20 years later, they finally deliver on that impossible promise... making a toy that looks like both halves of the cartoon, truck and robot. First of all, this bitch is huge: standing 12" tall in robot mode. He's as poseable as an action figure, yet hides one of the most complicated transforming processes I've ever attempted. And none of that pop-off-the-hands bullshit either.

I never had the original Optimus Prime. I had the Go-Bots equivalent, Staks. Staks was orange, and had a similar but drastically simplified transformation. The windshield became his head; I guess they were his eyes. The exhaust pipes popped off the back of the cab and became guns of some sort. Staks sucked.

This guy is crazy with details. Moving air vents in his legs, working "pneumatic" pipes in the elbow and ankle joints, light-piped eyes, comm screens in both arms. His head is in the proper size for his body. And you know how Optimus's chest pretty much becomes the front of the cab? Well, that was too simple for this toy: the grill you see on his abdomen in robot mode actually folds away to make room for a second grill that unfolds from his chest. See, crazy!

Toys R Us, with their usual sense of worldly abandon, had him for $80. The Hasbro website says $70. Local Wal-Mart had it for $64. Mine! I spent the entire car ride home figuring out the transformation.

This morning I walk into the kitchen on my way out the door for work, and I see this:

With a note that says:

Reporter: Mr. Prime, how do you feel since your Swan makeover?
Optimus: I feel pretty!

In case you can't tell from the picture, the Leader of the Autobots is wearing a frilly neck ruffle and a fetching new dress. His hands are covering his face because he can't believe how great he looks.

This is why my wife is late for work in the mornings.