"Grand Theft Auto. Pfft. Have you heard, kids can do something in that game that shows all kinds of pornographic content."

At that point, I wanted to jump in and ask for his definition of "kids" and "all kinds." I mean, "kids" to him could have meant "college kids" or even "teens", but I doubt it... the wife was already shaking her head in that frustrated disapproval common to these sorts of conversations. This is exactly how the Hot Coffee thing is getting parsed by well-meaning, confused parents. It's another black eye for Rockstar, another black eye for video games in general.

Here's what we know about Hot Coffee. The name comes from the mod file posted online (by hackers, for lack of a better term) that unlocks a sex-based minigame in the PC version of GTA: San Andreas. Now that the hackers have done all the heavy lifting, the Hot Coffee mod is easy to install. In game terms, Hot Coffee changes the dating sub-missions so that you actually get to go inside the house after a date. Prior to Hot Coffee, a good date (after three or so getting-to-know-you dates) ends with a shot of the girl's house and some suggestive audio and text. Yes, they're having sex inside. In an M-rated video game. I know, it's shocking.

With Hot Coffee enabled, you get to see the bedroom... with CJ and his girl on a mattress. CJ fully clothed; the girl more or less clothed, undies at the least (unless you have a nude code enabled, which is another aftermarket mod.) So no nudity deeper than a bathing suit and no genitalia at all. I don't even think the various nude codes get genitals to appear, they just change the characters clothing to fleshtone colors. There are several positions you can cycle through, and you can rotate the camera. The "game" part of it requires you to keep a steady left-right rhythm while you fill an Excitement meter.

Before we go any further, if you haven't played the game, note that we're not talking photorealistic graphics here. The GTA games are not particularly impressive in that regard. So the sex you're seeing isn't what you're imagining.

The guys that created the Hot Coffee mod pulled it out of the PC version, which just came out last month. This sort of thing is easy for tech-heads and has been going on forever, because computer software is easily poked through if you have the right tools. In college, I used ResEdit on almost every piece of early Mac software I had, including the System file. I remember finding the semi-hidden Woz and Jobs icons, and replacing graphics files with my own images so I could make my own games.

However, Hot Coffee doesn't add anything to San Andreas, it uncovers something that was already in there. Something that there is no way to find in the game au natural. It looks like Rockstar originally intended it to be the reward for all those crappy dating missions, chickened out and blocked it off, but failed to physically remove the data. When first confronted with the sex minigame's presence by the media, they tried to doubletalk their way out of it and blamed the hackers wholesale. But then somebody found it in the PS2 version...

Getting it to show up there is considerably trickier, since the closed nature of the PS2 platform means you can't load a simple Hot Coffee mod. You need an Action Replay Max (one of those obnoxious cheater boxes I've often railed against) and an unfathomable string of text codes to enter. Additionally, if you enable this code on your PS2 game, the game reportedly locks up after the sex game is over, so it's not something you would want to do unless you don't mind screwing up your save file.

Now back to my concerned and easily excitable parent at the mall. Is he weighing the fact that GTA is rated M and therefore shouldn't be in the hands of minors anyway? Is he considering that the game's rating warns of "strong sexual themes" on the back of the box? Has he seen the supposed "all kinds of pornographic content" and realized that it comes down to two blocky, low-poly figures in three repetitive sexual positions, only differentiated from your average late night TV programming in that there's no dramatic lighting to shade out the naughty bits? Naughty bits that are fully covered to begin with?

No, he's not and he hasn't. He probably half-heard a blurb on FOX News or read a paragraph in the local paper. Even if the article was thoroughly researched and well-presented - and I would bet it all that it wasn't - the message he received was "Grand Theft Auto lets kids see porn." Which, in his brain, became "a video game could let my kid see the kind of porn I look at online at 2am." Which, of course, it doesn't. Even digital porn created with a My First Poser lessonbook is more visually detailed than the Hot Coffee mod.

The "porn" present in San Andreas - porn that Rockstar never intended to be seen - amounts to less nudity than you get with Benny Hill, less action than you get in afternoon soaps, and less eye candy than you get on HBO.

Blame: Rockstar should have pulled this code out before the final press, unless they were secretly hoping it would leak out and start another round of free press for them. Which sounds irresponsible, but this sort of thing is actually a valid way to advance the public perception of video games, if we could just get the damn press to stop couching every damn article as if video games are made solely for kids. As gamers and game developers, we're ready and willing to have this discussion... it's just that often no one else is around to hear it. Or, Rockstar could left it in the actual game and tried for the sales-crushing AO (Adults Only) rating. That would have ticked off the stockholders, but I personally would have loved to see the sex minigame pop up after a dating mission. I would have found it hilarious, and it's precisely the kind of unexpected gameplay shock that oozes throughout the GTA games. And, after a couple dates, it would have gotten completely boring.

Blame: The media continues to only care about stories that can get people riled up. If it can be sensationalized into an eye-grabbing headline, they will do it. Since a detailed and moderated discussion on video games is bound to be boring, all the media weight goes behind self-styled do-gooders like Jack Thompson and Hillary Clinton, because loud complaining and posturing makes for a better sound bite. Ironically, broadcasters ought to be the first ones stepping to explain the rights and privileges of the art form known as video games... because if video games lose the battle of free speech, television is next. The usual "real world" argument levied against M-rated video games is that kids get them anyway (despite the ESRB warnings, despite good parenting) and that's why they should be stopped. If that small-minded platform wins, then what's to stop the same group from attacking sexual/violent content on television? Sure, the sexy stuff doesn't run before 9pm, but kids are watching it anyway. Then what's to protect film, books, music or internet? All we will have left is a state-controlled entertainment factory in the hands of the banal cabal.

My feeling is, you should be able to sell whatever entertainment you want as long as the contents are easily defined from the outset. If you want to do a side scrolling shooter with homosexual themes (and yes, someone did), go right ahead. Just mark it as such on the box and let the market decide how much money it makes. Add to that: and as long as the products are differentiated on the store shelf. Retailers want the warnings so they can be better informed on how to display the products... Borders doesn't stock Penthouse right beside Home and Garden, and your cable station doesn't give you Cinemax unless you specifically pay extra for it. Retailers really do want parents to be informed, because they A) don't want the trouble of being accused smut peddlers and B) they want the money from the adults who do want to buy smut. And nothing is as hypocritical as a Wal-Mart boasting about not selling M games when a rack of R movies is right across the aisle.

GTA's M rating and the "strong sexual themes" coda more than covers the sex minigame in my book... and the minigame can't even be found without plenty of ridiculous outside tinkering. This is a game for adults. If adults want R rated movies and albums with explicit lyrics, adults should be able to get M rated video games. And if adults can get those movies and music at Target, they should be able to get those video games at Target as well. Rockstar probably ought to work up an AO version of San Andreas and watch even more money pour in.