I had the best time today.
Around 11am, the doorbell rings. This is unusual; we rarely have unannounced visitors so a knock this early probably means a kid selling candy, a teen working on his Spring Break vacation fund by selling magazine subscriptions (yeah, right, like I give a nut about some pre-frat jock's need to party in Aruba) or maybe, if we're lucky, a neighbor dropping off a plate of extra peaches. I check the peephole and see two gentlemen in suits. I have a suspicion what they want. Through the magical happenstance of having Clark, I'm already awake, showered and presentable, so I open the door.
We exchange hellos. They introduce themselves, Wayne and Orlando. I ask what I can do. Wayne says "Would you like to live in a world of hope?"
Oh yes.
He pulls out a Bible and reads something; I forget what. I tell him I don't think this is appropriate. He asks why I feel that way and I tell him it's because I'm an atheist.
Now, you might think he would pull up stakes and the pair would venture off. But ol' Wayne wanted to entertain a serious discussion. Maybe he gets double points for recruiting a declared atheist.
His first tact is to blame my parents for my (lack of) beliefs. He says that often people who feel as I do have been raised without exposure to a religious message, and they simply believe as they have been told. I inform him that, no, they are not atheists but they're not particularly religious either. I further pointed out that I found it interesting that he said that, because Christianity's basic method of propagation is via brainwashing children at an early age. Start with coloring books, move into fear and threats, pow, believers for life. He chuckled. He did that a lot.
He asked what had happened in my life to make me an atheist. Although now that I think about it, I'm not sure he actually used the word "atheist." He probably said something like "your beliefs" or "your viewpoint." I said that the complete lack of proof in crazy supernatural goings-on was what happened. Then he started talking about the proof all around us and I swear to you that I started shaking because I was so thrilled he was going to go that way. It's more fun when they make it easy.
He said that there's a reason that his heart wasn't in his foot, for example, while mine was in my chest. A reason why cats don't give birth to dogs. I told him, yes there was, biology and nature. Millions of years of evolution. He asked if I have any children. I said yes, proudly, hoping he would infer my intent to raise Clark atheist. He started talking about how it must have felt to watch him being born, and how there must be a plan to it all to enable something so wonderful to occur.
I could have launched into an infertility and adoption dialogue here. I considered it. But I thought it would distract from the big point I wanted to make, take us off onto a tangent. And anyway, if I started to demand why "God" had chosen to make us unable to conceive while teen crackwhores across the country get knocked up every nine months, it just might have led to him suggesting that infertility was a punishment for being a non-believer. Or he would have claimed that it was "sent" as a "challenge" that "He" knew we could handle. The former would have exposed him as a typically insensitive, my-way-or-no-way religious hardliner. Falwell-style. However, I suspect he would have gone with the latter, because he's on a sales call... he's selling Feelgood Religion, the brand that most people use. No need for hard questions and tough answers; just show up on Sunday for your weekly reminder of why your clique is correct and everyone else is wrong and screwing things up / don't worry - Heaven is coming / pass the collection plate / see you next week / try not to think too much.
So I sidestepped that and said "Oh, so we're going to bring up Intelligent Design!" He chuckled.
I launched into the logical attack on Intelligent Design: if the world is so complex that it couldn't possibly have come about without being purposefully cerated by a designer, than wouldn't the designer be infinitely more complicated and therefore also demand the intervention of another designer?
He said that you could take that line of reasoning up forever and forever. I said, yes, you can, that's the point. You're selling fantasy. There has never been and never will be any proof of an afterlife, a creator, or any of the junk you're pushing. We went through several more examples along the lines of human birth again, each time him attempting to assert that God was behind everything. Natural laws, mankind walking on the moon, etc. I again suggested that nature was the product of evolution and that the other examples were man's own scientific progress.
At one point he quoted the Bible again, trying to point out the good messages in it. I said that this is the same book that expects us to lock up women and have no contact with them during the week they menstruate. To his credit, he knew what I was talking about. Most people I play that card on have no idea that something so absurd is in the Bible; it's simply not the kind of thing that gets put on a greeting card. He maintained that there was a very good reason for that, because of cleanliness. I pointed out that you can't take that literally, locking up women - what kind of misogyny are you trying to teach? And if you can't take that literally, why should you take any of it literally?
During this part of the discussion, he absolutely refused to say the word "menstruate." I picked up on this rather quickly, so I then said it as many times as I could. When he again referred to menstruation as "the unwell time" or something hopelessly archaic like that, I interrupted him and asked "you mean menstruation?" Haw.
We also entertained a brief interlude about an afterlife, and how it is utter nonsense specifically aimed at attracting the disenfranchised and the poor into organized religion... and basically anyone who is afraid to die. I accused him of giving false promises and taking advantage of people. I stated that mankind no longer needs this crutch... some people with nowhere else to turn may still require it just to keep from blowing their own heads off, but intelligent, thinking human beings do not need this fantasy of lies any longer.
By now, he has yet to win a single point, other than the only talking point that Christians can ever win: that it's all a matter of faith. And of course, that point means nothing in a logical argument when tough questions aren't getting even remotely answered. So the soft sell began: he tells me he can understand why I feel the way I do, with so much evil and confusion in the world.
I guess at that comment I'm supposed to fall to the ground weeping "You're right! You're right! I've been searching for that answer! What can I do to help!" Instead I said, "Yeah, your god isn't doing that great a job." He goes on to discuss how there are two opposing forces in the world, God and Satan. He cited the case of a 12 year old child who threw a 5 year old child into a fire and asked if I thought that could possibly have happened without Satan's influence. Surely I don't believe one human being could do that to another, particularly children. I said, sure I could. Some kids are raised in terrible conditions, some parents shouldn't have kids, some kids are born with mental problems.
This is pure gold. A crystallizing moment. Because this is where devout Christians expose themselves for being completely batshit insane. Because Wayne proceeded to tell me about the demons at work on Earth, sowing evil deeds wherever they roam. This particular style of thought flabbergasts me. Believing in demons is one small step away from believing in unicorns and I told him that. I said "Demons on Earth? Do you hear yourself talk? That is absolutely crazy." He says that Satan's agents want me to believe that, because if I don't believe in demons than Satan can work that much more efficiently. I asked him if he thought I had demons in my house telling me to think this way. He chuckled.
After that, he said something about faith again and the two men excused themselves. The second guy said nothing during the entire discussion. I didn't mention this yet, but Wayne was blind, so Orlando seemed to be there as both backup and guide. I wonder what Wayne would have said if I would have inquired about that, how does he feel about God making him blind. Well, I don't have to wonder, I can easily imagine he would have brushed it off with more crap about faith and challenges and inspiration and tragedy-into-triumph and his mission in life. More meaningless Feelgood Religion.
I would have stood there for hours had Wayne not terminated the visit. Maybe he had run out of empty promises and vague questions to ask. I regret not finding out what particular flavor he was pushing... he never said the word "Jesus" and the only overtly cultist thing was the whole demons-on-Earth bit. I don't even know if he was pimping a local church or was just bussed in to encouragement church attendance in general. I do know that solicitation is banned in our development, but shutting down every one of his weak-kneed please-don't-inquire-further arguments was more fun than threatening a call to the borough or just slamming the door in his face.
"A reason why cats don't give birth to dogs." That was a huge pick-me-up this morning. I could probably enjoy similar doorstep visitations every Saturday morning. Send your best guys; I have a lot more I want to discuss.
