This is the super-secret new controller for the Nintendo Revolution. The main unit is a remote control-shaped device with a plug on the bottom for interchangable controller add-ons. The analog stick add-on shown has a stick and two "shoulder" buttons. The remote itself has an A button on the front, a B button in a trigger position, and some ancillary buttons out of thumb's reach. The A and B buttons appear to be duplicated at the bottom of the controller so you could tilt the whole thing 90 degrees to create an elongated NES controller for all those NES games you're intended to download. You can see wireless connection lights down there too. The remote itself is motion sensitive so you can actually wave it around as a simulated analog stick.

I'll tell you, I'm not going to fall all over myself imagining new uses for this thing. I tired of having to do that every time Nintendo announces something stupid. When the DS was unveiled out of nowhere with the accompanying tech demos, I could see their intent for the device and could easily imagine many more ways the DS's unique feature set could be used... as opposed to the PSP, which really didn't have anything to break it apart from existing games, aside from "better graphics for a handheld." In fact, I have it on good authority that the PSP was engineered solely for racing games anyway. Despite my initial notion that the DS was completely unasked-for and possessed a total mystery of purpose, I could see the touch screen, the mic, the stylus, the wi-fi, the dual screens and imagine what could be.

When I look at this gimp, I'm reminded of all those interactive DVD "games" that showed up right when DVD players first hit it big. How this thing gets used for a new Smash Bros or Zelda or Mario or Animal Crossing is squarely Nintendo's responsibility to delineate. It's beyond me. With four people waving these around for a Smash Bros match, somebody's going to go home with a black eye. And true to form, they did almost none of that in this round of hype. The only thing we have to go on a grand broad statements like "we'll be able to swing the damn thing like a bat for a baseball game, or point it around the room to scroll our onscreen viewpoint."

Let me tell you something you already know. If you have to wave that stick around in the air, your average gameplay session is going to last about 15 minutes before your arm cramps up. I've played enough light gun games on the PS1 and PS2 and enough Donkey Konga to know that physical labor is anathema to the gaming experience. Sure, five year olds love it. Five year olds can stand in front of an EyeToy and dance for hours. I last about five EyeToy games - taking turns with other adults - and then I'm ready to hit up a card game.

If I have to point around the room with my right hand (let's be charitable and assume it just requires constant wrist movement rather than full arm motion) in order to affect a mouselook in Super Mario Revolution... all the while moving Mario on the analog stick on the other end of the tether... well, I'm not so sure that I'm having fun at that point. My wrist is probably in pain and my brain is probably wondering how this is better than a second analog stick.

I don't think the news is all bad. Two things already underscore the readily swallowed notion that this particular controller is simply a wacko peripheral that most "traditional" games won't use anyway. First, Nintendo already announced that your GameCube junk will work on the Revolution... so the current crop of controllers will be hot-swappable, as well as bongos, dance pads, etc. Second, they tempered this crazy remote release with the promise of a more typically controller-shaped shell that would presumably slip around the thin remote and turn it into something more usable. Will that be ungainly? Perhaps... imagine a WaveBird with a DVD remote running through its center.

My theory is that Nintendo will surprise everyone with a bunch of never-before-imagined games that use this bizarro controller. Just like how many DS games can only be done on the DS. And as for everyone else, we'll get a couple token Revolution-specific games from the developers that Nintendo has with their back to the wall, but most will avoid the whole mess and just stick with the standard GameCube controller.

I just don't see why absurd hardware has to be the driving force of innovation. If, as Nintendo suggests, they're trying to grow the video game market with a more non-gamer-friendly input device, why not just make more games with simplified control schemes? Katamari Damacy is a beautifully simple game to control - push the two analog sticks to roll the ball - and yet you play it on the normal 16-button Dual Shock. They've already spiked the punch with mention of graphically modernized versions of old NES classics on the Revolution... so release a special minimalist retro-controller package and retired gamers can come out of the closet to play Balloon Fight 2K6 without having to navigate a new and over-buttoned controller. Nintendo has always been about the games... to the expense of sexiness and M-ratings and third party support... so these claims about this particular hardware reaching into the zeitgeist of a world and bringing in new business just doesn't seem to match up.

Now, instead of the Revolution showing up with amazing games featuring both new and established IP, downloadable classics, and online wi-fi play, Nintendo has to spend uncalculable energy first explaining just what the hell the Revolution is, and how the hell do you play good games with a remote control containing two buttons and a d-pad.

And if nobody shows up for this party... If all these "non-gamers" that Nintendo is trying to woo don't buy into it... If a bunch of goddamn average shmoes end up being indirectly responsible for driving Nintendo out of the video game business... I am going to be super-pissed.

But I haven't played it. I haven't seen any smidge of gameplay for it. Maybe it is incredibly awesome. Maybe it doesn't feel weird to have your controller split into two halves like a ball and chain. Maybe you can manipulate stuff onscreen without your arm muscles turning to jello after one level. Maybe it's fine to have the d-pad on your right hand - sharing your thumb with the A button - after twenty years of it being on the left.

We had a Magnavox Odyssey 2 when I was a kid. Like most other video game consoles of the day, the controllers had a big phallic joystick and a single action button. When I first saw the NES, I couldn't believe the joystick was gone. It felt like a step backward. How in the heck are you going to move your guy with only a N-E-W-S selection of buttons? And TWO action buttons? How will I keep track of which is which while I'm playing?

So maybe it's like that.