But then I run across the truly blatant offenders and I wonder why I ever worried about my stuff. The story begins - as so many do - on eBay...

Owing to my recent TaleSpin cultural rennaissance, I've been all over eBay looking for old licensed junk. So far, I've scored a Disney "12 Months of Magic" TaleSpin pin, a box of the die-cast metal McDonald's TaleSpin Happy Meal toys, and another partial set of the Kellogg's TaleSpin PVC figures. (I was unhappily outbid on a plush Baloo and - more importantly - a plush Don Karnage.) Amid all the VHS tapes and Genesis games, I saw an auction for a (nearly) complete TaleSpin DVD set.

There is no DVD set. Disney never released these shows on DVD, and they likely never will. So any DVDs on eBay must be over-the-air dubs, completely unofficial and low-fi... no matter how many times the auction description uses the words "official" and "broadcast quality." Nevertheless, I've been watching out for them, because, you know, who gives a fuck. I'd like to have all 65 episodes on hand, and if some jerk dubs and burns them, it's all coming out of Eisner's bottom line anyway. And who cares about him.

I notice one DVD set for around $90 and another for $30. Figuring that they're both going to be sucky Toon Disney recordings anyway, I bid on the $30 one. I am quickly outbid. Feh. But then I get this email (preserved in its entirety):

Dear stocdred,

YOu really do more research before you bid on this thing dude - I have the only real Talespin set, it's on 13 DVDs and goes up tomorrow night. This guy's set is on only 5 DVDs...that = low quality, despite that he claims they are a 9 out of ten. MINE are a literal perfect 10/10 - you could not tell the difference between it and digital broadcast TV. I guarantee you he cannot say the same. My feedback speaks for itself. YES, mine is definitely more, but the quality is more than worth it. This guy has just basically shrunk down what I did meaning that his eps have lower bitrate encoding and that equals significantly reduced picture quality. PLUS - I also guarantee you that you've never seen better menus on any DVD you've ever seen than what you would see if you saw mine. Just wanted to educate you with this info - do with it what you will. ~!Ryan

Thank you,
agassi2000atp

I'm not sure that kicking off your email with a vague insult is the way to go in rustling up auction business. I also question the comparison to digital broadcast TV. I suppose he could be upsampling it, but that's always a smokescreen when the original source is totally analog. And then there's the line about "you've never seen better menus." I don't know, but I do some pretty nifty TaleSpin-related design work myself.

But what astonishes me the most is how illegal this all is. This choad (several choads, it seems) is trying really hard to rape fans with his fan-dubs, and I can't believe how obvious he's being about it. There's a progression of fault here:

DANGER LEVEL (from 1 to 10)
5: Dubbing off TaleSpin episodes and selling them on eBay.
7: Claiming that the fee is for the physical DVD media, not for the content, because charging for the shows themselves would be illegal. They really do say this!
13: Actively pursuing potential bidders and boasting about the quality of your production.
38: Explaining exactly how you burned the shows while you denigrate other illegal DVD rippers.
500: Running a dedicated website (with custom URL) to sell such DVDs, encompassing the products of multiple companies.

A couple days later, I get another email from another seller. Remember, I'm still not the top bidder on the auction. I am so not making this up, not even the Thundercats ref at the end:

Dear stocdred,

hi, you are GETTING RIPPED OFF ! on that Talesping dvd set, its NOT complete he says 64 !! because i got the same set from this seller such a ripoff real peace of crap that i emailed him back and asked for my money back, he wouldnt give it to me the episodes are so poor you cant even see anything !. there is a MUCH better set COMPLETE AT ALL 65 EPISODES ! with full menus, from this site where i got my talepsin set AND ITS MUCH CHEAPER plus the Thundercats www.TransformersCDs.com/ENTER --Linda

Thank you,
lovekids69

Holy Zan-in-a-bucket, I've stumbled into a DVD ripper's online business war! One point in "Linda"'s favor: this set does include all 65 episodes, including one that Disney stopped running because it contains a vague terrorist theme. (The Thembrians put a bomb on a plane, or something.)

Again. I live every day in fear that I'm going to get a cease-and-desist over my completely free, completely honorable TaleSpin card game, and these techo-pirates are aggressively pushing their junk onto any email that will have them. Suppose I was a Hyper Robot Disney Lawyer Force Team Go in disguise? Amazing chutzpah.

That said, all 65 episodes is looking pretty sweet.