There's a Nintendo survey going around that gauges opinion on the concept of a virtual console... the fancy name for the Nintendo Revolution's downloadable catalog of games from the NES, SNES and N64. The survey comes complete with some mocked-up images that show how such a service might work. And they're incredibly, amateurishly ugly. Had I three wishes, I would consider using one to go back in time to kill whoever it was who invented the font "Impact."

They were created by the survey people at Nintendo's behest, so in no way should we assume these atrocities are your advance look at the Revolution interface. Nevertheless, these screens will be all over everything since we're all so desperate for Rev news. It's classic Nintendo: do/say/release something horribly stupid and then pretend that nobody is going to talk about how horribly stupid it is. Like when Iwata said that gamers only have time for one or two big games a year.

The screens show the catalog organized by console, which made me start thinking if that was truly the best way to go. The way the survey shows it, this thing is marketed directly towards retro-gamers, towards longtime Nintendo fans. Which is directly opposed to every marketing quote Nintendo has dropped in the past twelve months: that gaming needs to expand past gamers, that we need to attract more non-gamers, that game culture has alienated people who might otherwise be interested in it.

Non-gamers aren't going to know WTF they're looking at when the screen says "CHOOSE YOUR CONSOLE: NES, SNES, N64." They're not even likely to know what "console" means. These are insider terms. They're certainly not going to be conscious of any overall differences between the choices. And if they had a passing experience with a Nintendo system fifteen years ago, can you even expect that they would remember which one it was, so they can quickly find a game they vaguely recall enjoying? It could have been a Sega Genesis and they might still remember it as a "Nintendo."

I'd probably list the games according to genre (which will be confusing enough) and add icons to the titles to indicate the console... and after a few purchases, non-gamers will grow that delightful little brain lobe that you and I have, the one that contains buzzwords like "8 bit" and "Mode 7" and "Z-trigger." Or offer a sorting feature so you can browse by genre, console, alphabetical, etc. What I'm saying is, they'll catch on, but you gotta have it make sense to them from the start, or they'll never click that menu button.

Or else you might as well make it look like this:

Because that kind of PopCrap is all non-gamers are going to want anyway.

The survey goes on to toss out possible pricing plans... maybe $15/month for unlimited access... $3 for NES games up to $20 for N64 games. Straight off, that's too much for N64 games. That might even be too much to ask for GameCube games once the Revolution gets rolling. I'd go $3 / $5 / $10 / $15 for NES / SNES/ N64 / Cube. With regular discounts on the loser games like Clu Clu Land or NES Pinball. And where's the Game Boy games?

The subscription rental plan will bomb. Unless they offer up a truly massive library (like, every game ever made) and they throw in exclusive rare titles in that only monthly subscribers can play... like Japan-only games or never-released games. People will pay for special stuff or for bulk stuff, but a mere 100 games - including a lot of crap judging from the list - is not worth $15 a month. How's GameTap doing?

Or, they could make you buy Nintendo Power and you get this service for an additional price. A year of NP goes for $20 and that already includes a free strategy guide or t-shirt (I usually go for the t-shirt.) I'd probably do $40 a year for NP, t-shirt, plus unlimited Virtual Console access. But even then, I hate the idea that I'm only renting the games and that they will disappear should my subscription lapse. I'd still rather pay the money to download a permanent copy.

Not that I'd buy a lot anyway. The survey has a list of potential catalog games, with the expected (Super Mario Bros! Metroid! Starfox 64!) and the unexpected (Sin & Punishment! Kid Icarus! Wario's Woods!). There's not many I would feel the need to revisit. Between Animal Crossing and the NES e-Cards, I have pretty much all the NES stuff I need. I would buy Super Mario Bros just for historical reasons. There's some SNES classics I would grab, simply because I never played them: Super Mario RPG, Earthbound, Super Metroid and what the hell is "Yoshi's Hunting"? On the N64 I would get Pokemon Snap because we loved that game beyond all reason.

So that's approximately $30 you're getting from me, Nintendo. And that's if you follow my pricing scheme.

My biggest fear about the Revolution (aside from the notion that non-gamers are effectively in control of whether or not Nintendo hardware exists five years from now) is that Nintendo will use the Virtual Console as an excuse to make less games. "You don't need any marquee releases this month; you've got all these great games waiting for download! Don't worry about yet another generation with anemic third-party support; you could be playing the game that started the Metroid franchise!"

For me, backwards compatibility is a bonus, not a feature.