Rising up out of fields that probably still hold the blood and bone of Civil War soldiers, Boyds Bear Country is a classic monument to unchecked consumerism in the grand American style. You go here to buy stuffed animals. That's it. I'm sure there are "Secrit Planz" hidden in the Head Bean's vault with Disney-esque intentions for expansion in the wide green backyard behind the barn... but for now, you're just buying bears. Probably many of the same bears you can get at the craft store down at the shopping plaza. But here, those bears congregate in bulk to form an avalanche of plush that stabs at your senses with furry hand-sewn paws and obnoxious down-home english.

We're into the cats. Not so much the bears.

Unfortunately, the Head Bean hates cats. He only sends a cat out to production when his marketing team swears to him that he can pull a few extra bucks out of the cat-lovers demo. You'll see more chickens and monkeys around BBC than cats. And whenever there's an all-animals mini-line - like little four-inch animals holding embroidered hearts for Valentine's Day - you'll be very lucky to spot a cat in the lineup.

The ongoing cat hatred means that this insulting "Puddy Tat Shack" is tucked away in a corner on the first floor, over by a freight elevator. There's about twenty paces between this area and the nearest non-cat display. But we're not afraid! We'll browse for new cats!

Although Clark began the day in high spirits, he wasn't thrilled with the Boyds Bear Ear headpiece.

One thing you should know about the Boyds Company: they know their goddamn audience. If they can find a license partner to create compatible collectibles, they will do it and do it without shame. The zones of BBC look like a Hot List for the Modern Senior. You collect M&Ms junk? Coke memorabilia? Boyds has bears dressed like M&Ms and stitched with Coke logos. Into NASCAR? Go pick up a bear in the regalia of your favorite driver. Red Hat Club? Patriotic jingoism? Military heroes? Christian inspirational quotes dumbed down into bear puns? All available in force. Even celebrity lines designed by the Miracle Worker.

I gotta tell you, Patty's bears look like every other bear in the place.

Another thing: the Head Bean is wildly paranoid and greedy to a McDuckian scale. When your local craft/collectibles franchise has storewide sales, you can bet that Boyds Bears are excluded. Because you should always pay full price at all times for Boyds Bears. And you'll find the following slogan everywhere... even on the receipts in the food court:

You know what that means? Don't buy Boyds Bears from eBay. Because the secondary market money doesn't flow back to Bear Country. It's downright creepy how pervasive the corporate iron fist is in the Boyds world. And yet, simple presentation skills often escape them:

Is the Seaso for somebody to walk around on quality control.

There's another common slogan that annoys me: "Bears and Hares you can trust." (It's even found painted on the barn's giant silo.) Even sidestepping another subtle message demanding you keep your money funnelled straight into the Head Bean's wallet, what's with the rabbit mention? There are less rabbits here than cats, and that's saying something.

The heavy hand of corporate greed aside, what we like about Boyds Bear Country is the unapologetic pomp of it all. Everywhere you look there's another complicated setpiece with bears dancing or bears camping or bears driving cars. Clark enjoyed the little river where the bears are banned from fishing.

Here's Clark realizing that he will never find his name on any of those "Buy THIS with YOUR NAME!!!" displays.

Those bears (and moose?!? Moose!?! Where are the cats?) flanking us go for over $100 apiece. It made us uncomfortable to be allowed to sit near them.

On the top level, there's a bear nursery where they spend a lot of energy pretending the bears have just been born and want to go home with you. Note the "naughty bear" in the top row giving us his ass end. It was shortly after this that our heads exploded.

After two hours, Clark had seen enough. We're hoping this expression means he has developed the same detached irony that allows his mother and father to enjoy something so patently absurd and cloyingly commercial as Boyds Bear Country.