What the hell kind of desperate hard sell is that? Dude, I already bought the damn DVD. I listened to him for about twenty seconds and then said "You know what I don't need? You." and clicked to the next chapter so the movie could start. I really did say that.

Spirited Away is a critically acclaimed film, has all kinds of awards under its title, including the Japanese Best Picture Oscar-equivalent. Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli are legendary names in the animation industry. But I didn't get this film.

Which is crazy, because I "get" a lot of asinine batshit stuff. I can talk for hours about social structures in the Pokemon universe. I've been emotionally involved with Kingdom Hearts. I'm willing to take some pretty big leaps when something catches my fancy. I was completely unprepared for the idea that something like this would escape me.

I felt like something was happening every fifteen minutes that I wasn't allowed to see. From what I've read about the movie, it was cut down from three hours to two... which is not uncommon at all in film production. But usually, what's left makes sense in and of itself. In Spirited Away, I think they cut out all the answers to the questions they left in, and left in answers to all of the questions they cut out.

I did some research and found a site with a nice thorough synopsis of the movie. I'm going to quote it here and explain what I saw instead. Don't go any further if you wish to avoid spoilers.

Chihiro, a ten-year-old girl, sulks in the back seat of her parents’ car. The family is on its way to a new home in a new town, and Chihiro doesn’t want to move. When her father gets lost taking a short cut, they discover the entrance to an abandoned theme park. The parents investigate and find a deserted stall piled with food. They start eating, and soon, they’re both pigging out. They try to make Chihiro eat, but she has a bad feeling about it and refuses the food. Chihiro wanders away by herself. While she explores, a boy appears and warns her to leave before dark. She runs back to the stall, only to find that her parents have turned into pigs. As night falls, shadowy spirits fill the park, and Chihiro starts becoming transparent. The boy appears again and coaxes her to eat food from the spirit world, which will keep her from disappearing. He then leads her to a busy bathhouse, negotiating her safely through a phalanx of spirits who aren’t happy about having a human among them. After getting her to safety, he gives her detailed instructions on how to get a job in the spirit world, which he says is the only way to survive. He says his name is Haku, and that he has known her since she was very small.

OK, I'm with it so far. The whole parents-in-danger bit is a well-established plot point. The transparency thing is completely forgotten after that scene. This website claims that Haku casts a spell to "keep [her] strength up," which I remember but did not associate with the rule that she has to keep eating. It sounded to me like he was just helping her not be tired.

Chihiro first goes to the boiler man, Kamaji, for a job. Kamaji tells her that the enchanted soot creatures provide him with all the help he needs. As they talk, Chihiro rescues one of the soot creatures. A girl named Lin arrives and is shocked to discover the human everyone is looking for. Impressed with Chihiro’s tenacity and kindness, Kamaji lies and tells Lin that Chihiro is his granddaughter. He bribes Lin to take Chihiro to Yubaba, the witch who runs the bathhouse, to ask for a job. Yubaba initially refuses, but gives in when Chihiro persists. After Chihiro signs a contract for the job, Yubaba steals several of the characters that make up Chihiro’s name, renaming her Sen.

"Impressed"? He's telling her to get lost in one sentence and then fondly naming her as his granddaughter in the next. Kamaji is one of many, many characters who are mean to Chihiro at first and then inexplicably become her friend. It's almost a running gag, except that it doesn't make any sense why they start to like her. It's not like she's a Pollyanna-type character; she's more naive/determined than sweet/charming.

The soot guys are really awesome. They are one of the flourishes that make Spirited Away worth watching.

The next morning, Haku takes Sen to see her pig-parents, who no longer remember they were once human. Sen tries to remember her real name, and almost can’t. Haku warns Sen that he no longer remembers who he used to be and that if she forgets she’ll never be able to get home. Returning to the bathhouse, Sen looks back and sees a white dragon in the air. She knows the dragon is Haku.

On Sen’s first day of work at the bathhouse, she encounters a silent, white-faced spirit called No-Face, for whom she kindly leaves a door open. She also cleans a stink spirit, which turns out to be a polluted river spirit. The river spirit rewards her job well done with a magic herbal cake. No-Face becomes obsessed with getting Sen’s attention. The next day, Sen awakens to find everyone gone, and No-Face, who has gained a voice by eating a frog worker, is causing an uproar by creating gold out of thin air.

Okay, by this point the other characters - particularly Lin - get highly obvious about throwing suspicion on Haku. It is said that he just does Yubaba's dirty work, and the aspersion is cast that maybe he was playing Chihiro so she would become another of Yubaba's staff members. Oddly, Chihiro doesn't seem to ever react to this. She maintains a deep trust of him even though he A) delivered her almost directly into Yubaba's clutches and B) never discusses how they can save her parents. As a viewer, you feel like you're getting set up for a big surprise: that Haku will turn out as a villain... but that never happens, so all of this foreshadowing is simply a ruse.

The stink spirit scene was great... but I had no idea that the turd it left behind was a "magic herbal cake." Would it have killed somebody to say "Wow, Sen, that's a magic herbal cake. What a fortunate gift!" Because I had no idea what it was and therefore couldn't anticipate its use later in the film.

And why is No-Face obsessed with Chihiro? Is that just something he does? Is his appearance - a dark blobby thing with a white mask - a visual reference to something folkloric that Japanese audiences would understand immediately? Like how Kapp'n in Animal Crossing runs a boat. Kapp'n is a direct nod to an ancient myth about a turtle demon (a kappa) who lives in a river. Japanese players catch that ref, but to American audiences he is just a bald turtle man with a rowboat. The difference is that I don't need to know about Kapp'n's ancestral inspiration to enjoy the game, but I would like to understand just what causes No-Face to turn crazy gonuts all over the bathhouse. I thought that No-Face was trying to lure Chihiro close so he could eat her as well. It never even occurred to me that he wanted to thank her for leaving a damn door open. (And why? Because when he gets inside, all he does is trail Chihiro and then start eating people. It's recursive: he wants to thank her for leaving the door open so he could thank her.)

Outside of the bathhouse, Sen sees the white dragon, Haku, being attacked by birds. She opens a door for him and he flies through, followed by the birds, which are made of paper. In agony, Haku flies to Yubaba’s rooms on the upper level. Knowing he’ll bleed to death without help, Sen runs to find him. One of the paper birds hides on her back. As Sen runs through the bathhouse, No-Face sees her and tries to give her gold. She refuses it and runs away. Angered by her refusal, No-Face starts swallowing the staff and causing a panic. Arriving at Yubaba’s quarters, Sen finds Haku unconscious. The paper bird that has been hiding on Sen’s back seems to turn into Yubaba, but actually it’s her twin sister, Zeniba. Zeniba has followed Haku because he stole her gold seal. Disgusted by Boh, Yubaba’s giant baby, Zeniba turns him into a small mouse and turns Yubaba’s pet bird into a fly. Thrashing around, Haku smashes the paper bird, and Zeniba disappears.

The paper bird attack scenes are really great. I also enjoyed the DePalma-esque blood splatters that Haku leaves everywhere.

The twin sister thing comes out of nowhere. Yet another moment that should have been set up earlier in the film but instead we're wasting time with non-essential, ignorable information like the eating/transparent thing. Yubaba and Zeniba are obviously meant to invoke a duality theme (even I got that one), but it is confusing just what the duality is, since both sisters are evil in one scene and good in another. It's more like quadality.

Chihiro accepts the transformation of the baby and the bird without skipping a beat. All of a sudden, they're her new sidekicks, like Meeko and Flit in Disney's Pocohontas. It's weird.

Haku and Sen fall down a dark shaft into the boiler room. Kamaji tells Sen that Haku is bleeding from the inside, so Sen gives Haku part of the herbal cake the river spirit gave her. Haku vomits up the gold seal and a slug, which Sen squashes. Haku turns back to his boy form, but he is still very ill. Sen decides to go to Zeniba in an attempt to convince her to cure Haku. Kamaji gives Sen train tickets to get to Zeniba. On her way to the train, Sen confronts No-Face, who is still terrorizing the bathhouse. She gives him the rest of the herbal cake that she’s been saving for her parents. He begins to vomit and becomes angry at Sen, chasing her through the bathhouse. As he runs he vomits up all the people and things he’s eaten, getting smaller and smaller until he’s back to his normal size and meek demeanor. Sen, the Boh-mouse, the Yubaba-fly, and No-Face leave together for the train. As the group makes its way to Zeniba’s, Haku recovers. He leaves the group and goes back to Yubaba, promising to return Boh to her if Yubaba will send Sen and her parents back to their world.

In the sick Haku scene, Kamaji says that Chihiro's selfless act to save him is because she loves him. Really? Where do we get that idea from, even if we construe it as purely a sibling-type love? When in the movie so far has either character showed anything that would make us believe that? Haku's motivation for helping Chihiro is still a mystery; at this point I guess it could be love but it seems more likely that he's Yubaba's evil toady since we just caught him red-handed stealing from Zeniba. And Chihiro "love" is really just naive trust. Again, it feels like we're not being told the whole story. Like we're watching selected edits from the movie instead of the entire thing.

I would expect Chihiro to save the bathhouse from No-Face, but his actions still make it seem like he's a major character and he's not. Chihiro suspects that being indoors has made him crazy, but what does that mean? Whatever makes him turn into the Incredible Hulk, eating of the turd cures him even better than it cured Haku. Then No-Face tags along on the ride to Zeniba's hut, which is supposed to illustrate how forgiving our Chihiro is, but instead just seems like a stupid decision. Suppose he flips out inside Zeniba's house? He has been reduced to Sidekick #3, right after the transformed mouse and fly duo.

I love how the synopsis says "As the group makes its way to Zeniba’s, Haku recovers," because that's about as dramatic as it happens in the movie. The train ride to Zeniba's swampland is sold as dangerous, and then as soon as they venture off, Haku wakes up and removes any need to risk it (especially with a monstrous bipolar blobfreak in tow).

When Sen arrives at Zeniba’s, she asks Zeniba to forgive Haku for stealing the seal and apologizes for killing the slug. Zeniba explains that Yubaba put the slug in Haku to control him, and that Sen has already healed Haku with her love. Haku arrives in his dragon form, and Sen climbs on his back so he can fly her, the Boh-mouse, and the Yubaba-fly back to the bathhouse. Sen remembers that when she was very young she fell in a river. Instead of allowing her to drown, the river carried her to safety. She had forgotten the river’s name, but now remembers that it was called the Kohaku River. Sen tells Haku she thinks he was the river. Upon hearing his true name, Kohaku River, Haku’s dragon scales fall away and he turns back into his boy shape. They arrive at the bathhouse, and Haku reminds Yubaba she promised to free Sen and her parents. Yubaba says Sen must first identify her parents from a group of pigs. Sen looks over the pigs and declares, correctly, that none of them are her parents. Her contract dissolves and she again becomes Chihiro. Free at last, Chihiro finds her parents, and, as they drive away, Chihiro assures her parents that she can probably handle a new home and school.

And then when they get to the hut, they find that Zeniba - who was last seen trying to kill Haku to get her thingy back, and turned a baby into a mouse - is as sweet as sugar candy. WTF? Maybe this is a Fight Club kind of thing and Yubaba and Zeniba are actually the same person.

The big Haku reveal was another curve ball, although the bit with the scales was really nice. There are some scenes of Chihiro's buried drowning memory previously, but having her come to the conclusion of "Oh! You're a river spirit!" inside of three minutes is just too pat.

When Chihiro beats Yubaba's Kobayashi Maru (Yubaba suddenly acting the villain again) it shows how she has grown in confidence and ability. Earlier, she has a nightmare where she can't identify her parents among the pigs. It would be a nice enough bit of character development if it rang true, but it feels too by-the-numbers. For one thing, we don't see enough of the supposedly immature Chihiro in the first act. She is definitely grumpy and pouty to her parents (pre-pigged) and she is confused and reliant on Haku's questionable advice when she first hits the bathhouse. That's it, and it's not enough to set Chihiro up as the spoiled, unappreciative, lazy brat that the movie's press release thinks she is. As soon as she lands her job, she becomes determined and able. Right away. She vows to return her parents to normal. She single-handedly takes care of the stink spirit. She administers a magical turd without anybody telling her what it is or what it does. She ups No-Face's meds and finds him a home where his sewing skills make him useful(!) If, when she rises above Yubaba's final trick, this is supposed to be a watershed moment, it doesn't play as dramatically as I think the movie would hope because Chihiro just hasn't travelled that far along her path of self-improvement.

John Lasseter says this is Miyazaki's finest film, but then again he works in a cookie cutter factory.

I'm sure I'll watch it again, because there are plenty of bits and pieces that are lots of fun and visually impressive. I just wish I could have seen all of it!