight!!
Featured Song: Cher - "Believe" (1998)
That Weird Electronic Effect: Is interestingly intentional.
Embarrassing Secret: If you still can't wrap your brain around how long Cher has been around, consider this: she dated Warren Beatty when he was in his 20's.
Stage Synopsis: A country girl is working as a waitress in the big city, serving platters while she plans on becoming a Broadway star. In the middle of her juggling practice and her work, her boyfriend Tex shows up, willing to take her home if she abandons her dream. The Agents provide the backup as she prepares for the audition of a lifetime.
Song Analysis: Cher is kickin' her dude to the curb. Bold and unafraid, Cher does not worry about ending the relationship. She is excited by the future, not intimidated, and certainly not lonely. In fact, she suspects that the guy she dumped may have the harder time of it.
How Do They Match Up? One word only. "Believe", the word by itself, is nicely appropriate for a tale about working hard for a difficult goal. The song's "I'm better without you" vibe doesn't do much, though.
★ ★ ★
 Bonus 2: Here, Kitty Kitty! Baby Hijinks!!
Featured Song: The Jackson Five - "ABC" (1970)
Chiefly The Vocal Product Of: Michael and Jermaine.
Embarrassing Secret: The cover to "Victory".
Stage Synopsis: In a romp taken directly from any of a hundred Popeye cartoons, a curious infant escapes from the family home and explores a construction site. The baby is kept out of danger by a pet cat, who desperately attempts to get the child home before the song ends. The Agents are on hand to help the cat navigate the trials of such an endeavor.
Song Analysis: It's intended as a super-cute teenybopper first love song, but much of the song reads like somebody needs a restraining order.
Sit down, girl!
I think I love you!
No!
Get up, girl!
Show me what you can do!
How Do They Match Up? Zippo. The main connection here is that ABC is sung by (more or less) a group of kids, and the level has a silly Saturday Morning feel. Again, pop music's over-dependence on love songs would have made for too many identical EBA levels, so this sort of variance is to be expected.
★ ★ ★
 Bonus 3: The Last Laugh! Just a Peanut Matter!!
Featured Song: Destiny's Child - "Survivor" (2001)
Group Now Known As: Beyonce.
Embarrassing Secret: Went through members faster than Menudo.
Stage Synopsis: A zombie infection is destroying a small town, and only one man can turn the tide. A tough-looking employee of a peanut factory, he takes to the streets with his peanut gun... the awful-tasting nuts instantly turn zombies back into normal people. The Agents dance in backup as the peanuts fly!
Song Analysis: The lyrics are probably the worst writing in the universe. The entire song is an infantile list of opposites.
Thought I couldn't breathe without you, I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you, Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya, But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya, But I'm livin'
Sadness #1: The song triggered a lawsuit between former band members when Beyonce started taking shots at her former partners ("You thought I wouldn't sell without ya, Sold nine million.")
Sadness #2: Rumors say that Beyonce wrote the song after hearing a radio DJ compare the Destiny's Child singer-shuffling to "getting voted off the island" in Survivor. There's layers of awfulness there, peeling like an onion about to die by its own hand.
Sadness #3: Perhaps the worst line in the whole monsterpiece is "You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet." Not so much because of the intense stupidity of it, but because Beyonce does one of those tribbling voice tricks on the word "internet." She does one of those tribbling voice tricks on the word "internet."
I will say that the chorus is pretty kickass, and deserves to be in a better song.
How Do They Match Up? Chorus only. "I'm a survivor" makes perfect sense placed inside of a zombie massacre. Just ignore the nonsense inbetween. | 
