And it's not like this is Nintendo's first attempt at a big-scale Pokemon game. They had two in the N64 Stadium series (three in Japan), and the problems of those games were obvious. Although they sold well, I can't recall a single glowing review. The audio was lousy, the battles were uncompelling, the gameplay was repetitious. Each time, Poke-fans figured "They'll fix it and make the next one so much better."

Nintendo did not. They made it worse. By ignoring the failings of the Stadiums, and providing an entirely bonus-free Colosseum, they have turned the game into probably the third most painful game in the franchise. (Right behind Hey You Pikachu and Pokemon Channel.)

See, we all thought Colosseum was going to kick complete ass... because it will have an RPG mode. We repeated this mantra in our sleep. We could not wait to explore a new Poke-continent. We assumed too much.

We assumed that a GameCube Pokemon RPG would approximate the depth and detail of our cherished Game Boy versions. It does not. Colosseum's RPG mode is nothing more than a longer battle mode. Walk, battle. Open door, battle. Navigate maze, battle. It's linear, it's boring, it's almost entirely outside your control. Your involvement is reduced to choosing which pokemon to fight with. No contest halls. No berry growing. No secret base. No badge collecting. You can't even catch wild pokemon.

The only intriguing bit is the whole Shadow Pokemon / Snag deal. Meaning that you can steal corrupted pokemon from evil trainers, an impossibility in the GB games. That's the only new mechanic in an otherwise endless series of battles.

Even more astonishing, Colosseum has no extras! No school mode, no GB player mode, no daily free downloads. Not even the happy little mini-party-game... all stuff found in the Stadium series. The only extras in Colosseum are more battle modes. Good gravy crap it pisses me off.

Technically, the effects and attacks look great. Rarely amazing, but mostly great. Of course, pokemon still don't ever touch each other during battles, the audio blows, and there's no continuity from one animation to the next. For example, you attack a Staryu... it will animate taking the hit, but if you have knocked it out, the screen will fade to black and come up on the dying animation. It never flows directly from one animation to the next. Every battle has this disjointed sense to it, making the "modular" animation approach obvious.

Trainers are now on the field, but they never move. Except when you defeat one, then he/she will cut from his looping stance to his loser animation and then cut right back again when the camera angle changes! Same with the ball-tossing scenes. Your trainer will animate throwing a poke ball, then the game cuts to the ball's airborne arc... except that the arc is coming from nowhere near your character. It's awkward and amateurish.

When a pokemon uses Rain Dance, you get a nice storm sequence. Which instantly stops, only to be repeated during the "It's raining" announcement between turns. NO. When a pokemon makes it rain, you should freaking have it rain throughout until the effect ends. And while we're on a water discussion, why must the underwater types all float? Throw a damn wading pool out there, so we don't have to see all the fishes flying in mid-air. Yet another mistake from Stadium that was not addressed.

If you're going to make a full-on 3D Pokemon game, you need to do it right. Colosseum is half-assed and empty from start to finish. I just don't know why Nintendo bothered.

But I'm sure the next one will be so much better.

Back in Sapphire, I've found a new problem: Horsea. To get a Horsea to evolve from Seadra to Kingdra, you need a Dragon Scale. Those are only found attached to wild Horseas (and Bagons). I have captured over 40 Horseas and not one of them has been holding a Dragon Scale. Not one.

Time: 152:32
Badges: 8
Pokedex: 190
Party: Metagross lv69, Tropius lv29, Razorbeak (Swellow) lv64, Feebas lv20, Golduck lv55, Ninetails lv44