The thing is, this isn't S.H.I.E.L.D. This is an attempt to give the DCU its own S.H.I.E.L.D. and it just rings false. S.H.I.E.L.D. is always everywhere in the Marvel Universe. They're in every book, they're in every alternate universe reboot. They're important. Checkmate is not important. When was the last time you saw Checkmate in the DCU? They just sort of popped up to front that whole awful Max Lord storyline last year. They're simply not a major presence in the DCU and to magically pretend that they are is ridiculous.

Fire: Completely out of place and out of character. Alan Scott: Where the hell did that eyepatch come from? Sasha: I guess DC didn't think a book called "Batman's Girlfriend, Sasha Bordeaux" would sell.

This is one of those abortive event-spawned "ongoing" titles that will get retconned into a miniseries before anybody notices it's been dropped from Previews.

Ion: Guardian of the Universe #1 I'm still smarting over Jade's death, and I still don't believe she will stay dead for long, despite the ghost appearance in JSA #85. This 12-issue miniseries may be my best chance of seeing her, if only in Kyle's tortured, introspective flashback splash pages.

This was a really bad first issue. Although, intellectually, it's not a first issue. It's issue #182 of the Kyle Rayner Green Lantern series, as hijacked from Hal Jordan with issue #51. Even though Hal got the GL title back - and rebooted the numbering - Kyle's story continues here. Viewed as just an everyday next issue, it's not bad at all. Hell, it has Torquemada in it, who is my choice for the Lantern most deserving of future attention.

Fifteen years ago, we had a ton of Green Lantern-related titles on the racks - GL, Mosaic, Guy Gardner, GL Corps Quarterly - and they all imploded. We're getting to that point again, with GL, Ion, and the upcoming Green Lantern Corps. During all these years of Kyle being "the last Green Lantern," conventional wisdom held that the Lantern books just didn't sell. So why are we doing this again? Hal's book is floundering already, story-wise... and had the unfortunate timing to premiere mere months before getting thrown into the future under One Year Later. No one is going to put much stock into Ion. Corps is the one I'm looking forward to... but I can't help but think how nice it would be if we could just have all the Green Lantern stories and characters in one book again.

Villains United Special #1 This was a masterpiece. And conceptually, it should have been terrible... because it can't end (it leads directly into Infinite Crisis #7), it has far too many characters, and the "heroes" of the original miniseries are barely in it!

But it is well-written, well-choreographed... and a damn fun read. Gail Simone reached a lot of new readers with Villains United, and her writing has deservedly won accolades. She writes smart. She avoids the characters acting as cliched super-hero standbys. She has managed to turn a bunch of second-string (shit, third-string) characters into interesting, fully-formed people. Dr. Psycho, Catman, Calculator, Dr. Light... even Captain Nazi has his moment in these pages. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a gift.

The only error is Fire appearing in her backup-singer-for-Prince outfit.

Ultimate Fantastic Four #29 Why do ALL THREE Fantastic Four titles ship in the same week? Jesus, people.

Greg Land's artwork completely and totally sucks. He is a major distraction on this title and needs to be shunted.

Why again is this storyline called "President Thor"? He has had almost nothing to do with anything. And in fact, all of his scenes across the three parts could have been trimmed out or replaced. In this issue, you only see him in one panel, dying.

Marvel Knights 4 #29 Oh right, we're supposed to just call this book "Four" now. Fucking Marvel. At least they're admitting the phrase "Marvel Knights" is horrible.

This book has been really uneven lately, with the lowest point being that Impossible Man / Mary Sue thing a couple issues back. I will say this about new penciler Clay Mann: he knows his anatomy. Unlike most comic hero books, his characters look like actual humans. That bit of realism is especially nice in a Fantastic Four title, since the team doesn't really need any exaggerated anatomy. I despise when people draw Mr. Fantastic all muscley. There are no Captain Americas or Supermans on this team, just normal people. Well, and Ben, but his appearance is so distinct that he's the exception that proves the rule.

Fantastic Four #537 You know what's great about this issue? Dr. Doom is back, and he has returned to his classic costume. No more bio-mechanical Giger armor!

Oh, and the image on the cover? Not a portion of it is true. Especially the "The Road to Civil War" part.

Civil War #1 Speaking of that...

First of all, nice cover. It's cool to see companies playing around with the format. Just because comics have been around since the '30s doesn't mean they have to continue to look like it.

OK. Civil War was good. It strikes me as unusual for a Marvel title, because it's so cerebral. And it is extremely topical: the US government decides all super-heroes need to be registered, in an effort to stop vigilantism and future tragedies. What kicks it off is genius: the New Warriors - who have sucked since forever - get themselves and a sizeable chunk of Connecticut blown up on reality television.

This is what Marvel does best: integrate super-heroics with reality. If we had masked heroes with unbelievable powers wandering our cities, you can damn well bet George Bush would want them all under his leash. This is a very timely story, and comes off as very well-reasoned. "Reality" is built into Marvel's DNA. This is why their properties have struck a chord in other media, why they translate just a little bit better to live-action movies. DC did a reality-super-hero-show storyline back in Young Justice several years ago, but it was more for laughs and soap. More like Real World. Marvel chose COPS as their template.

Of course, DC did this same storyline already - the government coming down hard on heroes. It's a major part of the DCU's heroic history: the JSA operated in the '40s, was forced to disband (or fall into line) under Joe McCarthy's '50s, leaving a gaping lack of heroes for many decades until Superman made his debut. That's DC's canon.

Interesting that comics writers find similarities between the witchhunts of 1955 and the current administration.

But back to Civil War... the worst part is that Marvel presents the book to us from a position of failure. There's a big "editorial" in the back that introduces us to all the major characters, and describes where we can read more about them. This is Marvel awkwardly begging us to buy more books, and it comes off as totally humilating and pandering. Guys, I know where to "read more" about the Human Fucking Torch. If you think for a minute that a book called "Civil War" with Captain America and Spider-Man on the cover is going to bring in new readers who don't know where to find X-Men trade paperbacks, you're an idiot. That entire editorial should have been stamped "ADVERTISEMENT." Pathetic.

I just hope that, unlike House of M, this event actually ends within the core series.

Infinite Crisis #7 Here it is. The big finish. We pick up right in the big mega-battle, where Villains United Special left off. Just as quickly, we follow crazy Superboy-Prime into deep space, where he runs straight into the Green Lantern Corps. Awesome.

For my money, the cosmic nature of Alex Luthor's gambit faded rather fast. One issue, he's metaphorically juggling planets, and the next, he's de-powered and hiding in alleys. But his final scene was fabulous. A key moment that rides off of multiple subtle plot elements throughout the storyline.

I'm also not sure we were given enough rationale for Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman disappearing for a year. Perhaps their individual titles handled it in greater detail.

There's a splash page at the end (*yawn*) that is destined to become one of those things that gets ridiculed as time goes on. Because, not content with just sticking to the established heroes... not even willing to stop at adding in the b-listers who happened to play a role in this storyline (like Catman, Detective Chimp, and the new Blue Beetle)... no, this spread has to include every DC character who either currently has a title or will have one in the next few months, regardless of relevance. The new Aquaman who isn't really Aquaman. The Creeper. Vixen. Grant Morrison's Seven Soldiers of Victory lineup is in there, which is outlandish. And then there's Martian Manhunter's awful new costume. And plenty of smaller figures that are barely identifiable. Northwind, is that you? What a waste of two pages.

52 #1 This is high concept. A comic book that takes place in real time! Each issue covers one week in the "missing year" that occurs between Infinite Crisis and One Year Later. There's a new issue every week, hence, 52. Neat.

Booster Gold figures heavily into it, brilliantly returned to his roots as a hero-cum-spokeperson. It is still odd to see him without Beetle by his side. Steel takes away Natasha's armor... which sucks because her set was far more interesting than his. Elongated Man almost kills himself... my prediction is that he will die somehow anyway (under the conspiracy theory that DC would rather not have two stretchy heroes, and Ralph is more providentially expendable than Plastic Man.)

And, randomly, Black Adam is also a star. I like the guy, but I didn't know anybody else did. At least, not this much. He was a big part of Villains United and Infinite Crisis, and now 52. DC is turning him into their own landlocked Sub-Mariner. Visually, he was just about there, so this will complete the transformation.

By the way, all of those creepy pixel-pics come from this French website called "Ze Ball Breaker." There. I just triggered you wasting half an hour. Enjoy.