You see, I worry about it. Because you can't see it, so you don't really know what it's up to. Plus, being that our society is assophobic, you've got no standard of health to compare it to, and no easy way to ask questions about it.

Example. So far, in my post-adolescent life, I am two for two on Doctor's Visits Including Ass Inspection Purely at My Request. The first time, I had noticed *bleeding* during shitting. And when I say "noticed," I mean "turned around and thought I had menstruated." So I arrange a checkup under the pretense of a possible hernia and have the man investigate my anal area. Before you go crying "ass-freak" at me, let me assure you that I was indeed worried about the state of my ass. Recurring blood in the bowl ought to be a warning sign. Generally blood in any form outside actual veins/arteries is an alertable function. But my doc (let's call him Doctor #1), upon completion of his knuckle-twisting inspection, just said I should strain less while "moving my bowels."

"Moving your bowels" is just a way for doctors to elevate themselves dictionarily from those whom they have just rubber-finger ass-reamed. After that visit, I attempted to strain less and I've been blood free for the most part (I thank my vegetarian diet for that.) Oh, there was no hernia either.

For visit #2 (and Doctor #2), I had convinced myself I had a hemorrhoid. Not to sicken anyone, but this gets back to my first point. You can't get a fucking good look at your ass. I felt I was meeting what society has taught me are hemorrhoidal symptoms. Doctor #2 did a little spread and claimed to see nothing. Nothing! So either my sphincter was so far gone that he couldn't bring himself to deliver the bad news, or I have no goddamn idea what's going on in my own ass. Two out of two doctors agree with the latter. To make matters worse, Doctor #2 said that there's nothing you do about hemorrhoids anyway, unless they're bleeding or the size of a clock radio. Apparantly my naive procedural suggestion of "Just cut it off" isn't practiced within the western medical arena.

Coming out of that visit, I was left wondering where to go. Assuming my doctor(s) can recognize ass problems, then what am I experiencing? Am I an assochondriac? The thing is, I don't want to ignore any appearing health problems like I ignore car problems (sorry, Dad.) My ass is out of control. A rogue organ back there spitting blood and having psychosomatic hemorrhoids.