I think we'd all be shocked dead if our small human brains could comprehend the totality of how society works. Basically we all live in an enclosed sphere that, geographically, stretches about 20 miles from center, and, mentally, lasts about 60 minutes. Our own personal self-delusion about our place in the universe is all that's responsible for keeping us from stabbing our own eyes out and raping children.
Take surveys.
A monstrous amount of businesses live and die by surveys. They decide what products and services will be offered. They control how corporations choose their investments. In my case, working for a television station, surveys decide the quality of my life... if my station is doing well, I get a raise.
The secret is: surveys are all a bunch of randomly selected horse shit. And our world operates on what they say.
Two nights ago, I was called for a phone survey. In most cases, phone surveys end with me swearing loudly at the caller through a mouthful of supper. But this one stopped me just before the cussing began with the phrase "video games." Ah, I thought, someone has finally randomly selected me to provide my thoughts and opinions on the current console game market!
Yes, I am between the ages of 18 and 29. Yes, I play video games. No, I do not intend to buy a console in the next 12-18 months. (Because I already own all the ones worth owning.)
Survey over, goodbye.
Rats! Oh well, Mike, Scott and I were in the middle of losing The Lord of the Rings board game anyway.
Well, today I get another call: from the same exact survey. This time, I will be smarter. I answer "Yes!" to the question that cast me out before, and we're off and running.
After some generic questions about my personal philosophy on console gaming ("Do you enjoy any of the following video games: platform, action-adventure, party, team sports, extreme sports, racing?"), it becomes obvious who is the progenitor of this little Q&A. Microsoft. I have been chosen to vote in Xbox market research. The Apple enthusiast in me rejoices.
So when the questions become decidely Xbox-centric, I turn brutally honest. "Is the following phrase extremely, very, semi or not very important to you: Xbox is improving video games by taking chances and providing a different and more daring playing experience than the PlayStation 2?" "Not important because it's not true."
"The power of Microsoft means that Xbox gamers get the best the video game world has to offer." "Not important."
"I want my video games to be as graphically realistic as possible." "Not important."
"Would you be more or less likely to buy an Xbox if the following were true: You get a free copy of Halo." "Less." "You get a free second controller." "More." "You get 6 months of free DSL service." "Less." "You get 12 months of free Xbox Live service." "More." "If the Xbox cost $100." "Extremely more." "If it came with an entertainment add-on that turned the Xbox into a karaoke machine." "Extremely less."
And so on. They received both barrels of a gamer who has yet to be impressed by Xbox marketing and "exclusive" games that get released for PS2 two months later. But I'm an educated player... I get several magazines, I read website news... I know what's coming up in console gaming. I can just imagine the responses this survey generated from a 12 year old who begged his Mom for an Xbox last Christmas and didn't get one.
So I was polled twice for the same survey, and I purposely was hard on the Xbox (truthfully hard; my only lie was suggesting that I was going to buy a GameCube in the next 12 to 18 months.) I'm counteracting Xbox fanboyism, I suppose. Now Microsoft is going to compile all of this critical information, and I'm going to be the 2 degree slice of red in a big blue pie chart.
