October 2002 Archives

Last night I had the coolest experience yet in Kingdom Hearts. Donald, Goofy and I have stumbled into the Heartless-ified Riku boss fight. By this point in the game, Donald and Goofy are pretty friggin' awesome fighters, so I like letting them distract the enemies while I fool around with magic. In a three-on-one boss fight like this, it's especially to my advantage.

So the three of us beat on Riku for a bit, and then I decide to summon Genie to really soften Riku up. Genie fires off a couple of Showtime attacks on Riku while I keep my distance. When Genie's time runs out, I realize I'm almost out of MP, so I summon Bambi. Bambi and I keep away from Riku while Bambi drops a bunch of MP-up balls for me, so soon I'm fully charged again. I dismiss Bambi and summon Tinker Bell. Tink is a terrific summon, because she doesn't forcibly eject Donald and Goofy like the other summons... so D&G return and the four of us do the Riku Stomp.

That whole progression of Disney headliners is precisely what I wanted from Kingdom Hearts. It may take a while to get going, but KH delivers... I feel like this one is going to generate a whopper of a review.

So what is Riku's deal? I'm following the plot very carefully, and he just seems like an easily manipulated, cocky dope. Yes, I'm sure Kairi's health is utmost in his mind, but why the constant avoidance of Sora? If Riku would let Sora talk during all these brief encounters, they could both work towards saving Kairi's heart. It's obvious that Maleficent is stringing him along - I think even Riku suspects - but her team isn't even *hiding* the fact that they're evil anymore. In one of the last cutscenes I saw last night, Mysterious Hooded Figure outright tells Riku to embrace the darkness so his heart can grow stronger. Riku, you're buying this? It doesn't occur to you to embrace the lightness and hang out with silly anthropomorphic animals like Sora?

There's a strong brotherly rivalry between Sora and Riku; that much is made obvious during the flashbacks and the too-long preliminary Destiny Islands level. So I get that both boys are headstrong, and that both have a thing for Kairi. But I never got that Riku was stupid. If anything, Sora is the dumb one. So it's kind of a regular disappointment when Riku shows up and the two immediately begin posturing rather than talking... especially since Riku seems to have Plan Zero for saving Kairi, other than "embracing the darkness."

So far, my experience with the Hiptop has been pretty glowing. But it definitely has room for improvement. Hell, I'm on the first public release of hardware/software, so you have to expect some weird little bugs. Thankfully, I haven't had anything that stops service or breaks the thing, like some users at dangerinfo.com are reporting.

There's some sound trouble. Whenever you do anything that trips the speaker, it makes lots of little electronic non-sounds... pops and squeals and other electronic burbles. I've had some interesting connection disruptions, but you can lay those at the feet of spotty wireless service. And I worry about the flip screen. I feel like every time I flip it, I'm counting one flip off the thing's Count of Flips Per Lifetime, eventually leading towards that final flip that won't flip back.

It will be very interesting to see how Danger upgrades the software as we go. Like, adding some decent games to the abysmal Arcade (Maybe some multiplayer games? Even something as simple as Chess?) New apps for the Jump menu. Stronger revisions to the AIM, e-mail, and camera software. Java support for the browser. How about a file managing ability, so you could interact with your saved files in other ways... use the usb port to send them to your home computer. FTP them to your webserver. (Please, please, please.)

I wonder where the camera weakness truly lies. Is it a memory/software issue? If so than a better camera app could fix it, or beefier memory cards. Is it an issue with the camera plug-in? Then a new physical attachment could snap pics of higher resolution or pixel size. Either way, I hope it's on Danger's To Do list.

The biggest demon in the bushes is the upcoming 15MB/month bandwidth limit. Although the current contracts all specify "Unlimited Internet," some mean-spirited fine print declares that in one year, Unlimited becomes 15MB/month. The weird thing is, the Hiptop is always online, exchanging tiny packets with the T-Mobile servers. And they are really promoting AOL Instant Messenger use, which also is in a state of constant data exchange. So even if you don't web browse or send e-mail, you'll still be using up precious bandwidth. I've been trying to meter how many MB I average, just to see if I'll be in trouble.

Plus other companies are adding unlimited internet to their wireless PDA options, so it remains to be seen if T-Mobile will stay true to the planned course. I hope not. Right now, it's insanely affordable for the combined cell phone/unlimited internet service.

[LIVE from Northgate Plaza parking lot] My car returned from its inspection with a gift: a tape deck. I can thank my sister's old car for donating it and my father for installing it.

My "new" radio, the view from the parking lot, and the T-Mobile store across the street where I bought the First Hiptop Sold in York County.

I usually don't listen to music while driving. I can't stand the radio because I hate having to flip around and still only find crap. Plus I consider DJs amongst the lowest forms of life. I have no respect for a profession where you can fit the job description inside the instrumental break of Todd Rundgren's "Bang My Drum All Day." But having a tape deck will change all that. I've already dug up all my old college-era tapes... So here's the ancient music you can expect to find blasting from my Sundance right now.

• Several They Might Be Giants compilation tapes
• An interesting mix: Side 1 is Violent Femmes and Side 2 is Sophie B. Hawkins
• Stay Awake, the uber-rare Disney modern remix album
• Brave Little Toaster soundtrack, dubbed directly from a VHS recording. Most of the songs are on Side 2
• A mix tape in honor of a road trip through Canada, NY and CT. Called "Why Would You Terror a Shivan Dragon" because we played a lot of Magic on that trip.
• An old mix tape of Mike's that I copied, entitled "Ernest's Magic Chicken and Spaghetti." The reference is lost on me.

By the way, I reserved a copy of GTA Vice City today. Probably pointless to do so, since Toys R Us always seems to stock hundreds of copies, but what the hell. In store on Halloween, which means it's going to be fighting with the big Animal Crossing Halloween celebration for dominance in my household.

I'm probably coming from an unusual perspective on the Danger Hiptop (or T-Mobile Sidekick, depending on your branding preference.) I've never owned a PDA of any type; I've never used calendar software on any platform. Heck, I've never even owned a cell phone. But when I first heard about the Hiptop, I knew it was the gadget I've been holding out for. The Hiptop broke my PDA cherry, you could say.

Everything I read says that it's being marketed towards young folk... which I find odd since I've seen zero advertising from T-Mobile for it, for teens or otherwise. It's not a PocketPC. It's not a high-end all-in-one PDA from the gods by any means. It's a PocketPC that's been whittled down to a very clean, very usable trinket. And it's extremely affordable. *That's* it's main draw. If this thing cost $600, there's no way I'd have one. But at $200, it's wonderful.

I had some pretty specific goals for my Hiptop. Chief among them was the ability to update fourhman.com from anywhere. I also love the idea of having AIM with me at all times. I've become a fairly silly AIM junkie; I have four different accounts running on four different computers now. It's not like I especially enjoy having IM conversations, I just find it very convenient for quick connects with friends. And a mobile IM account is fun. I talk with Scott while we're waiting for our Fuddruckers veggieburgers. Arrange a visit with my sister while we're at the mall. Bug my wife at work when I took the day off to game with Mike. Yeah, I suppose I could use the phone feature of the damned thing, but IM has socialization benefits that a cell phone can't match: like the easy out. You can always just Stop Talking in an IM window and no one will be offended. Hurm. My thoughts on IM in use and theory might make an interesting future weblog update.

Anyway, yes, I can update fourhman.com through the Hiptop's nifty web browser. I use Movable Type for much of the content here, and the Hiptop can navigate most of it just fine. Most of it. The Hiptop web browser doesn't do java, and you can't upload files from the Hiptop to anywhere. So I can't snap a pic with the Hiptop camera and immediately get it to fourhman.com. That pretty much stinks, and I'm trying to find a solution. I've checked out several server-side scripts that could grab a Hiptop pic from incoming e-mail and decode it back into a jpg, but that's way over my head.

That camera is not much of a camera, by the way. See that "latest live shot" in the upper left corner of the main page here? That's exactly what you get with the Hiptop camera. Not a thumbnail. Not an imaginary story. Not a hoax. That's it. More for fun than for serious pic use. And since I can't get at those pictures at any way other than e-mail, I have to e-mail the pics back to my home iMac and then upload them manually. Here's some samples that haven't already hit the site:

The e-mail setup is nice. You get an instant account with T-Mobile's tmail, but you can configure your settings so it says something else... for instance, I have a fourhman.com account sending mail to my tmail address, but my tmail settings display only the fourhman.com name. What else can you say. It's e-mail and it works.

But the coolest feature is the hardware itself. The scroll wheel is nicely placed under your right thumb. It clicks and wheels and can display a bizarre array of colored lights. The camera is a separate accessory (another minus!) that plugs into the same port as the hands-free handset (which I've never used.) But the keyboard. Technically speaking, the keyboard is a huge advantage over the stylus-based Palm set. Get thee to that website right now and watch the demo movies. The short version is, the entire LCD screen flips 180 degrees to reveal a wonderfully compact and fully functional keyboard. That, my friend, is what makes wireless weblogging and e-mail an actual possibility. One of these days, I'm going to update this site from the beach. If I didn't hate the beach.

Review continues later...

Since relocating to homespun Adamsvil, I've found precious little of the big city amusements I used to enjoy. But one country folk activity has gripped me: coelocanth fishing.

Although the rest of the world has a ban on catching coelocanths, Adamsvil has no such conservation efforts. But this is the same town whose Museum devotes an entire wing to crickets and cockroaches, so you can't expect much. Coelocanths are ugly, gigantic prehistoric 80-pound fish-beasts. They greatly resemble every toothy aquatic fish baddie in every underwater video game ever, except these monsters are real.

Here's how we big game hunters in Adamsvil track and catch this rural variety of coelocanth. First, it must be raining. The drizzle seems to encourage them out of their deep water hiding places. Next, it must be late... like, after ten o'clock. What you're looking for is the shadow of one lurking close to the surface. And it's a big shadow; you'll know the beast when you see it. I use the common "Run-'Em-Out" technique: If I see a fish shadow that obviously isn't a coelocanth, I run towards the small fish to scare him back underwater, thereby increasing the odds that a coelocanth will show up once I leave the acre and return again.

Tonight I concentrated exclusively on the Run-'Em-Out tactic for over an hour and a half (from 10:30pm until midnight, when it stopped raining), and I caught 13 coelocanths. I missed catching at least 8 more.

The best part about coelocanth fishing is that each fish is worth 15,000 Bells, making them one of the most valuable objects around to sell. Tomorrow old Nook will be in for quite a surprise when I cash in 13 coelocanths for 195,000 Bells. The Nook clan will be eating coelocanth for weeks to come.

Although I now owe Nook well over 700,000 Bells, my house is finally the biggest and best home in Adamsvil. If only I could relocate it to a more fitting acre. As it sits, it towers over the other three empty homes in the Nook Projects.

I now have a very spacious first floor, a similarly large basement, and a reasonably sized second floor. The basement is basically a storage area for furniture and other items that I'm not 100% on keeping or tossing. The first floor is the main living area, with some basic storage, a corner of Western-themed objects, and 4 NES games. The second floor is serving as an area for quiet contemplation, sparsley decorated with some shrine lanterns, ferns, and a softly moaning gyroid. It is from this room that I formulate the plans for Adamsvil's future.

One of these plans is the implementation of the dress code policy. My villagers are a fickle lot, so at any given moment, I can expect roughly half the town to be code-compliant. At first I was outraged by such bold defiance, but I have since discovered the source of the problem: Able Sisters Tailoring.

Many of the villagers shop there; the current en vogue shirt design is the avant-garde shirt. I imagine it's merely a fad spreading among the younger town members.

Friga models the Adamsvil-approved Noble Shirt.

Bitty wearing the faddish, hideous Avant-Garde Shirt.

More disturbing is when townspeople try to subvert the code by trading away their freely supplied Noble Shirts. I send out at least 2 shirts a day to delinquent Animals, and several of them will continuously try to pawn them off. Admiral - who ought to try for better standing, since he leads Adamsvil's naval unit - once tricked me into delivering his discarded Noble Shirt to his neighbor Grizzly.

It might be a long struggle, but I will continue the daily shirt mailings, if only to shame the rebels into acquiesence. I am also considering replacing all of the Able Sisters' shirt patterns with a hand-designed Noble Shirt pattern. And if none of that works, I'm sure my new second floor thinking suite will yield fresh ideas for subordinating my people.

I think this is pretty cool. IGN is letting registered users create a listing of all the games they personally own. It's currently part of their free service, but prior experience tells me that could change at any time... so hurry up and browse my collection before the Earth crashes into friendly poppa Sol.

Check out my stats at the bottom: my average IGN Editor Game Rating is 8.2, which is something I'm pretty proud of. I guess. I'm a little taken back by the sheer weight of classic Game Boy titles, but the basic Game Boy milieu is the most successful and longest operating video game system ever so I shouldn't be too surprised.

I'm dumping this link graphic at the bottom of the video games page. So far, the list is just off the top of my head, so I'm sure there's more to be added as my game synapses continue to fire.

It's pure social grandstanding. Wal-Mart, Toys R Us and KB Toys have all announced they will not sell BMX XXX.

Here's the background. BMX XXX is an adults-only bike stunt game, kind of like Tony Hawk with strippers. The girls get nude, and there's other shock-jock style comedy... like dwarf clowns. Check out this screenshot. Panties. So yeah, it's intended for adults only.

I can sort of see KB and TRU avoiding the title, although that still smacks of PTA pandering to me. They both sell Grand Theft Auto 3 and a dozen other M-rated games, so obviously they have the means to stop selling M titles to kids. They even gave me a verbal content warning when I bought Eternal Darkness. Me!

But Wal-Mart? You can buy weapons at Wal-Mart, for christ's sake. In that article, the Wal-Mart spokesmonkey is quoted as saying "We're not going to carry any software with any vulgarity or nudity -- we're just not going to do it." Hey dumbass, have you ever browsed through your music or movies section?

I found these titles at walmart.com in about two minutes of searching. Why does Wal-Mart stock R-rated movies? "Documentaries" about swearing, racist pop artists? Controversial and vulgar pay tv shows? These products aren't for kids, but kids would certainly *want* them. Wal-Mart blocks their purchase, so why not run the same adult-check on video games? Answer: They do, for the titles they choose to sell.

The key to his quote is "software." Somehow, software - video game software - is still perceived as a kids medium. Still! Wal-Mart can shill the pseudo-sexy "Austin Powers 3" in the same breath as the animated "Ice Age"... but all video games are meant for kids. This is our struggle, my friends, and it's a damnable place to find ourselves. On one hand, video games are solely for children's entertainment so therefore it's insane to sell games with nudity. On the other hand, video games are so potent and powerful a media that they inspire crazed psycho killing sprees.

It's all bullshit. Wal-Mart and the others are simply Standing Up Against Smut before they get told off by some interfering religious parent group. It's pre-emptive. Who are they bothering anyway? Video game fans? That's about .0000000001% of their audience. Wal-Mart comes off looking great to frightened parents without even considering the sense of their actions. Which is another point: it's one thing to opt not to sell the game, it's another to issue press statements about how high and moral you are for not selling the game. That's PR. That's transparent manipulation. And if you can't recognize that when a giant money-making organization starts making veiled political statements, then you could probably benefit from a go-round with a video game that features naked girls on bikes.

Let's be honest here. No matter who you are or what you do, eventually all of these great shenanigans will come to an end and you will be stiffer and colder than all those folks who were part of Perry's expedition to the South Pole in 1912. Seriously, from what I've read those guys brought horses or mules or some other poorly equipped mammal to handle the trek across Antarctica. Big surprise they died, isn't it? And guess what? The only people who care about them now are historians who laugh at their comic demise. Just like historians are going to laugh someday at us. But don't fear! Turn those laughs into the smiles of a well adjusted non-caring adult. How do you ask? Well, do you have the courage to read on? Well do you?

Last week I played a collegue at work in a game of chess. Too bad for her, she's really quite lousy. Now just like my first date with Megan DeSmedt when I played Scrabble and didn't pull out all the cheap words I know, I tried to play nice with this gal. But she wouldn't have any of it. After her third defeat she stormed off in a fit of rage and actually threw a knight across the room. Was that necessary? Do you really care if you win or lose that badly? Please, please just relax. Don't know how? Well lucky for you I have lots of spare time today to write this fine fine blurb.

If you ever took a psychology class or have managed to read an actual book with something of educational value to it, you might have figured out that your ego is basically what makes you feel good about your pitiful life. This ego helps to build self-esteem and provides a glowing feeling when you win a Magic game in the second turn with some lame ass banned combo. Nevertheless, without this ego you might feel life is worthless, pointless, and essentially a big waste of time. To which I reply, of course it is. Which is why I urge you to abandon hope for future_ plans and simply laugh at the world as it rolls on by. Because it is a hilarious world. Let me show you the ways you are not important and be liberated!

1. The current job I hold required an interview, like most jobs in my governmentally regulated field. Interestingly enough, my fly was down during said interview. Did it matter? Nope. Does my ego care? Nope. Should you care? I certainly hope not. But, if I can earn a job with a minimum of effort, and an open window in the groin region, why should you care about your dumb ass occupation? If we were all fired tomorrow, would the Earth stop turning? Do you seriously think you are that important or necessary for whatever little world you've strapped yourself into to function? We could all be canned this week and gumdrops could do the jobs we do. (with less pay and no benefits either). Or you could look at it this way: someday our atmosphere will become so thin that all our water vapor will escape into space and then what good will that Master's Degree do you?

Lesson: Your job is not important and what you do there is meaningless.

2. If you believe in a religion, you can just stop right there. From what I have read of the ficitional texts of major religions, they are full of loopholes, paradoxes, and stories about God killing cows. How can supposedly intelligent people devote their lives to such mysticism? Do you really think you're important enough for even your town mayor to notice, let alone for some imaginary superbeing? Please. Nobody's listening my friend.

Lesson: Religion is for wimps.

3. If you are married, look at who you are married to. If you are not, look at that naked person in National Geographic. Do you seriously believe that spouse or that naked person in National Geographic was made especialy for you? Come on, you know the answer! If you were born in Papua New Guinea, what would you be doing right now? (Hint: not reading this or looking at that magazine or spouse)

Lesson: You may think you have control, but you don't. (especially when you join the Air Force)

4. Remember Megan DeSmedt of the first date? Well, during that very same date we were at a playground swinging or jumping around on some equipment or something like that when she farted. Loudly. And did I care? Of course not. I propose that if everybody passed gas and belched and scratched themselves on first dates the divorce rate in this country would be a lot lower. Think about it.

Lesson: Why are you trying so hard to make a good impression?

If this came across as heavy handed or sermon-like, I humbly ask a hundred forgivenesses. But in the name of Joe who had to beg to pass physics junior year, lighten up chess gal. It's a funny and terminal world. Accept it and move on.

I'm just past the Monstro level - which feels to me like a halfway point - and I'm proud to say I'm feeling better about the game.

As I mentioned before, Kingdom Hearts wasn't exactly measuring up. I'm still bummed about the intermittant lack of voice acting, but the game is proving itself worthy in other ways. There's an easy equation here: as the number of Disney characters increase, the fun increases. My Summons so far are Genie, Simba, Bambi and Dumbo. I haven't had a chance to pull Dumbo out of my hat, but I have made use of the other three... and they all perfectly spotlight what's So Right about Kingdom Hearts. It's just awesome to be running around in real-time bashing nameless blank-eyed baddies with Bambi. Friggin' Bambi.

Genie's attack is hilarious, and obviously carefully tailored to the character. In fact, somebody at Square must totally dig Genie, because he's full of little details taken directly from "Aladdin." To wit: when you summon him, he appears with little squiggles and sparkles, just like the movie. I know, me calling them "squiggles and sparkles" doesn't sound like much... but if you've seen the film, you'll recognize the effect immediately. And at one point in the Agrabah level, you end up fighting Genie against his will. So while you're trying to concentrate on whacking Jafar, the mis-aligned Genie will float around half heartedly attacking you. He actually puts his hand over his eyes and says things like "I hope I miss!" while he's fighting you. Or "Sorry about this... run!", which is a nice audio cue for you to get the hell away from his attack zone.

There's still some bad to be had, however. I've seen too many rooms that are just textured boxes. Agrabah wasn't so bad, and the Cave of Wonders was dark enough to hid any boxy-ness... but Wonderland and Deep Jungle are embarrassingly square. Maybe it's more noticeable because both levels try to place you in a forest. But your walking paths are just angled squares with tree textures on either side. Ick. And of course you have to walk through them over and over again, as if the game is smashing your eyeballs against the smooth box walls and shouting "Look at this terrible level design!"

Another thought about the Gummi Ship. You really need to be awake to worry about ship building. I tried upgrading my ship at 2:00am, and my brain just couldn't handle three-dimensional space at that late hour.

Now, about the Final Fantasy characters. I was led to believe (by popular media magazines and reviews) that they were cameos, but they're not. Most of them - Squall, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid in particular - are fairly integral to the plot. At least, they're *always* hanging out in Traverse Town waiting to tell me stuff between levels.

They annoy me. Whenever I'm talking to Shop Vendor Cid, I wish I was talking to Inventor Maurice (from "Beauty and the Beast") or classic duck characters Ludwig Von Drake and/or Gyro Gearloose. To me, the non-FF fan, the Final Fantasy characters are an anomalous distraction. I'd much prefer a pure Disney experience. And I think many FF fans would too, since the use of the FF characters isn't in Square continuity by any means. They're like all the Hypertime/Elseworld versions of Batman: same name, same concept, but different character.

So why are they there? Maybe to offset the non-Disney main characters Sora, Kairi and Riku? Would it have seemed weird to be playing these obviously anime, video game people among all the various Disney worlds? I don't think so, because Square did subtely tweak the Disney humans' appearances to match the anime styling anyway. No, the Final Fantasy cast is stuck in Kingdom Hearts solely for the RPG street cred. A pure Disney game most likely would not have received as much attention as the Disney/FF hybrid. I say this with complete certainly because every single review of the game starts off by apologizing for the presence of the Disney characters. And furthermore, they take great pains to prove to the Young Jaded Halo Player that playing a Disney game won't immediately turn them into babies.

I'm 28 years old and a Disney fan. The original KH commercials and trailers still get me emotional, even after struggling through the game's weak moments. I couldn't *not* like this game.

Honestly, Kingdom Hearts's biggest problem for me was being released one day after Animal Crossing.

When you think of "games," you tend to think of winning. In most games, that's the only goal. Like Chess. There's no allowance for wanting to make a pretty pattern with your chessmen... or bonus points for resurrecting captured pieces by fully advancing some pawns. If you're not playing towards the goal of winning - capturing the enemy king - you're going to lose and thus the game will end. Or Football. The sole point is to move up the field and score touchdowns. (Although I suppose it could be argued that individual players are working towards the separate but compatible goals of improving their statistics.)

The next step up would be games with a primary goal and several secondary goals, that may be completed either before or after the primary goal. Like the Crash Bandicoot series... the primary goal is to beat the game by progressing through every single linear world, but you can also try for 100% box destruction or crystal collecting. You don't have to smash all the boxes to achieve the primary goal, but it's there for an additional challenge.

Beyond that are the games where the lines between primary and secondary goals are so blurred that they create the illusion of *no* goals. Or at the least, there is so many fully-developed secondary goals that to persue any of them is to create your own custom primary goal. Here's three games that I think fall into this category or freeform gaming.

The Sims made a huge splash some years ago on the platform of goal-free gaming. On the surface, you're able to lead your Sims in whatever direction you wish. In hindsight, I think that promise turned out a little hollow. The only real meaningful activity is expanding your house and keeping the people happy. The only way to accomplish this is to get a job and make money. If you don't get a job, if you don't buy furniture and talk to neighbors, you end up not doing anything. The game actively discourages non-working by throwing lazy people into fits of boredom, insanity and eventually death.

The true venue of freeform here is your ability to customize your gaming experience, both inside and outside the game itself. You can choose from a wide variety of furniture and personality types. You can make your own skins, music, pictures and incorporate all of that into the game. Tons of websites out there are constantly offering up new items to download. I would say that the presentation is the real freeform playhouse here, not the gameplay itself. The daily grind of The Sims eventually degrades into a high-pressure repetition of friendship management. Yes, the near-endless series of expansions has helped add new gameplay elements, but as I've said before, having The Sims plus all of the add-ons is one hell of an expensive game.

Grand Theft Auto 3 has a strong primary goal: work your way through the storyline missions. But instead of connecting every mission end-to-end, you're allowed to effectively put the plot on pause and wander about.

The secondary goals all exist in this "wandering" state. The entirety of the weapons and vehicles are at your disposal, and the city is programmed to continuously react to your actions. In reality, the engine that runs the missions is still working when you're between adventures, which means the "inbetween" portions can be just as deadly and challenging as the primary missions.

That inbetween part is the freeform state. You can tool around in Liberty City infinitely, and the game provides several secondary goals to work at completing. The 100 hidden packages, ferrying taxi passengers, street rallies, etc. But you are more than welcome to just tour the city, drive around like a maniac, and shoot and kill at whim. Unlike The Sims, it truly is the gameplay that's fluid here.

The MMORPGs/RPGs fall into this particular sub-division. Generally there is some kind of plot to slog through, or at its base, the simple advancement of your character's skills. But beyond that is the various mini-games, item collecting, tournament combat, career/alignment tracks, and relationship building.

But right now, Animal Crossing is the high water mark of freeform gaming. Unfortunately, the concept here (living in a rural village of anthropomorphic animals) may cause some gamers to think it's not a compelling title. There is no overarching storyline; there is no end. There is no villain; there is no conflict. You are free to create your own path based on the game's provided boundaries.

If you're going to define secondary goals as goals that you never actually *have* to complete, then Animal Crossing is almost entirely secondary goals. You can keep opening mortgages with Tom Nook so he'll keep making your house bigger. You can catch fossils and insects to complete the town's museum exhibits. You can collect sets of coordinated furniture so you get a high rating from the Happy Room Academy judges.

But the game isn't going to end if you complete any of these tasks, or even if you complete all of them. It's never going to end. So what's the point, right? The point is to live... which is a decidedly different approach to gaming. Once you start to realize what the game is capable of, you instinctively start to apply your own goals. For example, I'm trying to get all my villagers to wear the same clothes. Rhonda spends hours fishing, both to sell and to hunt the rare ones. Even just wanting to see AC reveal itself across a year of real time is a goal in itself.

There is no perfectly freeform game... they're all naturally limited by the game's own scope. But I really like the liberation of games without an end, yet with enough variance that it isn't just the same game every time, like Diablo 2 or Unreal Tournament. The newest patch for Warcraft 3 adds a difficulty control for CPU players. To my freeform thinking, this means you can now slow down the expected CPU downpour and actually start experimenting with the game itself. (Which before you could only do if you were in a multiplayer game with like-minded, non-aggressive players.) Like building an army of just Orc Wolf-Riders, or without any heroes. Or actually getting all those high-level spells. How about trying to hold the town's defense with just peons? These are the sorts of tactics that would get you laughed out of the battle.net chatroom under normal circumstances. But with a less restrictive environment, you can have the freedom to develop new ideas - fun ideas - and stretch the game's potential.

I'm pleased to report that the Adamsvil Dress Code is going well. Almost half the town is wearing the chosen garb, the Noble Shirt. From those who have fallen into line, response has been great. Louie the Ape was heard to say "Thanks for sending me this cool shirt, JoeForever!" I even witnessed Freckles the Duck clone his shirt and give the copy to Anicotti the Mouse, and they both walked away happy and whistling.

I have started another propaganda effort in Adamsvil. As I have learned from my history books, all the really great dictators find methods to become ever-present in the citizenry's lives. I have already made a habit of posting on the town bulletin board, and that's about all we have for local media. Adamsvil is a town ruled by popular opinion and word-of-mouth... so I have moved into posting signs. For the moment, the signs all contain the Dred head icon, which stares imposingly at all passers-by. If this doesn't cow the populace, I may have to move to text-based posters of fear and dominance.

To date, I have posted six signs. Nook only stocks one sign per day, so this represents almost a solid week of slowly encroaching mind control.

Also note that I have resorted to wearing a Chain-Gang Shirt and carrying around a shovel. Might makes right, and I am the mightiest, both in perception and reputation. The Chain-Gang Shirt evokes my seedy past, and the shovel just looks dangerous. (Although in reality, if I'm forced to mete out some Adamsvil justice, I need to switch to the Bug Net to actually beat an Animal.)

This is what happens what I pass out on the couch and leave Rhonda alone with Animal Crossing... a house full of fish! Approximately 10 Barred Knifejaws, 12 Red Snappers and 2 Ceolocanths. And that's just since Nook closed for the night.

There's definite disappointment here. Not crushing disappointment or utter disappointment, but some kind of lower-level disappointment that is haunting my soul.

We've been anticipating Kingdom Hearts for quite a long time, and after about 10 hours in, it's not shaping up to the Fun Quotient I had created in my mind. Or the Fun-to-Watch Quotient Rhonda was expecting.

I don't like RPGs. I rarely play hardcore RPGs. I'm going to assume that's my problem. But I do like story, and generally that's a huge component of RPGs. I suckled on the Kingdom Hearts hype teat purely for the Disney elements... and all criticism aside, this is the coolest Disney video game ever. The Kingdom Hearts story - a unified front of classic Disney Villains assisting an entropic force of evil in dominating the known universes - is undeniably cool. And when you do get a full-blown cutscene, the effect of Disney style seen through a video game lens is awesome.

And then the cutscene ends.

And you have to click through silent, unanimated conversations.

Nothing ruins this game more than when it reverts to lowest common denominator Read Me dialogue. Call me naive ("Naive!"), but I was expecting voice work throughout the entire game. You'll get this great movie with superb animation, and it will flow right into an in-game scene that's completely silent (well, there's probably a background loop of birds chirping.) It's very jarring to jump from cinema to mute so frequently and so inelegantly. And to further insult me, the beauty of the cutscenes are themselves ruined by subtitles... subtitles that cannot be turned off.

It would be different if the characterization sucked, but it doesn't. Example: Donald Duck is one of my favorite characters ever, because he's such a pissy little bitch. I love hearing him squawk when he gets attacked, and seeing the classic fists-a-flyin' animation when he comes back from a knockout. There's just the potential for 100% Disney Life here, so having to endure it at 0% is terrible.

Let me be honest. I have never played a Final Fantasy game. Perhaps that is also affecting my experience here. I bought this game for the Disney elements, which is the true focus here anyway. This isn't a Final Fantasy game, despite the FF character cameos. So making me wait for three hours until getting to something - anything - Disney was just rude. Also annoying was the Kingdom Hearts personality test that began the game. You get asked a bunch of personal, introspective questions right at the start, and your answers determine how the game will develop. Had I known the complex algorithms at work here, maybe I would have thought more about my answers. According to the strategy guide, you can alter Sora's (the main character) starting stats here, as well as the overall rate of progression throughout the game. My answers gave me a warrior-based Sora - which is fine - and a slow game rate, which is most decidedly not fine.

That's right. I bought a strategy guide. Because there's no way I'm going to get through this game without one. And, although I am initially put-off by the faults, I do desparately need to experience every byte that Kingdom Hearts has to offer. Why? Because being able to fight the Wonderland Card Guards, engage in crazy-ass battles with Goofy and Donald Duck, visit the Hundred Acre Wood, and "fly straight on 'til morning" is like some kind of sweet interactive Disney-based hallucination.

I generally stay away from walkthroughs and strategy guides unless I'm absolutely screwed. And even then, I'll find the walkthrough online and send Rhonda in to actually read it and give me hints (when she doesn't actually solve my problem on her own rights.) Here's what inspired the strategy guide purchase...

You see, I was in Deep Jungle. I had already found the slides for Jane's projector, and Clayton had taken an unauthorized shot at a gorilla. We're all in the tent, and we decide to go find the gorilla leader so Tarzan can ask him where Sora's friends might be. Clayton says "Great, let's go" and he runs out of the tent.

Beat.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING? No one tells you, there's no hints, and I've already walked through every single area. At least somebody should have said, "Let's go search the swinging vine path to see if we can find Kerchak." No, the game expects you to mindlessly search through the entire level again until you find the gorilla tribe. If you're lucky, you'll head in the right direction and find them right away. Coming from the adventure game world, I would expect that Clayton would personally lead me to a new unlocked area, or that I'd have some kind of clue as to Kerchak's whereabouts. No. You must wander until you strike gold.

The bad news is, once you find Kerchak, you have to go wandering again. You end up running the full length of Deep Jungle back and forth several times for no real reason... except to artifically extend the life of the level, I suppose.

Surprisingly, I'm not as appalled by the Gummi Ship interludes as most. Yes, the game takes a right turn in Weird for them; they're not Disneyesque at all. In fact, they're full of cheesy-looking spaceships and awful pop-up. I was intending to ignore them, until I realized that you have to improve your ship's abilities as you go, or you don't get to go.

The big stumbling block is the interface. Building your Gummi Ship is a tough screen to absorb all at once. But once I figured out *how* to do it, I became much more interested in doing it, period. Right now, I have a modified Kingdom-model spaceship, which so far looks like the default blueprint with better armor and a wrap-around front porch. It's a shame the actual shooting part isn't more fun.

Combat is interesting. It certainly looks cool. Only after going through Wonderland, Deep Jungle, and the first pass in Olympus Coliseum am I really starting to understand how to fight. In the beginning, it's all button-mashing, but now that I have some slick spells and special abilities, I'm getting into the finesse of it all. One really hard bit is quickly using an item, since all the combat is real-time. Imagine being in a melee with two other party members, ten rapidly jumping and flying enemies, running with the left analog stick, and trying to select a healing Potion with the right analog stick. You need some severe brain coordination there.

What was I expecting, exactly? Full audio, first and foremost. Bigger levels, so there would be less doubling-back. Perhaps I need something more linear... or at least more assistance to keep the game moving. What I really don't like is being forcibly slowed down when I don't feel like I deserve it. It's one thing when my own stupidity makes me repeat actions.

Again, having never done a nuts-and-bolts RPG before, I don't know if I'm complaining about Kingdom Hearts or about the RPG genre. Either way, I just took Wild Arms 3 off my Want List. I guess I'm just not RPG material. I'll post more thoughts later once I finish it.

Our two-day spree of antique stores comes to an end with these pics from various shops in the Easton, Maryland area. Incidentally, all of these tiny little pics are coming to you through my Hiptop, currently available through T-Mobile. More on that later.

(LIVE) Right now we're in a massive antique store in New Oxford, PA. It's one of those deals where any old local yokel can rent a particular corner of the shop and sell their junk. So the pricing on any given object seems pretty random. Although I'm certainly no antique expert; maybe there's some encyclopedia somewhere that lists the acceptable price spread.

It comes to mind that maybe some people don't actually intend to *sell* their stuff... Just rent out space to *display* it. When I see a ceramic devil sitting on the edge of a ceramic chamberpot priced at $126, it just seems more like "Look at my collection" than "Please buy this Potty Devil."

Or the "Cantor Makes Coffee" book I'm looking at right now, with a horrified-looking Eddie Cantor on the cover. $35. I don't know; I'll have to assume there is an Eddie Cantor merchandise price guide readily available.

Whenever we patrol these sorts of stores, I inevitably start to wonder if all of my junk will meet this fate. It actually sounds like a cost effective way to display my '80s/'90s action figures. Just have to price them appropriately. Is $90 too much for an unopened Star Trek Lursa figure?

The PlayStation2 Network Adaptor has been out for a while now, and I still don't have one. This seems to break precedent, I know. I mean, I'm *prepared* for it. First I hired a staff of architects to plan out how I could get ethernet strung throughout all three floors of our townhouse. Then I brought in a team of IT professionals to diagram a wireless network for 3 computers, 2 consoles, and 1 of those digital picture frame thingys. And on this episode of Designers' Challenge, the wireless team won.

So, eventually, I plan to set up Linksys EtherFast Wireless AP + Cable/DSL Router w/4-Port Switch. Perhaps a couple of them. It just hasn't happened yet, because my only motivation for getting my PS2 online is a bunch of so-so titles. Sure, SOCOM looks cool, but it's just another FPS, and I can do without that.

Plus, the world of online PC gaming has proven to me that human beings suck ass 90% of the time. So I'm more than a little leery of inviting that cabal of ravenous teenage thugs into my living room, seeing how they've already taken up residence in my computer room, dimmed the lights, and pantsed me while calling me a noob.

And that's even if it works. I've had more technical disappointments than I can count in the online multiplayer PC world.

Right now, there's only one rumored title that would immediately get me out to Circuit City in search of Linksys EtherFart Router Switch 4-Port Cable/DSLs... Pokemon Online. And if that even happens, it's a while away, so I'm just lurking in wait for the moment.

The Achilles Heel of online console games is that there's a gigantic pantheon of games and genres that DON'T require multiplayer. I'd be willing to argue that the current generation of PC games need human vs. human contact to make them interesting. How long would you play WarCraft 3 if it was only the single player campaign? Console games enjoy a greater diversity of content; not every game needs Random Asshole Matchmaking to add value. So until more interesting and different console games show off some cool online tricks, I have more than enough single-player and same-room-multiplayer to play.

That's a little chicken-and-the-egg, I know. It's entirely possible that the PC's gross lack of diversity has degenerated out of the dominance of online multiplayer and the evacuation of all the small time game developers. But however it happened, it's clear from the quick trip to EB that the modern PC market is no place for a Renaissance Gamer. I hope that online consoles manage their content a little better.

I've been trying to build a heightened sense of civic pride in Adamsvil. I've decided that I should enact a dress code policy. My goal is to walk around Adamsvil and see all the villagers wearing the same shirt.

I've chosen the Noble Shirt as the official uniform of Adamsvil, and orders are being placed with Nook so I can have enough to dress everyone. I suppose I can't expect complete and instant compliance. I sent one to Boots the Alligator and he has made no mention of it yet. Dissention will be dealt with. Weber the Duck immediately donned the Noble Shirt, and lost it a day later when it was raining. Idiot!

One other item on the to-do list. As we had previously arranged, Generalissimo Cobb moved to Holliday. Cobb is on a secret mission. His orders are to borrow as many items as possible from the Holliday villagers... and then either not give them back, or give them back to the wrong person. Holliday's own Town Council, RhondaCat and Marci, must now face the regular dissolution of friendships, thanks to Cobb's underhanded and confusing item thievery. Good work, Generalissimo Cobb!

If anyone would like to donate Noble Shirts to Adamsvil's uniform supplies, you may mail me your codes. The name's J-o-e-infinity symbol and the town is Adamsvil. All donations will be rewarded with something.

Check out Canadian Man Tries to Bungee on to Ship - Misses. The headline to this article should be "Canadian Man Tries to Re-enact Solid Snake's Bungee Leap from Bridge to Ship as Seen in the Opening Movie from the Hit PS2 Game 'Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty' - Misses."

Man, video games *really do* injure people.

Seeing the new Two Towers trailer has reminded me just how freaking cool the middle of Lord of the Rings is. Two Towers contains my two favorite bits: the fall of Isengard and the taming of Gollum.

Saruman and Gollum are my two favorite characters; I seem to have a thing for fallen/corrupted figures. When Gandalf is standing at the base of Orthanc, shouting "Will you not come down?" ...and proud Saruman takes the opportunity to insult Theoden... well, I love that scene. Plus, Isengard follows directly out of the Entmoot, which is a great sidebar event.

And Gollum! Ever since those riddles in the dark, I wanted more and more genuine dialogue with the sneaky little monster. His surprise team-up with Frodo and Sam makes for some of the most tension filled portions of the book. And some of the funniest. I expect the movie will do an excellent job of combining the CG Gollum with the actors. Sure, that balrog looked fantastic, but he didn't really have to interact with anybody... Gollum and Treebeard will need to be more convincing, more human.

Other movie news...

Issue #60 of Wrapped in Plastic has a great article about Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. In a bold new theory told across a huge amount of pages, they suggest that the entire first 30 minutes of FWWM is simply a dream of Cooper's.

Now, I did think that FWWM was more obtuse than the series, and I just kind of wrote it off as Lynch being dense for art's sake. It never really occured to me that the Blue Rose or the double secretaries or the sudden appearance/disappearance of Agents Chet Desmond and Phillip Jeffries might actually mean something. Suffice it to say that I found this article extremely illuminating. Whether it accurately reflects David Lynch's intent or not, it certainly helps me find a deeper level of meaning to a very very very thick film.

And I couldn't call myself a comics fan if I didn't comment on the rumors for a new Superman film. Well, if this Ain't It Cool article by Moriarty is at all correct, it's going to blow hard. Since that one was written, AICN fatass emeritus Harry Knowles has read a revised script, and he's much easier on that version, which is somewhat comforting. (And he interviewed the scriptwriter, which is a nice piece, but challenges my notions of where fat fucking name-dropping retard movie buffs should fall in the natural pecking order of things.) One thing Harry gets completely wrong is that he wants the film to be about the Silver Age Superman, when it needs to be about a Modern Age version of the character. For those of you who aren't students of comics history, the Silver Age Superman is very similar to the animated Super Friends version: immensely powerful, construction-paint boring, and laden with idiotic super-baggage like the Legion of Super-Pets, a giant yellow key that he uses to unlock his Fortress of Solitude, the ridiculous notion that Lex Luthor and Clark Kent fought at age 12, and a periodic table of kryptonite types.

One extremely smart comment from Harry: "BATMAN & ROBIN wasn't just a bad movie... It nearly killed the comic industry. I mean, it just wasn't bad, it made folks embarrassed to walk into comic shops and ask for comics."