Let's be honest here. No matter who you are or what you do, eventually all of these great shenanigans will come to an end and you will be stiffer and colder than all those folks who were part of Perry's expedition to the South Pole in 1912. Seriously, from what I've read those guys brought horses or mules or some other poorly equipped mammal to handle the trek across Antarctica. Big surprise they died, isn't it? And guess what? The only people who care about them now are historians who laugh at their comic demise. Just like historians are going to laugh someday at us. But don't fear! Turn those laughs into the smiles of a well adjusted non-caring adult. How do you ask? Well, do you have the courage to read on? Well do you?
Last week I played a collegue at work in a game of chess. Too bad for her, she's really quite lousy. Now just like my first date with Megan DeSmedt when I played Scrabble and didn't pull out all the cheap words I know, I tried to play nice with this gal. But she wouldn't have any of it. After her third defeat she stormed off in a fit of rage and actually threw a knight across the room. Was that necessary? Do you really care if you win or lose that badly? Please, please just relax. Don't know how? Well lucky for you I have lots of spare time today to write this fine fine blurb.
If you ever took a psychology class or have managed to read an actual book with something of educational value to it, you might have figured out that your ego is basically what makes you feel good about your pitiful life. This ego helps to build self-esteem and provides a glowing feeling when you win a Magic game in the second turn with some lame ass banned combo. Nevertheless, without this ego you might feel life is worthless, pointless, and essentially a big waste of time. To which I reply, of course it is. Which is why I urge you to abandon hope for future_ plans and simply laugh at the world as it rolls on by. Because it is a hilarious world. Let me show you the ways you are not important and be liberated!
1. The current job I hold required an interview, like most jobs in my governmentally regulated field. Interestingly enough, my fly was down during said interview. Did it matter? Nope. Does my ego care? Nope. Should you care? I certainly hope not. But, if I can earn a job with a minimum of effort, and an open window in the groin region, why should you care about your dumb ass occupation? If we were all fired tomorrow, would the Earth stop turning? Do you seriously think you are that important or necessary for whatever little world you've strapped yourself into to function? We could all be canned this week and gumdrops could do the jobs we do. (with less pay and no benefits either). Or you could look at it this way: someday our atmosphere will become so thin that all our water vapor will escape into space and then what good will that Master's Degree do you?
Lesson: Your job is not important and what you do there is meaningless.
2. If you believe in a religion, you can just stop right there. From what I have read of the ficitional texts of major religions, they are full of loopholes, paradoxes, and stories about God killing cows. How can supposedly intelligent people devote their lives to such mysticism? Do you really think you're important enough for even your town mayor to notice, let alone for some imaginary superbeing? Please. Nobody's listening my friend.
Lesson: Religion is for wimps.
3. If you are married, look at who you are married to. If you are not, look at that naked person in National Geographic. Do you seriously believe that spouse or that naked person in National Geographic was made especialy for you? Come on, you know the answer! If you were born in Papua New Guinea, what would you be doing right now? (Hint: not reading this or looking at that magazine or spouse)
Lesson: You may think you have control, but you don't. (especially when you join the Air Force)
4. Remember Megan DeSmedt of the first date? Well, during that very same date we were at a playground swinging or jumping around on some equipment or something like that when she farted. Loudly. And did I care? Of course not. I propose that if everybody passed gas and belched and scratched themselves on first dates the divorce rate in this country would be a lot lower. Think about it.
Lesson: Why are you trying so hard to make a good impression?
If this came across as heavy handed or sermon-like, I humbly ask a hundred forgivenesses. But in the name of Joe who had to beg to pass physics junior year, lighten up chess gal. It's a funny and terminal world. Accept it and move on.
