Periodically I check out the fourhman.com saved search data that Movable Type tracks. This is the hilarious junk that people type into the search box at the bottom of the main page. Most of the time it's perfectly sensible search strings - I get a lot of Pokemon vocabulary, for example - but often it is just absurd nonsense. I can blame a bunch of barely-functioning search engines for misleading people to fourhman.com... there are still portal sites out there linking to me for content that disappeared over five years ago. Duke Nukem maps, for example. The internet is still living the legacy of those crazy days when Yahoo's stock smashed through the ceiling and inspired every moron out there to register his own search portal site, most of them stealing their database from somebody else.
So anyway, before I blow out the data, here's some real live search terms I particularly enjoyed.
"Jetboat" - Don't I wish.
"Phillip Jeffries" - This is a cool one. The only Phillip Jeffries I know is the enigmatic FBI agent played by David Bowie in the Twin Peaks movie, something I don't believe I've ever commented on. Considering the bizarre nature of the character, it's pretty cool that his name would mysteriously appear in my MT data.
"garbage pail kids buddy icons" - Really?
"how to heal bee stings in Animal Crossing" - Yeah, they're nasty. I hope this guy is healthy now, since my site couldn't help him.
"EMINEM" - I think I busted on him once. And now his career is gone. Coincedence?
"dragon ball z porno mag" - Buddy, if I had one of these, I sure as hell wouldn't let you borrow it.
"super robot monkey team hyper force go" - I'm just impressed they got the title exactly right.
"DOOM GAME MANUALS" - I see this a lot too. You see, somebody just got done downloading an illegal version of Game X, and then realized he didn't get the game manual! Damn! Now how will he know which button pushes the crates?
"kairi nude" - Aw, dude. She's like, 13.
"Luigi swearing" - Swearing to uphold Nintendo's NDA on Revolution specs and details, I guess.
"Ernest goes to camp" - I actually think this one was a plant from the guys at work.
"vice city nude patch" - This guy is probably beside himself with joy now that Hot Coffee came out. Or tissues.
"resident evil outbreak" - Hopefully this searcher was able to get some info on this game here at fourhman.com. That info being that the game sucked.
"spllintercellcostmuesforkidsandsplintercellgunsforkids" - I call this one "The Essence of What's Wrong with America."
And then there's a sub-group of searchers called the Clarifiers. When they fail to pull up any meaningful hits, they re-search with a subtle correction:
"usha yeah" - What?
"usha yeah the song" - OOOOH. No.
"how to open the Eight GYM in pictures"
"how to open the door to the Eight GYM in pictures"
"how to open the door to the Eight GYM on pokemon sapphire version in pictures"
"gta vain city" - Vanity is a vice, so you're very close.
"gta vain city mac osx" - Well, that explains why you don't know the game's title: You're a Mac user and therefore have never heard of "games" before.
"gta vain city mac" - But you will take a System Seven version, if available.
"yosemite sam in asaloon" - NO MATCH; DOES NOT COMPUTE.
"yosemite sam in a saloon" - PLEASE WATCH "LOONATICS," COMING THIS FALL TO KIDS' WB.
"how to hack" - Well, of course, I can help you out, I'm quite the hacker...
"how to hack cartoon orbit" - Oooh, actually, yeah, I can't hack that one. Sorry.
"Kingdomhearts soun trak songs"
"Kingdomhearts Theme song"
"Kingdom hearts" - This guy is in secret a Reverse Clarifier.
"THE BRAVE LITTLE TOATSER" - That reminds me of an animated movie I really liked.
"THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASER" - That one too.
