My Grandmother's home is being systematically disassembled over the next few weeks (months?) because she has been moved into a nursing home. I know that's somewhat of a dirty word, but that's what it is, and that's what I'm calling it. The whole situation is ugly, and now her kids have the ghastly task of ransacking her home of the past 20+ years.
Rhonda and I have been over to loot. Going through her stuff - and, by extension, the stuff of the entire family - is at once comforting, hilarious, and depressing. I mean, it's great to see old games/books/items that I remember from years ago... some of the stuff that has been unearthed is crazy funny... and then there's the sad finds, like a small stack of books with titles like "Coping With Loneliness: Creating a New Life."
It's rather ghoulish, stepping through the entirety of someone's life and then stowing choice bits in your hatchback. I feel like I'm stealing Grandma's memories, just so I can have some little sentimental piece. We've nabbed a whole bunch of games from her stash in the basement (Clever Endeavor, Master Mind, Pop Dog, Chinese Checkers, Merlin, Big Boggle, Carrom, and a nice wooden chess/checkers set), a couple of family pictures, some random furniture, genuine giant old milk can... but here's the fun stuff:
HE LOOKS INTO MY EYES AND HIS GAZE MELTS MY BRAIN. We always hated these hideous little elves as kids, so I don't know why I wanted one now. Perhaps I intend to pass on the hatred to my own kids. The Orange Thing is a slide viewer from Weeki Wachee, Florida... so it has pictures in it of the famous Underwater Mermaids Drinking Coke, Florida 'gators, glass bottom boats, and several more hot 1950s women at the floor of a coral reef with no scuba gear and swimsuits that cover more skin than what Neil Armstrong wore on the moon.
These scottie dogs have magnets on their feet. When you push one of them close to the other, the magnets attract and they lunge forward in the first white/black scottie dog kiss ever shown on the internet. Interestingly, if you push one dog ass-first towards the other, then the butts unite.
My Mom is telling me "Come over and look through Grandma's books." Well, her book collection concentrates on two themes: Inspirational and Reader's Digest. I consider those Reader's Digest Condensed Books an affront to literacy, so those are right out. And as for Inspirational? Let's just say I grabbed a few solely for comic value.
"C. S. Lewis: Mere Christian." I'm not really sure if Grandma even knows who C. S. Lewis was; I'm guessing the subtitle was more to the point here. Here's the best back-cover quote from Mr. Narnia: "When you are arguing against Him, you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all." I'm sure lots of athiests were shut down by that one, King Moonraker.
"Reader's Digest Favorite Quotes from the Bible." I'd imagine this is pretty useful for most Christians, since it offers up separated transcripts of the Bible's most famous bits (Noah's Ark, Sermon on the Mount) and a handy question and answer bit for solving life's little problems. Why read the full book and have to reconcile all the errors, mis-translations, and cultural disparities? Say you're feeling "tense"... why just refer to Job 11:16 "You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away." Good fuck, that's helpful.
"Where are the Dead?" This is one of those Priest Writes a FAQ books, of which Grandma bought every single one in the known universe. To a man, these authors always spew a stream-of-consciousness sermon approach, writing circles around the issues and "proving" everything by pointing to various Bible passages. One neat spin in this book answers the problem of "How can I be happy in Heaven knowing that sinful loved ones are in Hell?" Reverend Brimstone has an easy answer: "...the fact that unrighteous loved ones ever lived will be forever erased from the memories of the righteous." That God, he's a clever one.
But this is the standout. "Help Lord - The Devil Wants Me Fat." It's about starting a faith diet. Which sounds about as likely to work as anything, I suppose. Brainwashing certainly works well for God in general. I can't even begin to describe the comedy gold in this book, from the chapters explaining why Satan makes people eat, to the suggestion that fasting is the best way to lose weight and grow closer to Jesus. But I will share with you this handwritten note we found inside the book, written by my grandmother:
Lord, I give my appetite to you. Let me hunger for thy word - not food.
Amen, Grandma.
